Put-Upon Billionaire? COME TO MY SEMINAR!

Man, it's getting tough out there for an unfathomably wealthy plutocrat.  If we're not getting Kristallnachted, some dumpy burg is getting stingy all of the sudden with hosting our yacht race!

That's why I'm offering this special weekend-long seminar for us, entitled "Fun Percent for the One Percent."  Join us at a to-be-disclosed later location, where you'll dine on five-star cuisine, enjoy a relaxing round of golf or polo, hunt the occasional endangered species, and have the opportunity to participate in one of our many course offerings, such as:

Selecting the Right Summer Place This Summer

Aspen, Jackson, Hamptons, Lille?
Which summer house fits the bill?

Do you find yourself perpetually confused about which summer place to go to after a long spring looting pension funds and counting your profits from hedge funding?  In this session, we'll work together to figure out which retreat works best for you.  (It is helpful, but not required, to have at least three options to select from.)

When Your Civic Leader Won't Heel

Is your paid-for mayor, senator, congressperson, or UN delegate not returning your calls immediately?  ARRRRRGH SO FRUSTRATING.  We've all been there.  Let's explore the best ways to correct this annoying behavior, whether it be the rapid application of campaign cash funneled through the children of your employees or the charmingly old-school junket to Hong Kong.  (NOTE: Please have the names of your civic leader's wife and offspring available.)

G4 No More!

Oh no, are you still riding around in a G4? Don't let Ellison catch you in that hooptie!  Let's get you set up in a new ride.  Maybe a Dassault Falcon 7X for those short trips.  When you've got a long haul to Davos, though, it's a Boeing or bust!  Just ask Larry Page.  He doesn't go anywhere without his 767.  Anything less and you might as well be riding the bus!

Meh.

Spanish for Maids and Gardeners

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I needed to tell Luis "Careful with that topiary!"  In this brief class, you'll learn a number of useful phrases, such as "Please bring the brie to room temperature," "I spilled some yuan in the study, please clean it up," and "If you're using the leaf blower, direct it towards Benioff's yard."

How to Write an Op-Ed

Need to vent a little bit about how the hyenas and worker drones are insufficiently appreciative of the gifts you lavish upon them?  In this session, we'll learn about how to craft the perfect Mr. Burns-style outrage piece.  You'll learn such phrases as "know their place," "look at all I've done for you" and especially "I'm the real victim here."  Breakout sessions with Greg Gopman and Tom Perkins ("Perkie").

Is That An Art? I Want to Buy An Art

Nothing says fabulously wealthy like having a one-of-a-kind piece of art, but how do you pick?  Stupid Steve Wynn bought all the good stuff already!  Let's look at what kind of unbelievably overpriced not very good art makes a perfect Fuck You World purchase.  If you think spending $75 million for a cantaloupe submerged in a pitcher of Tang makes sense, this is for you!  FEATURED: Damien Hirst, Jeff Koons.

If you get a chance, please stop by the Scion Locator Booth, where we'll help you determine, in case you've forgotten, which boarding school you sent your overprivileged child to.  "Choate!," you'll exclaim, slapping your forehead.  "Of course!"

Oh God, here comes Bill Gates.  He's the worst!  Luckily, you can duck into our Philanthropy Avoidance Chamber for a quick glass of Krug 1928 and a dollop of caviar.  Bonsoir!