Friday, August 23, 2013

I have found the Holy Grail of bad baby name sites

As you may have noticed, I'm continually fascinated by the wacky variety of names that Today's Parents choose to foist upon their hapless offspring, and I recently discovered a Vital Resource in Bad Name Research.  On Babycenter.com, future parents who are too lazy or clueless to actually make a fucking decision and pull the trigger on a name for their future burden to society can throw their hands up and PUT IT TO A VOTE in the "Baby Name Polls" section, which turns out to be one of the most unintentionally hilarious things I've seen in a while.  Here's a sample:

Tyton!  And Titania!  I hope they meet at a Babycenter.com Reunion years from now and get married and have little Titanium or Titanella.

There are the usual Bad Decisions:


"Crystal" is almost the stripperiest name you can give a kid.  It's also convenient because you're naming the kid after her inevitable future drug of choice.  Anyway, "Crystal" is bad enough, but those alternative choices veer off from bad to unbelievably bizarre.  How do you even pronounce "Chriscylda"?  That sounds like a skin disease.

(Yes, I know.  "Famenine."  Let's keep it to the matter at hand.)

Don't look now, sweetie, but your husband is pulling your leg:

At least, I hope he is, because I WANT TO PARTY WITH THAT GUY.  Fire Star!  HAHAHAHAHA.  That is so fucking awesome.

Wait, he might be serious?  Oh Jesus.  I guess they're at Burning Man right now.  Anyway, I have no idea what her little list underneath is supposed to mean.  Isn't she mixing up boy and girl names?  I guess Fire Star is unisex.  "Lanoi" and "Nanoi" is awesome for twins, BTW.

In some cases, we got here too late:


Can you read that?  "Siblings so far as Azalea, Wisteria, Camellia, Jedidiah, Sylvia!"  Actually, Camellia is fine.  Wisteria is just weird.  How about Sativa?  Or Poison Ivy.  Every family needs a Bad Girl.  Also, STOP HAVING KIDS.

I guess it's time to put my own poll up.

Have a good weekend, everybody!
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8 comments:

  1. AnonymousAugust 23, 2013 at 10:22 AM

    "Purple Patches McCloud" (I can mix and match, right?)

    ReplyDelete
  2. AndreaAugust 23, 2013 at 10:47 AM

    While pregnant with my now 11 month old daughter, my 5 year old son had two suggestions for names:

    1. Chicken Pie Bart Rhinus Twix
    and
    2. Princess Jesus

    We chose neither. He was disappointed.

    ReplyDelete
  3. TKAugust 23, 2013 at 11:04 AM

    Burritojustice -

    There are no rules, obviously! Feel free to do whatever you want!

    Andrea -

    OMFG YOU PASSED ON PRINCESS JESUS? Seriously, those are both FANTASTIC. Hats off to your son. He should consider Professional Name Coaching.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousAugust 23, 2013 at 3:37 PM

    *writes Princess Jesus down in her notebook*

    ReplyDelete
  5. StephenAugust 23, 2013 at 3:55 PM

    Sharktopus or Piranhaconda? I mean, sure, it's playful, but I also want it to be masculine. So it's gotta be Piranhaconda, right?


    And I kept imagining "Crystal Quincy Punk Episode."

    ReplyDelete
  6. Leslie KAugust 24, 2013 at 8:22 PM

    Because you failed to put a direct link to the name polls, I now have "babycenter.com baby name poll" on my boyfriend's computer search history.

    THANKS.

    ReplyDelete
  7. StoneyAugust 26, 2013 at 11:22 AM

    Princess Jesus!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. TamagosanAugust 27, 2013 at 2:25 PM

    If this isn't a reality show in the making, I don't know what is.

    ReplyDelete

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