The Bachelor: Magic Mountain Not So Magical

After our standard establishing shots of the Bachelor mansion and Sean's chiseled abs, we are informed that our night will begin with a Solo Date with Lesley, the semi-adorable bug-eyed "political consultant" from somewhere in the South by way of DC.  And like any good tourist in LA, they're off to the Guinness World Records Museum. (Yelp rating: 2 stars. "The supervisor who says his name is Mr. Casey and weighs about 280 lbs holds the Guinness World Record for most angry person at people who have coupons for entry." SICK BURN.  But if you're using a coupon to get into the Guinness Museum, you have little room to cast aspersions, my friend.) Guinness World Record museums are a feature in any tourist dump like Hollywood Boulevard or Fisherman's Wharf or Gatlinburg TN.  They're the museum equivalent of funnel cakes or glitter t-shirts.

A N Y W A Y, here comes Chris Harrison to inform the lucky couple that they will be attempting to break the world record for longest on-screen kiss.  It appears that the producers have done a good job of sweeping Hollywood Boulevard of the usual Dregs Of Humanity and maybe even tossed a hobo 10 bucks to fill out the crowd behind Chris.

The record, it turns out, is 3 minutes and 15 seconds and we have to sit through it and that's a long time in Bachelor Years and Holy Jesus am I glad Sober January is almost over.  Watching this show under any circumstances is a burden to man or beast, but doing it sober is an exquisite Guantanamo-type torture.  I guess they win or whatever.  For the Night Portion, they repair to the roof of the Roosy and instead of blowing rails and banging 19-year-old aspiring "actresses" from Cedar Rapids like usually happens at the Roosevelt, they have champagne and make out.  I guess the fireworks budget is all out because the date ends with a fucking CONFETTI CANNON like what is this, a 6-year-old's birthday party? Why not have a clown or a Bug Guy and be done with it?

GROUP DATE TIME.  Sean is on the beach wearing an aqua tank top and Ray Bans like he's the villain in an 80's college movie.  Frolicking ensues, until Chris Harrison appears again.  He has 2 days of stubble and is still drunk from last night.  He announces a cutthroat game of volleyball.  The winners will get precious time with Sean.  The losers will be forced to watch The Bachelor.  No one is very good at volleyball.  Manface begins weeping.  Oh, now Big Mouth Billy Bass is crying too!  Luckily her mouth will catch those tears, along with any catawba worms in a five-foot radius.  Memo to the producers: Not picking One Armed Sarah for this event constitutes Cruelty to Viewers.  Come on son.

For the Night Portion, the "winners" all hang out with Sean and drink.  Drunk Lindsay says he's everything she's looking for and she's getting a little weird and obsessive.  Meanwhile, Desiree, who has her hair done up like she's the secretary in a noir movie, says "I think differently I think than a lot of people" and I'm sure you do sweetie.  She enjoys the beauty of life and is happy every day!  So does a Yorkshire terrier, for that matter.  Meanwhile, there is some feud between Amanda and Desiree and who really gives a fuck but Kacie decides she's gonna go tell Sean about it and if there's one thing you learn on this show it's that snitches always get capped so this is extra-dumb even by Kacie standards. 

Solo date with AshLee the AdopTee.  But before we can begin, OH NO Tierra has taken a nasty tumble on the stairs.  Sean shows up and "as a guy who's had several concussions" diagnoses T with one too.  OH I BET YOU HAVE SEAN.  Anyway, she refuses medical attention and I guess the whole thing is a ploy?  Whatever.  On to the date.  Let's go to the orphanage and do some window shopping!  No, we're going to Magic Mountain.  The producers have bought out the place and they have it all to themselves like they're Michael Jackson.  Oh, wait, here come couple of Sickly Kids, Brianna and Emily.  Brianna is clearly in a bad way but Emily looks FINE except for some of those carpal tunnel cuffs and I mean I hate to sound judgy but Repetitive Stress Injury is hardly Make A Wish Foundation material, Emily.  AshLee is like great, competition, it's just like the adoption thing all over again.  Anyway, they ride the rides and Sean DOMINATES at Ring Toss and he's all IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, BRIANNA!!  SUCK IT!!!

Moving on, we're treated to a concert by Sean's allegedly "favorite band" the Eli Manning Band or something.  It's solid Generic Country, in case you're curious.  Later, they ditch the kids and AshLee recounts her awful childhood and adoption saga and hey, just throwing this out there, is Adoption Stories a show on TLC yet?  I bet that would be good! 

Cocktail Party!  At least someone gets to fucking drink around here.  Oh, Sean's got a surprise for Sarah!  It's arriving by limo.  Maybe it's the Ultra Arm 2000 with flashlight attachment and Bionic Grip and Your Choice of Manicure Settings.  Oh, crap, no, it's Leo the Dog.  Admittedly, Leo is pretty cute.  He should have a show.  The rest of the party consists of Tierra trying to bodycheck everyone away from S and Kacie wandering around in some kind of swimsuit dress trying to fix her fuckup from the other night.

The Rose Cer begins with a SHOCKING DEVIATION FROM THE NORM.  Sean takes KC out and rejects her personally because I guess they're friends or whatever and hopefully this is the last time we see her.  If she is the Bachelorette next season or something I will fucking shit.  Anyway your Rose Recipients are Munchausen Tierra, Big Mouth Billy Bass, Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine, Sucka Free Daniella, the Other Black Girl, Apparently Arabic, One Arm, Just Jackie, Angry Amanda, and Katie Holmes.

So our cuts are Manface and Grandma.  Bonne chance, you two.

NEXT WEEK: Tierra decompensates when Angry Amanda plays Hide the Seroquel.