The Bachelorette: A Very Special All-Crying Episode!

Like many of you, or nobody else in the world, I spent last night flipping back and forth between The Trials of Ashley Chipmunk on DVR and the 13-inning marathon that the Giants eventually won and so forgive me if I accidentally write about Chipmunk's date with Jeremy Affeldt or seem to remember Bentley bunting in the 11th. ANYWAY.

Solo date with Ben C. I have no memory of this anonydude. Chipmunk tells us that she's been working with "Flash Mob America" to coordinate the perfect Flash Mob. Oh Christ. Flash Mob America's website is down today, I assume because there are thousands of mouthbreathing jelly donuts who have never heard the term "Flash Mob" and are furiously looking it up on AOL today but their Tumblr says they are "a nationwide, full service Flash Mob production company with an extensive community of passionate Flash Mob enthusiasts from all over the country!" Oh fuck you.

Anyway, they go to some fancy-ass strip mall with a lawn called "The Americana" in fucking Glendale and sit on the tiny patch of grass while tourists and shopaholics photograph them like they're snow leopards or retarded monkeys. Then Flash Mob America shows up for a carefully packaged and rehearsed spontaneous dance exhibition to "Like a G6" and God if I never hear that song again it'll be too soon. Oh look, Far East Movement is here because I guess donating bone marrow or going to a poetry slam wasn't painful enough.

(At this point, I got a text from an associate that said "Helicopters: Out. Asians: In" but I didn't understand it at all until she clarified that Far East Movement contains Asians but it's cool because she's 1/4 Asian.)

They have dinner at the Hilton Checkers (really, Hilton? Hilton Checkers? The fuck?) and Ben C. is apparently dining on pharmaceutical grade cocaine because he starts babbling wildly about wanting to "live in a bubble with somebody" which is in fact an "unrealistic idealistic bubble where we're convinced we're more in love than any other couple that ever lived" and then sucks in air through his teeth and goes "MAN I FUCKING LOVE THE HILTON CHECKERS AND BEING ON THIS SHOW. FUCKING LOVE IT." Chipmunk seems to like this mania.

Back at Douche Ranch, Mask Guy takes Ash aside and is ready to take off the mask and he does it and OMG IT'S COREY HAIM HE IS STILL ALIVE oh wait no, it's just another jerkoff with a Failed Dating Strategy. Whatever.

For our Group Date, a bunch of us will go to the Comedy Store in LA and do a Hi-Fucking-Larious roast of Ashley. I'm running long here, so I'll condense it: Small boob joke; small boob joke; small boob joke; William says he wishes it was Emily or Chantal on the show instead of Chipmunk; small boob joke. WHOOPS! Ashley cries and cries. Bentley goes to comfort her in his menacing way and says her boobs are great and chuckles evilly and SHE EATS THAT SHIT UP. Meanwhile, William keeps hitting himself in the head with his shoe and going "Stupid! Stupid!" Dramatic shots of him wandering the streets of West Hollywood. Ashley is chatting with Demasked Guy, who tries to comfort her by telling her he adopted a three-legged dog. CHRIST MASK GUY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT? Also, her fake eyelashes are now all wet and look like swim fins attached to her eyelids. Gross.

Next day at the Bachelorette house, Chipmunk is walking around the pool and gazing meaningfully into middle distance. She is in love with Bentley, we learn. Cut to Bentley, who says he's not "feeling it" and he "played everyone" and WTF? If by "played everyone" you mean "convinced America that I'm a psychopathic monster," then yes. He goes over there to tell her he's splitting. He makes up some shit about missing his daughter but tells us secretly it's just because he's not feeling it. Chipmunk cries cries cries cries. How will she go on without this emotionless crapmonster in her life? He's off to go home and tend to the severed heads in his fridge and torture some animals or whatever. Chicks love assholes. It is so true.

But now who will treat me like shit? PLEASE DON'T GO!!!

So she's got to pull herself together for a date with JP Gordon-Levitt. This date is apparently ordering Chinese food and sitting on the floor in PJs while she cries about Bentley. What is he, her fat best friend? Maybe they'll braid each other's hair and make collages! He gets the Sympathetic Friend Rose. Then they make out.

No pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party b/c Chipmunk is still devastated about Psycho Killer leaving. Let's go straight to the cuts. She is wearing a dress made from crumpled aluminum foil. Maybe she and JP did crafts last night too! I fast-forwarded through most of this but I can report that she cut Mask Guy, who can now form a traveling circus with his three-legged dog, and some guy named Chris who I didn't know was on the show. That's about it.