SCENE 1: Nev and Max are in a Hampton Inn in an undisclosed location. Max is holding a video camera and is filming Nev on his laptop.
NEV: OK, let's see what kind of emails we have this week. Whoa, hold on, this one looks interesting. "Dear Nev, I am a Heisman Trophy finalist and one of the most celebrated defensive college football players of my generation. I am a dead lock high first round NFL draft pick. You'd think I'd be carried away in a pussy tornado like that cow in 'Twister,' but as it turns out the only chick I'm into is online and I've never met her. She says her name is Lennay and she looks pretty hot from the pictures."
MAX: Wow. What's a "Heisman Trophy"?
NEV: It's a sports thing. Never mind, you wouldn't understand. We should go see Mantei and see if we can help him.
SCENE 2: [Caption: "South Bend, IA".] Nev and Max are meeting with Mantei Te'o. They show him the results of their research.
NEV: So you see, Mantei, it seems like there's no Lennay at all. In fact, it looks like the Lennay accounts are all run by a guy named Ronaiah Tuiasosopo.
MANTEI: Tuiasosopo? Any relation to forgettable Oakland Raiders backup QB Marques Tuiasosopo?
MAX: What's a "backup QB"?
NEV: (to Max) It's a sports person. Don't worry about it. {to Mantei) As a matter of fact, Mantei, yes, they're cousins, apparently. Do you want to try and meet Lennay and see what happens?
MANTEI: I thought you said she wasn't real.
NEV: Well, yeah, of course, that's obvious to even the most casual observer. I mean, did anyone believe that former Miss Teen USA/meth freak/Celebrity Rehab vet/sex addict Kari Ann Peniche was having an online affair with that dork with bad teeth in rural New York? Of course not. That guy got totally lucky, though. At least the person he was actually corresponding with wasn't morbidly obese. Anyway, point is, let's play along because we have 47 minutes to fill.
MANTEI: I don't follow.
NEV: Never mind.
MAX: Let's go for smoothies.
SCENE 3: Mantei and Nev arrive at a house in a rural setting, followed by Max and a camera crew. They go to the door and ring the doorbell. There is no answer.
MAX: What should we do?
MANTEI: How about trying the other door?
NEV: I don't know if that will work.
MAX: Wait, here comes someone.
The GHOST OF FRANK GIFFORD appears from around the corner of the house, followed by the GHOSTS OF THE 2005 MINNESOTA VIKINGS.
MANTEI: Wow, Ghost of Frank Gifford! Are you the one who was pretending to be Lennay?
GHOST OF FRANK GIFFORD: The fuck? What? No, I don't know anything about that dadgum Internet. We're just here to tell you this will blow over. Hell, I banged a sky waitress in a Midtown hotel and it was all caught on tape and do you think anyone remembers that?
GHOSTS OF 2005 MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Yeah, we were at a boat sex party that was so dope it has its own Wikipedia entry. Fred Smoot can't even get arrested in Minneapolis now.
MANTEI: So no bigs? I'm all good?
GHOST OF FRANK GIFFORD: Sure, kiddo. Stick to 3-D chicks next time. And have fun in Cleveland, you poor bastard.
"Pussy tornado" made me LOL at my desk. Thank you.
ReplyDelete