Mad Men #1: Thanks for the ham!

A bottle of Jameson split 4 ways isn’t that bad, right? Ugh, maybe it was the additional 4 bottles of wine that did it. Fuck, sometimes I feel like all I do is recap television shows. Do you people know about Television Without Pity? You’re gonna shit, I’m not even lying.

We’re back and it’s 1964 and Pete Campbell is still a douche and now Don Draper is a sub! Bet you didn’t see that coming. Show of hands, ladies, who’s picturing DD in a ball gag, vacuuming your house? I mean, once they invented vacuums. And ball gags. Anyway, check out the new SterCoopDraPry offices! Nice, huh? Wait, who’s Sweater Vest? At least he’s drinking Jameson! I like him already. So far, in the first 5 scenes, everyone is drinking. I’m trying to figure out in exactly which year people stopped stumbling around half-drunk 24/7. Did this happen in the 70’s? I know it didn’t happen in the 90’s, because that’s when I started doing it.

Don lives in the Village! Either above the Hong Kong Tailor or Joe the Art of Coffee.

I fucking guarantee you that today, people are taking pictures of this intersection. Whoa, Don’s got a Mexi-Maid! She should force him to do the dishes. He likes that. We see a Montage of Don’s Solo Life and it’s overintentionally depressing. He leaves his TV on 24/7 which is kind of annoying, since TV was boring in 1964. Also, Don’s got hisself a ho. What do you think a good sex/slap combo runs in 1964? Like $3.50 or something like that.

In other news, there’s some kind of ham-buying scam that I couldn’t follow but it also involves Peggy coming over to DD’s with some bro holding a casserole and she’s all “This is my fiance” and he’s all “What?” and Don’s all “Whatever, later LOL.”

FINALLY January Jones shows up. She looks sober! That’s unusual for January Jones, from what I hear. Oh, and PLEASE MORMON MARRY ME AND BE MY SECOND WIFE JANUARY JONES I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Ew, she married the Cryptkeeper! Gross! Hmmm, Most Awkward Thanksgiving Ever with Cryptkeeper’s Family, and I’m including the one where I stayed upstairs in the guest bedroom and drank Maker’s Mark and cried and wouldn’t come down. Hey wait, is that ANOTHER New Bobby? Fuck, this isn’t One Life to Live where you can just change out the actors every show and no one cares. Oh, maybe it’s the Same Bobby, never mind. Anyway, Cryptkeeper’s Mom is a B-I-T-C-H! Or is that his sister? They’re all about 100 years old, who knows?

Ewwww, are Betty and Cryptkeeper going to do it in the car? G-ross! He’s going to get a hernia or something!

Let’s see what Don’s got for the Jantzen campaign! Oh, it’s terrible. I mean, wow, that is really, really bad. Fuck whether or not it’s too “racy,” it just sucks. Although the chick in the ad looks kinda hot. What? I’m a guy. So the Jantzen folks don’t like it at all, big surprise, and Don throws them out of the office. He a mess. Hopefully Anna Camp will straighten his shit out. Speaking of, can you believe she didn’t bang him? FIRST TIME EVER. No, really, you’d think Jon Hamm wrote the show, the way DD gets laid.

Oh, and to my companions last night: My mistake. It’s Ben Affleck that’s secretly banging Blake Lively, not Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm is banging…oh, anyone he wants to, I imagine.