The Bachelorette: Stop it, you're spilling your crazy all over this brand new dress

You think you know what “excruciating” means? Oh, you’ve had a date quote lines from “Austin Powers” or maybe you’ve even seen a Matt LeBlanc film. But, let me assure you, nothing, and I mean nothing, is as excruciating as Kasey-with-a-K singing his frog-voiced a capella ballads of longing and weird to a visibly disturbed Ali.

Let me back up. We have moved the action to NYC for no particular reason and we see Ali getting made over by a man in a purple shirt. Unfortunately, he doesn’t cut out her increasingly ratty-looking extensions. Then we finally get a solo date with Kasey! His voice doesn’t sound as weird! Maybe they’re coaching him or something. Luckily, he gets so fucking weird that the voice is a distant memory. They take a helicopter ride over the city and Ali shouts “New York!” because she has a habit of always shouting out her geographical location. “Whooooo!! SAFEWAY!!!!!” ANYWAY. Then we have a picnic and that’s when he starts singing! Oh no! It’s terrible! Why would you do something like that? His little song goes like this:

I thought alone through life I’d walk
But you’re the one I want to stalk
I’ll be yours truly ‘til the end
I just need your SSN

Protip to my homies out there: Unless you’re Rhett Miller, don’t ever, ever start singing to a girl on a date. Remember when that girl in high school said you have a “great voice?” What she meant was you have a “car.”

Anyway, then we move on to the American Museum of Natural History and, defying all the odds, it gets EVEN WEIRDER. They traipse around and blah blah blah and then have some wine and he says she’s “everything that he’s ever wanted because she makes him happy.” You try saying that to someone you’ve met twice and see what happens. FREAKSHOW. I hope you guys had a drinking game involving the phrase “protect and guard her heart,” because then you might be as drunk as I have to get to watch this. Then he sings again! Oh Jesus. I bet back in Clovis there’s a whole battalion of girls he can’t get within 100 feet of by court order.

Now we have a group date. We’re going to see the Lion King! Fuck, please kill me. Oh wait, we’re auditioning for a part! The Weatherman is thrilled because he’s a Gay Man. He says he’s never sung show tunes before but I bet you a hundred dollars that doesn’t count singing the Original Cast Recording of “Les Miz” in his Kia with the windows rolled up. But Roberto gets the part because he looked at Ali while he sang. Remember that if you ever want to be in a mediocre Broadway show! Anyway, they’re in the show and it’s a good way to fill 20 minutes and who gives a fuck anyway.

It’s still going. She was supposed to have a solo date with Dead Mother but she got “sick” and can’t. She invites him to her suite, though! Maybe he’ll make her feel better. Didn’t work on his Mom! Oh no, too soon? After some chicken soup and thorazine, she feels better and they go to yet another rooftop and see some guy named Joshua Radin playing guitar who requires the services of a multiculti choir in robes to back him up. Whatever.

Meanwhile, the Frog Prince is SLOWLY GOING INSANE. Finally, something interesting on this fucking piece of shit show. He goes and gets a really ugly tattoo with a shield and some bullshit and it has to do with Protecting and Guarding Her Heart and I’m starting to think he stole his catchphrase from Brink’s Home Security or a heartworm medicine for dogs. Anyway, that’s weird! Then there’s some manufactured drama that’s not even worth getting into. There are mutual fund ads more interesting than this.

Time to give out the roses. WAIT, HOLD THE PHONE, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?


I thought you had to be on the show to get a rose. What did he, wander in from the “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” set next door? And Fivehead gets one too! Oh, she cut the Weatherman. No surprise there. He gives off the scent of “desperate” like the rest of them give off Axe body spray. Kasey never gets to show her his Brand New Tattoo! Awkward! She also cuts Peculiar, so everyone left now is a total dickbag. You get what you deserve in life.