Lyric Deconstruction: "This'll Be My Year"

Train, 2012.

Why do we hate Train so much? They're just a couple of middle-aged white guys, trying to make it in this world by putting out blandly moronic music to appeal to suburban Moms, dentist office waiting rooms, on-hold music loops, and the functionally retarded. So why do we pick on them and not, say, Maroon 5 or that other thing or that Matchbox thing or whatever?

Maybe it's because their lyrics are so insipid and awful. They've just put out a new album called LOOK AT US! WE'RE FROM CALIFORNIA! LOOK! OVER HERE! "California 37". The first song on the album is called "This'll Be My Year."



In '85,
Tuesday morning,
Came alive,
I didn't know ya
Route 66 is gone,
And Reagan's here,
It won't be long

Nintendo comes,
Live Aid, too,
Back to the Future
Where were you,
While I spent all my days
In Catholic school?

Oh goody! It's gonna be one of those montage-of-historical-events songs. I really think the Rosetta stone or the Ten Commandments or the Something of these songs is obviously Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire," although that seems to start in the 50's, and Train kicks off in 1985.

Also: I love "Nintendo comes." If you were a Space Alien or a Time Traveler from the Distant Past and you read this, wouldn't you think "Nintendo" was a savage, conquering god or a permanent, malevolent weather condition and not an 8-bit gaming system? I mean, the gravity of it! NINTENDO COMES. *BOOOOM*

In '89,
The dream begins,
First in line to California,
Pete Rose is banned for good,
The Simpsons come to Hollywood,
Russia leaves Afghanistan,
Flight 103 ends Pan Am,
Bush is here
This is the year
That I feel most alone

Somebody hit up the Wikipedia for "1989"!

No more
Countin' down the hours
No more
Wishin' you were here
I stopped believin',
Although Journey told me 'don't'
Before I call it a day,
Maybe this'll be my year
Maybe this'll be my year
Maybe this'll be my year
Maybe this'll be my year

I see what you did there! You stopped believin', although Journey told you "Don't"! Like "Don't Stop Believin'"! Although that came out in 1981 and kinda fucks your whole chronology. Anyway, this is why people hate Train. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but there is something so horrible and sad about referencing a Journey song in your song. And in the chorus, no less!

In '92,
A boy is born,
The skies were blue
In Ohio
Boris Yeltsin chills,
Freddie dies,
But Queen is still,
Barcelona has the games,
Lady Di is single again,
Clinton wins,
And I still dream
That I'll find you someday

Obviously, the first two lines are a reference to "actor" Taylor Lautner, born February 11, 1992. WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION WITH TWILIGHT STAR TAYLOR LAUTNER, TRAIN SINGER PAT MONAHAN?

This whole verse is full of win. "Boris Yeltsin chills." That's right! "Yo, dude, I be straight chillin, institutin a policy of macroeconomic stabilization, mang. You down?"

In '97,
A baby girl,
Adds some heaven to the world,
Tony Blair tips the scales,
Elton sings for the Princess of Wales,
Microsoft buys into Mac,
My dad has a second heart attack,
And Train leaves San Francisco
In a thousand-dollar van

Train seems to have a particular interest in events in the British Isles. We got Pan Am Flight 103; Freddie Mercury dying; Lady Di's varying marital states; Tony Blair, always an electrifying figure in popular music, making his inevitable appearance, as he does in most MOR over-compressed pop songs; and Lady Di dying, accompanied by Elton. Odd.

Chorus

2001,
The towers fell,
The World is stunned,
I wish I knew ya
I was on a plane,
The world would never be the same
The artificial heart is born--
Ironic when New York's is torn out
Woah-oah-oah-oah

2004,
Began in May,
On tour when I met ya
Facebook joins the Internet,
Oldsmobile joins the cassette
I met your family
It took a while until you kissed me,
But when you did,
I finally felt at home

Jesus, this is really turning into a slog here. Can we start going in 10-year increments or something?

You wanna know why people hate Train? "The artificial heart is born--/Ironic when New York's is torn out/Woah-oah-oah-oah." Pat had come across the "artificial heart" part of the Wikipedia entry for 2001 and thought "Oh, shit, man, I can totally tie this in!" No.

Chorus

2012,
And all I know
Is everybody comes and goes
Everybody sings and cries,
Makes the grade and takes the prize
In somethin', nothin', I don't care,
Because I always know that you'll be here
With me

You're really falling off here, Pat! A lot of stuff has happened already! Here, let me help you:

2012,
Greece is broke
Honduran prison fire with smoke
Farewell to Amadou Toure
Deposed as president of Mali
North Korean satellite
Hunger Games is super-tight
Keystone Pipeline hung up in Congress
And I still miss your sweet caress

You can have this one for free, Train.