The 40 Going On 28 Christmas Special

EXTREMELY DON PARDO ANNOUNCER

Ladies and gentlemen....live from Clooney's Bar in the heart of the Mission District of San Francisco, it's the 40 Going On 28 Christmas Special! With your host, TK!  Please welcome.......TEEEEEE KAYYYYYYYYYY

(wild applause, cheers)

TK enters stage left, holding a mic, waving

ANNOUNCER

With special guests.....Internet commenters!!

A small group of ugly and malformed people wave grimly from stage right. They quickly return to vaping and forming terrible opinions.

ANNOUNCER

And the Garbage City Band!!!

The band plays a quick flourish of "Semi-Charmed Life"

TK

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for coming.  We've got a great show for you tonight, a lot of special guests are here.

LOUD CRASHING NOISE heard offstage

What...what's this?

GHOST OF SAN FRANCISCO CHRISTMAS PAST wanders onstage.

TK

Why it's...it's the Ghost of San Francisco Christmas Past! Welcome, Ghost!  How about a hand for the ghost, people?

(applause, cheers)

What's up with you tonight, Ghost?

GHOST OF SF CHRISTMAS PAST

Noooooothing, TK.  Just getting ready to head home to the Past...where everything was muuuuuuuuch betterrrrrrrrrr!

(Audience gasps)

TK

Hey, man, that's not entirely fair.  There are still a lot of good things about San Francisco!  The economy's great, there are a ton of cool restaurants, we're building a lot of new housing ....

GHOST OF SF CHRISTMAS PAST

Whatever, dude.

TK

Pot's basically legal.

GHOST OF SF CHRISTMAS PAST

Wait, what?

TK

Ghost of Christmas Past, everyone!  Big hand!

(appluase, cheering)

The Garbage City Band's piano begins to play

TK

How about a song, yeah?  Please welcome the Garbage City Singers!

The GARBAGE CITY SINGERS choral ensemble enter stage left.  

TK AND SINGERS

You know Geary and Sutro and Agnos and Jordan
Shelley and Feinstein, Moscone and Newsom
But do you recall
The techiest mayor of all

Ed Lee, the Mustache Mayor
Had some very greedy friends
And if you ever saw them
You would wonder where it ends
All of the other mayors
Used to care about their town
All old Ed Lee wanted
Was to not let Ron Conway down

Then one foggy taxmas eve
Twitter came to say
Our investors run this town
Won't you cut our taxes down?
Then how the VCs loved him
As they shouted out with glee
Ed Lee, the mayor hero
See you when we IPO!

(wild applause, cheers)

TK

Thank you, thank you.  We're just having some fun with you, Ed. You know we love you.  All in good fun.  Please don't let Airbnb have my house.  I'm still using it.

TK loosens his tie, sits on edge of stage with a drink

TK

Let's make sure we don't forget the real meaning of Christmas.  BUYING DRONES FOR PEOPLE AND GETTING BLACKOUT DRUNK.  No, no, I'm joking, of course.  I'm talking about being with your loved ones.  Like all you guys.  I couldn't do it without you.  Thanks for reading another year of my dumb commentary and ill-informed opinions.

TK raises his glass.

TK

To all of my readers.  I love you guys.

CLOONEY'S PATRON

(lifts head from bar) The fuck is going on here

TK

I see our time is running short.  Thanks again for tuning in!  See you on New Year's Eve for our Annual Best Tweets of the Year Post!  For the Garbage City Band, the Garbage City Singers, and Extremely Don Pardo Announcer, I'm TK!  Happy Holidays!

Garbage City Band plays as TK is roughly escorted out of the bar