The Bachelor: The Women Tell All. And Then Pile on Michelle.

“The Bachelor: The Women Tell All” is a ritual of public humiliation in which the women who are not one of the Final 2 in the running to be Brad’s TV Wife are heavily made-up and herded onto a soundstage so they can berate one another. It’s horrifying but also fascinating because it confirms what we suspected about these women: they’re much smarter and meaner than they pretended not to be on the show.

BUT FIRST we are treated to scenes of some kind of Bachelor reunion parties in New York and LA. These parties are apparently designed to lure contestants into signing contracts while drunk to appear on the execrable “Bachelor Pad” and also to get Frog Prince Kasey laid. (Which, BTW, I read somewhere he was dating Vienna. That’s a match made in the Ninth Circle of some Reality Hell.)

Anyway, then we’re treated to a recap of supposedly controversial moments on the show and then we go back to live and everyone starts piling on Michelle. Thuis apparently makes for good TV, since Michelle has been cast as the villain this year but maybe she was just sarcastic. I could see that being a problem with this crowd. I’m not sure sarcasm registers. Jackie calls her a “spider,” because Jackie just learned the word “spider” and wants to use it. Also, Madison the Vampire Girl has suddenly developed a personality.

After a commercial break and an opportunity for every single girl to say the phrase “here for the right reasons,” it’s time for Michelle to sit down with Chris Harrison. Chris says it’s “hard to explain until you’re in y’all’s heels.” WAIT WHAT. What’s with the “y’alls,” Chris Harrison? Oh, wait, he’s from Dallas so I guess he can get away with that. Everyone is being very mean to Michelle. “Look at me. I can’t even breathe,” she says. For some reason, this generates applause in the audience. Stacey the bartender says Michelle should have put her child first! That’s very mean! Britt thinks everyone hates Michelle because she’s “ridiculously gorgeous.” WHOA BRITT. That’s a different show.

Now we have segments on a few of the chicks. Nanny Ashley’s dream is to be a great wife and mother. Nanny Ashley, I remind you, is 26 years old. She needs to read Jezebel or a book or something. Dentist Ashley now has brown hair and opines that it was a “defense mechanism” that kept her from TV love. Would that everyone was equipped with such a mechanism. Then she goes into Manic Giggly Mode and we all lose interest again.

Brad comes out and we see some tape of him and Chris visiting a preschool in South Africa and bestowing a hot water heater on them and the whole thing is so staged it’s borderline uncomfortable but I guess a good water heater is a good water heater. The only other thing of interest is an outtake reel they show and WOW HOLY SHIT Brad actually DOES have a personality, they’ve just edited any trace of it out this season. For most of the show he’s been 20 bpm above cadaver stage but on the outtake reel he’s like Robin Williams after an 8-ball. Who knew!

Next week is the finale and then we can move past this together, thank God.