Republican National Convention Schedule of Events

MONDAY

Virtually all convention activities scheduled for Monday have been cancelled due to Hurricane Isaac. Pat Robertson will hold a briefing at 6 pm to explain "Why This Hurricane Doesn't Represent God's Wrath When Hurricanes That Hit Democratic Stuff Always Do".

TUESDAY

The convention proper will kick off with the ceremonial Execution of a Mentally Retarded Inmate. Rick Perry will push the button. Cocktails and heavy apps in the Guillotine Room to follow.

National anthem sung by Ted Nugent, followed by "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang".

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus will give a speech entitled "How to Pronounce Reince Priebus".

Roll call for nomination of president of the United States. Opportunity to wear tricorner hat and wave snake flags. Please keep sidearms holstered during the nomination. There will be an opportunity for Yosemite Sam-type dancing and firing weapons outside following the nomination.

Rick Santorum will speak on "A Woman's Place Is In The House. And the Backyard! And the Minivan! And Maybe In the Secretarial Pool if Her Husband Gives His Permission!"

Gov. Nikki Haley, R-S.C. will give a speech entitled "Is It Hot In Here? No, It's Just Me! The Global Warming Myth".

(NOTE: Shuttle busses from convention site to Deja Vu Showgirls are NOT endorsed by RNC.)

WEDNESDAY

Remarks by Unnamed Romney Campaign Staffer on "Our Anglo-Saxon Heritage; Let's Work to Preserve It!"

Rep. and Senate Candidate Todd Akin on "How To Tell If You Have Been Legitimately Raped Or If You're Just One of Those Fakers, You Whore."

Todd Akin pushed offstage.

Sen. Rand Paul on "Why Doesn't Obama Look Like Us? Hint, Hint".

THURSDAY

Sen. Marco Rubio on "Los Republicanos Son Muy Buenos". Your gardener or maid will be on hand to assist with translation.

Rep. Lamar Smith unveils plan for new "Happiness Fence" along US-Mexico border.

Rep. Steve King will speak on "There's Something About Obama That's Different from You and Me and Romney But I Can't Quite Put My Finger On It".

Remarks by Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney.

Lighting of cigars with $100 bills.

Closing National Anthem: "Beloved Isle Cayman".