The Bachelor finale: On the Wings of Retarded

Today, I've heard from 3 different and unconnected sources that Jake is probably gay. That explains why our final 2 choices are a manface and giggly faux-virgin.

ANYWAY, here we are FINALLY at the end of this Amazing Journey and we have Tenley and Vienna, which sound like colors of clothing in the Anthropologie catalog but which are actually people. We're all on Saint Lucia which looks like a cross between The Future and the island from Lost. Jake's family is here. They're about exciting as him and they cry a lot, except for Mom, who has some very particular questions about whether the girls get along with their other girl friends. This makes me think there may be an estranged Pavelka who didn't get invited to St. L.

(SIDE NOTE At first I thought all the peeps in the vacay cottage were Jakes' relatives and was marvelling at the depth and breadth of the Pavelka family, but my associate then informed me that 2 of the chicks were the brothers' wives. I liked the one with the rag mop haircut and faux-kindercore dress. I bet she likes the Decemberists a lot.)

So Tenley comes around first and everyone just fucking loves her. JUST FUCKING LOVES HER. Dad bursts into tears, of course, and Mom only has a slight facial tic when she mentions her previous marriage. Tenley is pretty much the perfect chick to bring home to Mom and Dad because she's unfailingly nice and pleasant and all that Xanax did the trick! She shows how goofy she can get by jumping in the pool with her clothes on. Oh, Tenley! First this, next crushing up Oxycontin and snorting it.

(The Wife, on the pool scene: "What a surprise, Captain Abs is naked again.")

Vienna shows up the next day and everyone hates her! Why would that be? Because Jake told them all she was a conniving bitch who wrote hate notes to all the girls in the house? Probably! Anyway, it's all very awkward at first. But then, through the magic of TV, things change and Vienna gets a chance to show her real side and the Sisters in Law are forced to tearfully admit that she's not so bad and she'd be a fine Pavelka which isn't even remotely true. She's very, very bad and will end up getting hammered at Thanksgiving and yelling "None of you ever cared about me!" and storming out. That's just a theory. I wouldn't know about anything like that.

Time for the big proposal. First there are lots of shots of Jake staring REAL HARD into middle distance and walking around with his tie untied. OK, here they come. Tenley gets there first and Jake goes blah blah blah I don't know Tenley. She cries a lot. They trundle her back to the ROFLcopter and she gets taken back to Pleasantville or wherever she's from. You know what? Tenley needs to date a Laker. Just do something to loosen up.

OK, here comes Stupid Fetal Alcohol Face. Jake's trying to propose but she won't fucking shut up!!! What the fuck is wrong with you? OK, there he goes. Yeah, of course she says yes. They're never going to get married.

Ali's the next Bachelorette. I will recap the shit out of that show, believe you me.