Here's your damn Bachelor recap

God, I hate myself for watching this show. Luckily, I hate Vienna more.


(Oh, P.S. The Wife DVR'd the visit-the-families episode and we watched that yesterday too. Tenley's family was funny because they basically just had one question: "You're not going to cheat on Tenley, are you?" And also because her Mom looks EXACTLY like Milhouse's Mom.




This week we're all on Saint Lucia which is a weird place where they spell out "Saint" instead of just saying "St." Everybody goes on a Dream Date with Jake. This involves a meal of some type, some booze, and the chick saying that She Is Falling in Love With You. Jake made a big deal about how Gia was the type who wore "$1,000 shoes" and she was so comfortable walking through the town! That means she didn't scream and spray mace everywhere when she saw a Brown. I bet that happens a lot. He bought her a necklace, but she was confused and put it on her wrist and then said she wouldn't take it off for the rest of her life. That'll be awkward at her wedding to some other dude. Still, she's hot. Then they went to the Fantasy Suite and banged.

Was Tenley the one he took to the Old Abandoned Sugar Mill in the jungle? I was expecting an episode of "Saw" to break out. That chick is barely holding it together. You can tell she's going to need like 400 mg of klonopin a day just to keep from shaking apart like an old truck. Then they went to the Fantasy Suite and didn't bang because she made a big deal about how her ex-husband was the only guy she'd ever been with.

Oh, and then Vienna and him went somewhere and did something. Was that the candlelit dinner on the beach? I was kind of buzzed by that point so I don't remember too good. Then they went to the Fantasy Suite and probably had anal sex because Vienna would have blown him on Day 1.

Then Ali called up from an apartment in One Rincon, from what I could tell, and said she wanted to come back on the show and he was all "No way," which is good, because she was starting to bug.

He cut Gia loose which is too bad because now he's got two functionally retarded chicks. Gia's no particle physicist herself, but I kind of liked her little Elmer Fudd accent and her whole steeze. Anyway, next week on the shocking finale, he'll decide that he doesn't want to wake up next to Vienna's stupid Fetal Alcohol Syndrome face forever and pick Tenley. The end.