The Bachelor: Bitches Love Capes. It's True.

I have a confession to make: I've known that he picked Lizard Queen to be his Baby-Voiced Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Bride since before the season started. I was reading one of those reality TV websites and ignored the ***SPOILER WARNING**** and plowed ahead and found out. Did it diminish my enjoyment of the season? Not really. The only thing that can diminish your enjoyment of "The Bachelor" is having an IQ over 68 or not being home-schooled.

(To the very nice reader who wanted me to join her Bachelor office pool: This is why I couldn't.)

OK! Enough with the jibber jabber. Let's watch this fool get engaged. We are still in Switzerland, now joined by Mom and Sister Julie. B's hair has now reached Dead Animal Left in a Car Trunk in 98 Degree Heat For 2 Weeks level. Here comes Linz! They have some lunch with the Gurlz and Linz is drunk or something and keeps dropping shit. Girlfriend has also developed some Stress Zits. Mom and Sis both interview her. Linz feels like Sis is going to grill her, but Julie mostly just wants to hear herself talk. Blah blah blah I'm so interesting whatever. Oh, she wants to know about Courtney! Linz wants to say "That bitch cray" but tactfully refrains. She gets the Handsome Sister Hug of Approval. Everyone likes Linz. Hey, O/T and all, but what language do they speak in Switzerland? Just curious.

Courtney Day! Here she comes, slurring and baby talking. "Do you like me? Do you like me a little bit?" she says. Ugh, I like you to shut up. Anyway, she meets the fam and Julie takes her out on the balcony for the Plain Girl's Revenge. C says all those other girls were very mean to her. For some reason, Sis and Mom both think Courtney is just fucking awesome. I guess that Model-Fu works on chicks too. Later, Mom and Sis and B all sit down and Sis wants him to pick Courtney! Are you sure about this, Sis? Do you want a 98-pound model sitting next to you at Thanksgiving when you're shoving mashed potatoes and pie into your gullet and crying about how you can't keep a relationship going? You will hate that bitch so fucking much. Think about it.

Alright, Date with Linz. She says it "could be their last date" so she goes all out by throwing on a white T-shirt and no makeup. Don't knock yourself out trying to look good, Lindzi! Combing your hair is for SUCKERS! Anyway, carriage ride, sure, gondola picnic, sure, fondue, check. In fact, ABC has shoehorned fondue into every possible scene because Switzerland, right? They eat fondue like every day there, right? Linz says she can see them together and if this is her opening up there is a lot of boring inside. For the Night Portion, Linz throws on a nicer top but still won't take the Makeup Plunge. B stops by her room for wine and a lot of blah blah blah and let's stop pretending here. You are a Dead Chick Walking and the stench of failure is already heavy upon you.

Courtney Date next. Oh, of course, here comes the helicopter, which she calls a "helichopper" because she's an idiot. They fly up and around the Matterhorn and Ben tells her that on the other side of the mountains is Italy and she goes "Oh, I heard about that." About what? The existence of a country called Italy? I bet you did! They stop off for an impromptu mountain picnic/sledding event and God I just cannot stand her and let's just fucking get this over with. That night, he stops by her room (where, I note, the Ubiquitous Fondue Pot sits at the ready) and she has a gift for him! It's a book of pictures of them that ABC gave her! Then it's time for some Relationship Talk. Since they had an uncomfortably long interval not talking about her, she has to bring it back to herself and how she needs positive feedback and this frightens and confuses Bad Hair and meanwhile warning bells are LITERALLY going off in the background.

Let's get to the Proposal and GTFO. So, it's the big day. Everyone's wearing capes like they're Draculettes or in a Disney movie. We've got a proposal site set up on a mountaintop like some kind of Druid Altar and human sacrifice looks good right about now. Linz arrives, FINALLY wearing a little lipstick, but too little too late. As soon as he gets to the "But..." she knows and gives him some serious side-eye. As if this whole thing isn't humiliating enough, Linz piles on herself by saying "If things don't work out, call me?" Oh, sweetie. You could do better. The cameraman is better.

Alright, let's give this bitch a ring. She shows up all Capey and Elbow-Glovey like she's Vapidella de Ville and she valiantly says she could "possibly love him forever." Yeah, better not to commit to too much at this stage. So he asks her and she gets emotional once she sees the bigass rock ABC bought her. "I love it," she says. Finally, I get the feeling she's not bullshitting. The end.

Oh, not the end. There's a special with Chris Harrison and lots of crying. They're still together. Oh wait, no they're not. Oh, maybe they are. Everyone cries. This is more boring than that "How It's Made" about how they make potting soil. Anyway, let's move on with our lives and pretend none of this ever happened.