The Bachelor: Chill out bro

We have now come to that portion of the show wherein the contestants are no longer satisfied with debasing themselves on national TV and must drag their otherwise innocent families into it.  We will begin in Houston where we find AdopTee and her old lady dog frolicking in a featureless suburb.  Sean shows up and they sit in a field and bore us all to fucking tears about her family and his family and everyone's a reverend and I bet they end up together because they're both total born agains and yawn.  OK, let's go meet these losers.  AdopTee's fake parents are a zaftig duo who enjoy iced tea in the backyard and this is a No Booze family.  Sad.  They seem vaguely troubled by AshLee's tales of romance but c'mon, you two, she got MARRIED at 17, so I bet she's had The Sex before.  Mom gets Big Dumb Sean alone and wants to spill it all about AshLee's abandonment issues and Mom if you are trying to sweeten the deal you are not doing a good job.  Back at the outdoor table, Dad tells the AshLee origin myth and it's sort of boring even by adoption story standards. 

Let's move on to Seattle, where Ambiguously Ethnic Catherine lives in her man-free House of Women.  But first we are legally required to show scenes of guys throwing fish in the Public Market.  Throwing Fish is Seattle's Lombard Street.  In fact, I saw a guy on TV who worked there and he said it was all fake and they have a stunt fish they throw around because you actually don't want to eat fish that's been thrown around like a football.  Fake fake fake.  Anyway, C finds this whole tableau transcendentally joyous, and she loves: (1) "the way he smells" (fishlike, at this point, we assume); (2) his "big beefy arms", and (3) "the way he accepts me for who I am in every way."  Gross.  Sounds like she needs to be with a powerlifting commercial fisherman with a short memory. 

On to Mom's house, where we find Mom, Grandma, and 2 fairly hot sisters.  They're a Booze Family, yay.  I was wondering why no men and then I remembered Dad got shipped back to China after his suicide attempt or whatever.  Anyway, Hot Sisters aren't so into Sean.  C says if he proposes, "I'd say yeah. I want to try this out!" like it's Zumba or the Atkins diet and not the Sacred Covenant of Marriage.  So then Hot Sisters go to Sean and throw C under the bus!  Guess what, Huge White Man?  She has wild mood swings!  She may be bipolar!  She is not ready to settle down!  Thanks, sisters!

Next up: Drunk Lindsay at Fort Leonard Wood, MO, which is the least intimidating Fort name ever.  I guess all the good fort names like Fort Vengeance and Fort Pyre of Enemy Skulls were taken and they were like "Well, Leonard's a good guy, let's just name it after him."  They wander around downtown FLW and stop by the Extremely Confrontational Curio Shoppe.

Sean says "This is more closely related to real life than anything else" and if you can figure out what the fuck that means, call me.  Since Lindsay is driving the train, they head straight for the booze and get some beers.  Then, prior to meeting the fam, we have to detour for some fake Army training stuff and for the second time tonight, S has to do pushups with a girl on his back and why is this now a required feature of hometown visits.  Anyway, on to meet the General and he looks military but like the Nice Kind of Military and not the Crazy Kind of Military.  Booze Family, of course.  The General isn't sure about giving Sean his blessing to marry his daughter but gives some kind of paratrooper speech and then it's cool.  I didn't really understand what happened there.  He gifts Sean with some dog tags and we are outta here.

Back to LA to meet up with Des and the Poors.  They start out with some hiking or something?  Natch, it's the first place people don't stare at the cameras.  Things can't be too bad!  Des's parents have a house!  Oh, no, wait, it's her house.  It looks nice and has a pool?  I guess not everyone in the family lives in a lean-to by the drainage canal! It's also filled with her "art" that looks like Cost Plus threw up on Pier One.

Who's this at the door?  Oh, it's an actor hired by the producers to pretend to be her ex so they can stage a fake fight and everyone is acting a lot and ho ho ho that was so funny.  I actually wish Sean had fucking hit these dweeb in the teeth but he doesn't.  Anyway, here comes the real fam and they might also be actors because no one looks remotely like Des.  Mom has a real ex-hippie vibe and Dad is basically a lump but Bro is covered in prison tats and has that kind of Meth/Mechanic thing going on.  He does not like this whole thing or maybe just doesn't like Love or Kindness in general because he darkly warns Des "Just don't fall for nobody."

Bro wants to "holler at" Sean and they go outside and Bro is very concerned about something called "reciprocation" and also he thinks Sean is a "playboy" which is FUCKING HILARIOUS because Sean makes Mike Huckabee look like Nikki Sixx and I think his idea of being a playboy would be to go to church with a girl without meeting her parents first.  Anyway, they're about two seconds away from a shanking when it's time to go back inside (no booze, BTW, because Bro is probably on parole) and tonight we're having Awkwardness and Tears for dinner.

Following a tense recap with Chris Harrison, it's time to hand out the hardware.  But wait!  In a SHOCKING BREACH OF ROSE CEREMONY PROTOCOL, Des needs a minute and tries to apologize.  OK, we gotta move on here.  AdopTee gets one, then Drunk Linds, of course, and then...oh no!  S needs another minute and goes to the Secret Room to look at their pictures.  Christ.  Chris Harrison tells him to pull the fucking trigger already.  With that, Des gets dumped.  I hope her Bro doesn't have Sean's home address.  Into the Crying Limo with you.

NEXT TIME:  Fuck, there's more shit TONIGHT?  "Sean Tells All"?  The fuck is that?  I don't know about that.