Monday, September 28, 2015

Today in Our Garbage City: Civic Design by Chuck E. Cheese

If you think the Country Bear Jamboree at Disney World is cultural caviar, I've got some good news, via Willie Brown's weekly column in the Chronicle:
If things go according to plan, Tony Bennett won’t be leaving his heart in San Francisco much longer.
He will be keeping it here as part of bigger-than-life statue atop Nob Hill, in front of the Fairmont Hotel.
The sculpture is being made by local artist Bruce Wolfe. Tony will be posed as if he were singing, and the statue’s base will be rigged with technology that will play his signature “I Left My Heart in San Francisco” whenever someone walks by.
Fundraising for the project is being lead by Charlotte Shultz and Fairmont general manager Tom Klein. The idea is to honor the song, the singer and the Venetian Room, where the singer and song came together to make so much magic.
It’s going to be one heck of a tourist draw. Can you imagine how many people will be hopping on those little cable cars that climb halfway to the stars for a selfie?
The hope is to have it done by August, when Bennett will celebrate his 90th birthday.

Madre de Dios.  A robotic Tony Bennett, doomed for all eternity to sing one song over and over and over again.


At least until the Robot Revolution happens and the Bennettron 3000 is free to exact a horrifying revenge on Charlotte Schultz and Tom Klein.

Seriously though, Jesus fucking Christ, who thinks this is a good idea?  I also have some technical questions about how this is going to work.  If it sings "whenever someone walks by," does it start over again?  Because a lot of people walk by there and I'm imagining the first 2 notes of the song on an endless hiccuping cycle.  Or will the song just be playing all the way through, 24/7?  HOPE YOU LIKE THAT HOTEL GUESTS.  Some VP of sales from Cincinnati, driven mad by sleep deprivation, is going to yank Tony's robotic voicebox and become a civic hero.

This is the kind of cheeseball garbage that fucking Myrtle Beach would turn down for being too tacky.  There are a million ways to honor Tony Bennett but this is the worst anyone could think of.  Why don't you just loose an army of Roombas with speakers taped to the top, circling the city nonstop, each blaring the song on infinite repeat?  Then everyone can enjoy it!  

Seriously, what the fuck.

3 comments:

Michael Strickland said...

Jesus Christ. Charlotte Shultz and Willie Brown, Jr. need to be locked away before they do any more harm. They are both geriatric monsters, originally from the same kind of shithole small towns in Texas who fucked and connived their way to the top as immigrants in San Francisco. Their evil and non-stop corruption are actually pretty amazing, but it's time to move on. Tony Bennett, on the other hand, I sort of like. What a hideous thing to do to him at age 90.

Rachel said...

This just sounds utterly awful.
I hope they are shamed out of actually making it a reality. Cringe.

TK said...

Michael - Man, I thought I was outraged. Bravo.

Rachel - I can't believe this will actually happen, but I have a sick desire to see it done.