The Bachelorette: We Don't Really Care About the Dog

It’s Monday night, so you know what that means! Soft crying and self-medication. Oh, and The Bachelorette. We’re in Lisbon! I can tell because Ali says something in a foreign language that has the word “Lisbon” in it. We first see the Final Five lined up in some public square. Unfortunately, they’re not being shot for treason. Oh, look, Frank is wearing Baby Gap! HOW CUTE. I love his little anchor tee.

Solo date with Roberto. They run around Lisbon taking pictures of each other until Roberto says “When I hear music, I’m sorry, I can’t help but dancing.” It’s his fiery Latin blood! Or whatever he is. He proves this to be true by dancing in the middle of the sidewalk and annoying Lisbonites. They get on Lisbon public transit, which is just like Muni except it’s empty, there aren’t any 14-year-olds tagging the interior, and it goes more than 1 mile an hour. They go to some castle and drink wine and make out. Ali says she “can’t figure him out”! Wow, the Jumble must be like Fermat’s Last Theorem for her.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the guys are talking about HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT THING ON CHRIS’S FACE?



It’s the worst case of ringworm in history or he slept on a hot plate or something. Maybe ABC can use some of the Ali’s Hair Budget that they haven’t touched to get him some medical care.

OK, 2 on 1 date with Ty and Franksta. Fuck, ANOTHER helicopter ride? I haven’t seen this many helicopter rides since “Apocalypse Now.” They go to some other castle and have the Most Uncomfortable Dinner Ever. Ty darkly warns Frank to “stay away from the spinach” which is pretty good advice because spinach is deadly poison. Frank and Ali go off alone and he confesses that he lives with his parents. That explains why he dresses like a 9-year-old! He says it’s brought his family closer together. Someday maybe you can live with them too, Ali! Oh, he’s wearing a thumb ring, ew. Frank is just sad.

Solo date with Kirk. They take a horsedrawn carriage ride to Clicheville. Ali’s hair now looks like the rotting strands of a dead bird’s nest. They have yet another romantic dinner on the roof. Blah blah blah no one says anything remotely interesting. Kirk says he deserves love and happiness. What he deserves is the graveyard shift at a 7-Eleven in Hoboken, but life isn’t always fair. They come upon a Witch from Hell singing some godawful music. She gonna put the Evil Eye on you, Ali! You gotta tip her!

Next we have a solo date with Dead Mother. They’re going for a scooter ride. This has a Difficulty Level of about 20 for DM. It’s a fucking bicycle with a motor, not a goddam F-18, DM! They stop at the Scenic Overlook to talk. He wants her to meet his family. Most of it, anyway! Then they talk about his dead mother, shock. Next they visit a winery where DM gifts her with something he calls a “Dennis bracelet.” I think that’s what he called it. It’s a piece of wire with a ball bearing stuck to it. That’s Old World craftsmanship! Ali’s very touched because she’s never had a piece of jewelry that only cost 45 cents to make. You gonna have a green wrist tomorrow, Ali!

On to the Elimination. She cuts Ty and his awful wardrobe. Ty is clearly not “31,” as he claims, BTW. She walks him to the limo in the pouring rain and stands there until her spray tan starts to melt.

Now we have the Jake and Vienna Couples Counseling Session! It’s so vile and awful that I’m not gonna say that much. Vienna, who is looking even more Fetal Alcohol Syndromey than ever, says Jake wasn’t there for her physically. Oh snap! He says she was cheating. That was Gay Todd over at my place, you jerk! Let’s get the polly-a-graph machine! In other news, Vienna is working on a line of hair care products for cancer kids. It’s called Invisible Shampoo and only angels can see it! Chris Harrison is speaking for all of us when he says, “OK, we don’t really care about the dog.” True, Chris Harrison, true.

Coming up next week: We continue limping towards the inevitably painful demise of this fucking train wreck.