Last night's Whitman-Brown debate: Where the candidates stand on the issues

QUALIFICATIONS

Meg Whitman: I am an A+++++++++ POWER SELLER WILL DO BUSINESS AGAIN. Sorry I never voted before. I never really gave a shit about politics until about a year ago when I got bored overseeing people selling unopened Bratz dolls to each other. Plus, have you looked at Jerry Brown? He’s like a million years old. We’ll be lucky if he lives until inauguration. Wait, what’s “inauguration” again?

Jerry Brown: That’s true. I am old. Old enough to remember when BITCHES KEPT THEIR MOUTHS SHUT. I mean, old enough to have lots of experience! I was governor when we had a $6 billion surplus! It was because of the Gold Rush! Maybe there’s more gold up there! I will start a state program to find that gold.

TAXES

Meg Whitman: Only poor people should pay taxes. The tax rate for rich people will be 0%. For poor people it will be 100%. Poor people can make money by doing tricks and tumbling routines for the amusement of rich people, who will then toss them shiny coins and chocolates. This will result in a more jobs, since rich people use their money to create jobs and not buy G-4s like I do.

Jerry Brown: Everyone's taxes will go up, a lot. This will fund the new state employee retirement age of 30. Anyone who works for the state for 6 months or more can retire and get their full salary for the rest of their lives.

Related: This is what KCRA in Sacramento is calling their election coverage, no shit. I mean, "Commitment 2010"? Really? I want to vote, not take our relationship to the next level. Fuck.

IMMIGRATION

Meg Whitman: We need Brown People to pick our delicious arugula and then GTFO. I will create a program that imports faceless masses of Browns to do my bidding, and then send them back to Salsa Verde or wherever they came from.

Jerry Brown: When I was governor, Mexico owned California and we were fine like that. I pledge to work closely with our Mexican overlords. Wait, what was the question? I’m old, dammit!

UNEMPLOYMENT

Meg Whitman: I have a plan to create jobs. Everyone in California who doesn’t have a job will come to work on my palatial estate as gardeners and maids. Do not use the indoor bathrooms. Those are for family only. Use the Porta Potties. No toque el lícor.

Jerry Brown: When I was governor, I created 1.6 million jobs. I did this by having the State hire 1.6 million people. I can do this again. I’m old.

THE BUDGET

Meg Whitman: Putting Jerry Brown in charge of pension reform is like putting Rick James in charge of the cocaine. If we are short on the budget, I'll totally loan California the money if you SWEAR SWEAR SWEAR on Nick Jonas's life that you will pay it back. I'm really going to need it back.

Jerry Brown: I'm old now, so I don't give a shit anymore about pissing people off. You know the grandma in the Lark scooter in front of you in line at Walgreens arguing about Double Coupon Day when you're just trying to get some fucking Altoids because you still smell like booze from last night and you're about to give a presentation? I'll totally be that grandma. We will Fall Into Savings at Walgreens.