Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Attack of the Smoke Detector Bird

Baby Beyonce is 13 months now (and fucking adorable, I assure you) and at this point her sleep pattern is such that she goes to bed around 7 pm and gets up maybe once or twice a night, usually around 1:30-2:30 and then sometimes again in the 4:00-5:00 range.  The Wife typically attends to her during these fairly routine and brief episodes.  Other than that, getting enough sleep has not been too bad.

Until recently.

We have a large tree in our backyard, and it appears that it has now become the morning hang of some kind of bird.  I'm not sure what kind of bird exactly except it sounds like the LOUDEST MOST DEFECTIVE SMOKE DETECTOR IN HISTORY and its preferred time to GO FUCKING NUTS is about 5:30 a.m.

Here's the tree. NOT PICTURED: Smoke Detector Bird
I know you're thinking I'm overdramatizing this but we sleep with a white noise machine on in our room and the call of the Smoke Detector Bird cuts through that like a Caramel Unwrapper through the quiet part of the symphony.  It might be OK if it had any kind of pleasing, mellifluous tone, but it's more like an abrasive BEEP every half second.  I tried to identify it online and the closest I could come is the Downy Woodpecker but that's probably not it.  The sound is close but not nearly as annoying.

One morning last week I finally lost it and decided to take some action, so at 5:45 a.m. I got up and found half a lemon in the fridge.  I opened the back door (we're on the second floor so we're level with the tree) and fucking CHUCKED THAT THING at the tree.  Voila, the sound of BEEPing receding into the distance.

It's back again.  This morning, right on schedule at 5:30.  Fucking bird.  I don't have an infinite supply of lemons so I don't know what the fuck.  I think we might have to move.

ONE OTHER THING.  Another year of SF Weekly's Best of San Francisco awards, another year I didn't win Best Blog.  Um, congratulations, Bold Italic.

8 comments:

GG said...

I wonder if it's a Mockingbird imitating something annoying (like a car alarm)? In any event, I have heard of people having luck with playing bird distress calls to trick the birds into thinking your house is a place of DANGER (just google "bird distress calls" and you will find MP3s, etc.). Anyway we also have this problem around this time of year, if it's any consolation, it usually stops in a few weeks after mating season...

TK said...

Thanks, GG! I'll look into mp3s that will make my house sound like the bird version of "Hostel."

burritojustice.com said...

Garden hose?

and sorry man, I nominated you. We'll have to launch a campaign next year.

Tamagosan said...

Having a hard time finding a link, but SNL's Sleepy Boy Auto Alarm Eradicator should do the trick.

burritojustice.com said...

OMG a Yelp comment section that's actually constructive.

TK said...

Thanks, BJ!

Wife nixed the idea of anything mp3-related. I guess I'll just hope it goes away.

Alynn Burk said...

I stumbled upon your blog because I have been up since 5 AM googling "bird that sounds like a smoke detector ". OMFG! Did you ever figure out what it was or how to make it stop?

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