Let us begin at the Girlhaus, where - wait, did Rootsy get her roots adjusted? It looks like it! Doglvr wants a one on one date. Maybe Patches is free! Oh, with Whan. Anyway, Chris Harrison shows up for the preflight briefing and it appears the first date tonight will be with the oddly lupine Cassandra! Hey, ever wonder when Cassandra's last first date was? Soon we will find out. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
Now we are off to Long Beach where Whan is playing with little Camilla and LONG BEACH, REALLY? What, was San Pedro busy? Geez, ABC. Here comes C, who "hasn't had a first date since [she] was 18 years old" and apparently managed to get knocked up on that one so LOOK OUT WHAN. Whan puts her in some buggy car thing and they drive into the water and both drown. I WISH. No, they float. It's some kind of car-boat thing. They drive around in the water and C squeals like a piglet. Yacht swimming making out blah blah blah you've seen all this before. Then back to the Bachelor house to MAKE MORE BABIES I guess and C can't stop saying how it's her first date in 3 years. Jesus Christ lady, we get it already. She's sweet but doesn't seem like the sharpest tack in the corkboard. Let's move on to Looking at Kid Pix. THIS JUST IN: "Trey" is Perez Hilton.
Also, watching other people look at baby pictures is more boring than watching a calculus lecture wrapped in paint drying. She gets the Please Shut Up About Your First Date in 3 Years Rose.
Then we have a Group Soccer Date at, I shit you not, StubHub Stadium or whatever. I guess they all had to pay 3 times over face to get in! I'm kidding, StubHub, I love you. PLEASE DON'T SHUT ME OUT. Daddy needs Giants tickets. Anyway, the chix all play soccer and it's about as interesting as any soccer game which is to say it's boring as fuck. The only good thing is they appear to be playing without goalies which is actually the best innovation in soccer since hooligans. Post, there's no rooftop pool? Fuck, ABC. Between this and Long Beach, you are really cheaping out this episode. No, nighttime portion is still at StubHub Stadium. OK, Rootsy gets a hug, makeout with Andi, then The Sharleen takes over. She's thinking about how "organic" it feels. Whan clearly doesn't know what "organic" means. Then they have a VERY WEIRD KISS that looks like he's trying to insert an object into her mouth unsuccessfully.
Whatever. Free Spirit manages to keep her clothes on, somehow, and Rootsy gets the rose.
One on one date with Chelsie. Whan plays her some Venezuelan music in the car and she White Girl car dances and they hit up the Venezuelan restaurant for some arepas and tequeno and paco de catillo and maserati or something. You know what's good after a big meal of unfamiliar cuisine? TANDEM BUNGEE JUMPING! Especially when it's conducted by a Guy Fieri impersonator in a visor. There is an ENDLESS sequence where Chel is wavering about whether to do it and JUST FUCKING JUMP ALREADY OK whew it's over.
Standard Outdoor Dinner at City Hall. Chel comes from a family of dentists and is the "black sheep" for becoming a teacher instead. Holy fuck, if that's black sheep status in her family you'd be the Black 13th Incarnation of the Demon Azeroth for changing the channel when America's Funniest Videos is on. She gets a rose, of course, and then it's the usual Concert by Mediocre Faux Country Act Who Stole the Guitar Riff in His Song From "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day. Yuck.
Dawn Breaks at Girlhaus. Whan arrives to make "Venezuelan breakfast," which I thought was cocaine and a chelada but is apparently some kind of pancake thing. Whan think "Clare look reely good in piyamas" which I guess so. Hey, wanna get crazy? Instead of a cocktail party, let's have a POOL PARTY! Disrupt the Bachelor! Fuck. Anyway, The Sharleen doesn't feel a connection because, you know, SHE'S NORMAL. Oh, now Clare is freaking out. Maybe she's normal too! No, no she is not. Anyway, Whan does his usual gig and talks everyone down. He spends a lot of time doing this, actually.
Let's get to the Rose Cer and get the fuck out of Dodge. Hey, Doglvr's lazy eye is especially sleepy today!
PATIENCE, MY SWEET. SOON WE WILL SLEEP.
OK, who's in. Andy, Mom, Doglvr, Seriousleen, Elisa, Kat, Who the Fuck Is Alison, Insecure Clare, Who the Fuck Is Lauren, and Maybe Black Danielle. We must bid farewell to Free Spirit and Some Blonde Chick Named Christy who I didn't even know was on this show. "Every person deserves love," Free Spirit says. Pack another bowl, baby. We're moving on.