The Bachelor: Dead to Me

If there’s one thing Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted, it would be for a blandly handsome white man with permanent stubble to be on TV every week picking his next wife from a stable of desperate, attention-craving white women, so YOUR DREAM HAS BEEN REALIZED DR. KING and let’s get on with it.

Nanny Ashley is awarded a solo date and responds with a sound audible only to dogs. Crazy Michelle is ANGRY, a theme we will return to again and again tonight. So off Brad and Ashley go. Is Ashley wearing Silly Bandz? That seems about right. Like many LA daters, they go to Studio A at Capitol Records to record a cover of Seal’s “Kiss from a Rose.” This reminds Ashley of her Dead Father. As we shall see, if you don’t have a Dead Person in your life, you are SOL in this episode. Anyway, they go down the hall and there’s REAL SEAL singing the same song! What a coincidence! Then Mr. Seal plays some other song no one cares about. They go and have dinner on the roof of the Capitol building and she tells him about her Dad dying and then they slow dance and make out. I don’t get why it was such a big secret. Also, it appears that Brad is only capable of kissing while slow dancing.

Big Group Date with Crazy Michelle and a bunch of others. They go film some faux action movie scenes and it’s mostly boring except when he’s making out with the Funeral Director and Crazy Michelle shoots crazy eyes at them. She is VERY ANGRY. Off to another in what will be a season-long series of rooftop pools. Chantal gets to try out her Dead Father story and see if it beats Ashley’s. It seems she hadn’t talked to him in 15 years and calls him up and he was dead. That’s better than Ashley’s!

Back at the house, Lifetime Emily is telling the Dead Racecar Driver story and JESUS CHRIST THIS EPISODE HAS MORE DEATH THAN A SMALLPOX EPIDEMIC.

Cut back to the pool. Brad is chatting up Alli. The girl, not the obesity pill. It’s fine and blah blah blah whatever when EEE EEE EEE there’s Crazy Michelle stalking up on them!!! Run!! Save yourselves!! Apparently no one died on Michelle, so she’s SOL tonight. Morticia gets a rose. She’s obvi in the lead because she gets to see dead people every day!

Solo date w/ Lifetime Emily. What is she wearing? Some kind of gramma shawl thrown over a Laura Ashley bedspread jumper. They get jetted off to Santa Maria and have dinner in a hay-covered barn lit by candles! That thing is going to go up like, I don’t know, like a hay-covered barn with candles everywhere. Perhaps sensing her own imminent fiery death, Lifetime breaks down and tells the Legend of Racecar Ricky, which ends, maybe, in a plane crash? “They flew there, and the plane never landed there,” she says. Some say it still flies through the night skies! If you listen closely to the wind, you can hear the sound of a 750 horsepower V-8! Lifetime gets a rose because everyone who has a Death Story gets a rose. Michelle’s Dad should sleep with one eye open tonight!

Brad is pacing around the Bachelor Mansion and looking troubled. Here comes a Guest Therapist With an Accent to sort him out! This guy is clearly angling for his own Dr. Oz-type show. He tells Brad about his father dying. Not really, he tells him some bullshit about opening his heart or something. I wasn’t really listening.

We’re getting there. Cocktail Party. Brad chats with Alli, who has a good story about Dad cheating on Mom and surprising her with a new sister but disappointingly, no one dies in the story so Brad kind of loses interest. HERE COMES CRAZY MICHELLE throwing herself in his path. He manages to get away and is having Feelings Time with Morticia when Michelle creeps up AGAIN. She demands an explanation about WHY HE’S KISSING THOSE OTHER GIRLS. I don’t know where to start with this crazy bitch.

Oh no, it seems that Madison is leaving! She takes out her Vampire teeth to show she’s serious. She may not be Here for the Right Reasons.

It’s finally fucking time for the Rose Ceremony. Madison books in the middle of it because she feels like the other girls deserve it more. Brad, don’t look so concerned. She’s a model in NYC rocking some serious sideboob. Her options include rock stars and investment bankers. She’s gonna be fine, trust me.

Yadda yadda yadda all the usuals get a rose. The last one goes to Stacey. Who the fuck is she? Is she on this show? This week’s cuts: Older Chick and Tiny Mouth. Between the two of them, they show off the 2 ways to leave: Angry Defiance and Weepy Sadness. There is a better life waiting for all of us.