Monday, October 21, 2013

The San Francisco Haunted House will terrify you!


You will enter through the TUNNEL OF TECH WORKERS!!!!  These technological terrors will DISRUPT your heart and bore you STOOOOOOOOPID with their mindless buzzwords and their pointless apps!  Don't get run over by the GHOSTLY GOOGLE BUS!!!

Next you'll find the HALL OF WHOLE FOODS!!!  You'll panic as the ZOMBIE CLERKS clean out your wallet!!!!  Flee in terror from the YOGA MOMS blocking the aisle as they make GHASTLY GAB on their CELL PHONES OF DEATH!  What's this?  A $6 tomato? AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

You'll be reeling as you fall into HIPSTER HORROR!  Oh, you're still listening to MGMT?  How MAAAAAAAAIIIINNSTREEEEEAAAMMM!!!!  Yes, these dead-eyed, tattoo-covered ghouls will judge you TO DEATH!!!  Maybe a refreshing cup of cofee would help?  LOOOOOOOOK AT THAT LINE!!! AND YOU'RE ORDERING IT ALL WRONG!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Don't even think about taking mass transit out of this hellhole, though!  You've stumbled into MUNI MADNESS!!!!  When's the next train?  NEVER!!!!!  Watch as these BEASTLY BUSSES crush your dreams, along with any plans you had to get anywhere on time!!!  Step down......TO HELL!!!!!!!


You'll back away reeling until you realize you've entered the BRO-DOWN!!!!  "Mommy, why is that man wearing flip flops, a tank top, and a visor when it's 50 degrees out?"  "Becuase his SOUL IS ALREADY DEAD, honey!!!" MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Immediately next is the REPUBLICAN RUMPUS, one of our most TERRIFYING ROOMS!!  Watch as these gun-toting monsters try to SLASH CORPORATE TAXES TO DEATH and BURN YOUR PORNOGRAPHY!!!!!  Get out before you get stuck with a PRO-LIFE PIN!!!!!!

Just when you think you can't take any more, you've arrived at ELLIS ACT ISLAND!!!!!  As soon as you start to get comfortable and think the terror is over, LOOK OUT!!!  Two yuppies with Facebook money will FORCE YOU TO LEAVE!! GET OUT!!!!!!!!  Hope you can find your way to $2500 STUDIO SALON, or else you'll be sent to OAK-LAND!!!!!!  NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

OAK-LAND is just actually the city of Oakland.

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