The Bachelor: New Zealand: Almost As Beautiful As Ohio

It appears that we are off to New Zealand and seaplaning around which gives Whan the chance to say "beautiful" about 30 times and also that he's ready to "take things to the next level" so he's doing a good job learning his meaningless English sayings.  Meanwhile, the chix are busy checking out the Huka Lodge - "INFINITY EDGE POOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!" - and Clare, that little minx, admits "Last week in Vietnam everything kind of blew up in my face."  THAT'S WHAT CHARLIE SAYS TOO CLARE.  

One on Whan with Andi.  They do some river speedboating and then jump in and Andi, congrats, you are the first chick in Bachelor history to wear a one-piece. This frolic looks fucking awful, though, because it appears to be freezing and instead of tropical yachting like we usually get instead we're fighting for survival in some kind of jungle rock formation.

This goes on for quite a while - YAWN - and then we pop out in some waterfall thing or whatever and the No Makeout Rule is obvi suspended again.  

Outdoor Dinner by some giant geyser.  They're trying to get down on some lamb kebabs when the damn thing goes off and GREAT PLANNING ABC but I guess it's supposed to represent all the sublimated sexual desire on this show.  When did I start talking like a grad student.  Andi obviously has no chance but she gets the Roaring Geyser of Juan Pablo's Love Rose.  How does Andi feel?  "It's so ironic to be standing next to a geyser because our chemistry is bursting through as well."  THAT'S NOT WHAT IRONY MEANS ANDI.

"Our chemistry is bursting through."  Christ.

Group date in Rotorua, which is of course beautiful and whatever but maybe not conducive to having a picnic in what appears to be 75 mph winds.  Oh, this is fantastic: Rotorua reminds Chelsie of Ohio "except we don't have hills."  Ohio, New Zealand - people are always getting them confused!  Except for the tiny detail that OHIO DOESN'T RESEMBLE NEW ZEALAND IN ANY POSSIBLE WAY except they both exist on Earth and have soil and trees.  Then everybody gets into swimsuits and it's INTO THE GIANT PLASTIC HAMSTER BALLS which is kind of a perfect metaphor for this show.  

For the Night Portion we are in some kind of Lord of the Rings theme park.  You knew the LOTR stuff was lurking offstage just waiting for its moment.  Either NZ has some kind of natural peroxiding effect or Rootsy's had some work done up top.  Meanwhile Whan muddles through some Feelings Talk with some chicks and then does his weird Tongue Insertion Kissing with Rootsy.  Seriousleen manages to work in that this is "inorganic" again and Whan says not to question herself and just enjoy dis and I think that's what cult leaders say.  She gets the Organic Rose and then Whan cuts loose NBA Player Whelping Delivery Vehicle Cassandra because I guess he's not enjoying dis.  She gets put in the Crying Range Rover and says she's been "waiting so long for something special" and YOU ARE 22 YEARS OLD.  I've waited longer for shit on backorder from Amazon.  Whan returns to the Shire alone with his tiny Head Umbrella.  

Now Professional Temptress Clare gets a second Solo Date. She's trying to get him to apologize for banging her or something, I'm not sure.  He opines that if he somehow resisted her devilish advances, "she'd be devastated right now." OH HO HO HO WHAN.  Is that how it is? THIS JUST IN: Professional Athlete Is Kind of a Tool.  Film at 11.  Anyway, Nighttime Snax at the Hilton.  Clare seems to be under the impression that Whan "apologized" for something but I didn't hear it.  She snags the Managed Not To Fuck On the Second Date Rose.

The Cocktail Party this week is a somewhat somber affair.  Maybe everyone realized that Life is a Meaningless Void and our Lives are Empty and Dark, or maybe we're out of champagne.  Rootsy says she wants a "partner" and "someone to share all the things life has to offer" and maybe some other things she copied from every single Match.com profile ever. DO YOU WANT A PARTNER IN CRIME TOO ROOTSY?  ENJOY CANDELIGHT DINNERS?  Oh no, here comes Kat with some downer shit about Drunk Dad.  PULL UP KAT PULL UP.  

Let's hand out the roses.  Rootsy and Mom Renee are in.  It's down to OMGCHELSIE and DownerKat.  

OUT: Baggage Claim.  I told you to wait until later with the Drunk Dad stuff.  I'm kind of bummed because I wanted to meet Dad on the hometowns, maybe get some shots.  Anyway, she's off in the Crying Limo and she reveals why she can't hold on to a guy: she's too great!  THAT'S MY PROBLEM TOO, KAT!  Let's you and me and Drunk Dad hit the bar.  

(The outtakes they play under the final credits this week features Whan and the girls THROWING SHEEP FECES AT EACH OTHER.  I was wrong; the hamster balls were NOT the best metaphor for this show this week.)