True Tales of Holiday Air Travel

Now is that time of year when Family Members who aren't in Prison or Too Drunk are summoned out to Dad's place for the Thanksgiving Thing. In my case, this necessitates some Air Travel, which has been in the news lately as you might have noticed and thus I was kind of interested in a morbid way to see what kind of indignities the TSA would visit upon me.

ANSWER: Nothing. They barely looked at my bag as it slid through the X-Ray machine or what have you. I could have packed a set of Ginsu knives or a baggie full of China White in there and no one would have been the wiser. I strolled through that metal detector like a motherfucking BOSS and never broke stride.

My biggest problem was the balding, birdlike man behind me who seemed to think that he could accelerate the screening process by SURGICALLY ATTACHING HIMSELF TO ME and NEVER STRAYING MORE THAN ONE MICRON FROM ME like he was some kind of Security Remora and I was his Leader Shark. BACK THE FUCK UP JOEL IT'S NOT MAKING THINGS ANY FASTER.

Meanwhile The Wife was selected to go through the Porno Machine and so somewhere there exists a full-body nude of her and she was all "If that gets you off be my guest."

Our only real issue, in fact, was getting goddam AIRBORNE so we could get 4 minis of Skyy and be on our way. And now we're here.