The Bachelor: Fake Confessional/Clip Show

What happens is, every season before the last episode, Chris Harrison calls everyone together to sit in a studio with an audience and fight about what happened that season and make some people cry hopefully and also show a lot of clips. Last night it was called "The Women Tell All" but nobody really told anything. I watched it anyway because I'm retarded and in for a penny and whatnot.

We started out by taking a look at Where Past Contestants Are Now. From the looks of the footage we saw, they're contracting STDs in Vegas. Oh look, there's Frank! I always had a soft spot for Frank. He was so dopey and stupid that it almost seemed unfair to put him on the show. The way he's leering at Ali, I hope his child bride Nicole isn't watching.

Anyway. Back to the studio. Oh God, they're trotting Shawntel out AGAIN. What the fuck is it, ABC? What is your strange uncontrollable attraction to Shawntel that you have to keep bringing her on this show? Why don't you just fuck her and get it over with, ABC? And then ignore her texts and talk bad about her behind her back and be all "Yeah, whatever, I was never into her," even though you totally are, ABC? Why don't you just do that?

Chris does some interviews with Emily and Kacie (whose highlight package make the audience cry!) and FINALLY we get to Courtney. Everybody piles on Courtney. Monica says she's a "liar" and "vapit," whatever that means. Wait, there's something off about Courtney. She's not sucking her lips into her lizard head and she's not talking her Sedated Baby Voice. What the fuck? She's sort of normal and contrite!!! Why are you fucking with us, Courtney? What strange sorcery is this? I guess those acting lessons are paying off! So she apologizes like a million times and fake cries and gets a special crying SUV to leave in. Huh.

Let's bring out that flat-haired doofus for a talk. Nicki says "You are the best man I've ever met in my entire life." Jesus Christ, Nicki. Where did you grow up, inside a prison or something? Bitch needs to get out more. Jamie wants him to know that she'll be around if things don't work out. Damn girl, desperate much?

We'll finally conclude this shitshow next week. Then next season we get Emily. Ugh. Already dreading that. You know who needs to be the 'rette? Emily from THIS season. She's cute and is one of the few contestants in the history of the show who seems to have a sense of humor or any actual personality beyond I'm Not Here to Make Friends and I'm Here For the Right Reasons and Please Love Me Please Please Please My Daddy Never Said He Loved Me. Yeesh.