The Bachelorette: The Plaintive Cry of Squirrel 34

It’s the Family Visit Episode! One of my faves every year, since it’s almost a mortal lock that at least one family will have a K-razy member who is guaranteed to shock and amuse! Awesome! We start out in Tampa, Roberto’s hometown. They go to his college and he puts on the Old Baseball Uni. Man, this is embarrassing. They throw the ball around and what have you. As it turns out, Roberto played some ball in Ali’s hometown! WHOA maybe they’re meant to be together! He’s gotta be the frontrunner now. If he could just learn to button a shirt all the way up, he’d be golden.

Time to meet the fam! They’re all named either Roberto or Olga, so that makes it easy. Holy shit, Mom Olga sounds like a mail-order Russian bride! No wonder Roberto described her as “submissive”! Olga’s all, “Please to be not sending me bek to ze mutherland, Meester Roberto!” Dad sits with Roberto alone and tells him, “You’re a big price.” No, that’s what Olga cost, Dad! Dad’s concerned about whether Ali will support Roberto. And cook borscht! Oh, wait, I was wrong, Mom’s not Russian. She looks about Roberto’s age, though. What strange sorcery is this? They put on some music and Mom & Dad so Salsa: The Dance of Dangerous Love. Then everybody joins in and pretends to have fun. The end.

Next we’re off to Cape Cod, where Dead Mother is on the beach with his black lab and his Thinsulate Men’s Warm-Up Jacket ($59.95) and anything else that might help this tableau resemble a shot from the LL Bean catalog. They stroll meaningfully down the beach and straight into outtakes from a Nicholas Sparks movie. Inside DM’s house, which has an odd salmon color to it, we have lots of conversations about Dead Mother’s dead mother. Dad says the family motto is “Love is the only reality.” Except for reality TV, I guess. Dad tells Ali he’s impressed she left her job to take care of her grandmother. I never heard about this! Does Ali ever actually show up to work, or just take an extended series of absences? “Whoops, sorry boss, gotta take another 6 months off to . . . umm, spay and neuter my pets!” Her boss at Facebook is all “Dislike!”

Dad says DM is ready to get married because he was “overwhelmed and crestfallen” when Mom died. That’s a good reason to get married! I should have gotten married when I was 11 and we lost the Little League championships! Then Dad asks DM what he would say to his Mom about Ali. He’d say he really likes her and also what does Jesus really look like? Then there’s some making out and a closeup of DM’s horrifying ringworm bruise, which isn’t getting any better.

NEXT!! Green Bay to visit Kirk. I shit you not, they got through this entire segment without mentioning the Packers. Maybe it’s Green Bay, Montana or something. Kirk’s parents apparently don’t speak to each other. I wish my parents got along that well! We meet Dad, Stepmom, Adopted Sister Nicka or Nika or Mika or something and HOLY SHIT DAD LOOKS LIKE A CHILD MOLESTER. He immediately wants to take Ali down to the basement to show her where it puts the lotion in the basket or something. Oh Christ, Dad stuffs animals for fun. He’s got a whole Gallery of Deadness down here. “I bring animals back to life,” he says. That must happen in a different room, because these ones are all dead as shit. We know Squirrel 34 isn’t getting any better!

Dad tells Kirk “Oh, I’d love to have her around all the time.” Maybe above the fireplace! Dad advises Kirk to ask himself “Are you compatible? Is she going to be doing things with you? Does she have a nice pelt?” Kirk has Dad’s approval. And Squirrel 34’s.

Off to Mom’s. She’s going to have to gas & flay children to out-creepy Dad. Oh, whoa, that extensive dental grillwork’s a good start! She looks like that guy from The Spy Who Loved Me! They reminisce about Kirk’s Mold Sickness. Oh, those were the days.

TIME FOR FRANK!!! OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!!!! Avoiding an aneurysm will be a major victory for Frank. What the fuck is he wearing, some kind of antique Turkish army uniform?


Frank is oddly subdued and Has Some Serious Questions About the Relationship. Fuck what a downer. He babbles along for a while and never really says anything. They go out to some rural area that is clearly not “Chicago,” contrary to the caption on the screen. Frank’s parents are oddly normal. What went wrong here? Frank’s Dad thinks Ali is great. How come none of the parents ever say “How the fuck could you consider marrying someone you’ve never seen without a camera crew behind you and never been alone with, not even once? Are you out of your motherfucking mind?” Frank lives with his parents, but disappointingly, we never get to see his room or his race car bed. VROOM VROOM!!!

Back to LA for the Rose Ceremony. First, let’s talk with Chris Harrison. WHOA, CHRIS, WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR BLINGED-OUT WATCH? Chris has like 150 carats on his wrist. What did you, appear in a 50 Cent video and keep the wardrobe? Anyway, Kirk gets the axe. No surprise there. You should have had Dad do his thing on her when you had the chance, Kirk! We’re down to 3 and Our Long National Nightmare is close to an end.