40goingon28 watches "The Bachelor" so you don't have to

The Wife watches "The Bachelor." So does almost every other girl I know. Fuck book club; they should have Bachelor Club and just be done with it. I'm sorry if it's a stereotype but it's true.

Since we only have one TV, I'm watching The Bachelor too. It's painful. I'm not kidding. It's like watching extremely one extremely awkward date after another, punctuated by sorority meetings. Not sorority pillow fights. Sorority meetings about how mean and bitchy the sorority sisters who aren't there are. If you're a guy looking to get all your worst expectations about what women are like when you're not around met, this is your place.

The Bachelor guy himself, Jake, is the kind of bland, wholesome Everyguy that chicks say they love but who they cheat on within a few weeks because they're bored and he won't go down on them. He likes flying, taking dance lessons, woodworking and, I don't know, vacuuming. He is the human equivalent of Olive Garden. On his official bio it says his "parents have had a long and happy marriage" and no surprise there.

The chicks, on the other hand, range from seemingly almost normal to 30 kinds of fucked up.

This chick, Michelle, from Anaheim, was what we call in the business Extremely Fucked Up. She was on the show to get married and she made no bones about it and decided that she was marrying White Bread the first day. Then she made Stabby Eyes at every other girl and cried a lot. She was Asked to Leave. Her chances of ever getting a boyfriend now hover around nil unless she starts dating inmates.

This chick got kicked off because she fucked one of the crew, no joke. I thought guys were bad, but she couldn't keep it in her pants for even a week. Fuck, it's a reality show, not Spring Break. Even the chicks on "Temptation Island" weren't fucking the grips, and they were sent there to screw around.


Ali's my personal favorite. Fuck, I just noticed on her online bio that she lives in SF! Gotta be a Marina girl. Anyway, she seems relatively normal, which isn't tough when you're surrounded by the Crazy Variety Pak. SEE YOU AT EASTSIDE WEST SOON, ALI!!!

(Side note: Last night on the news they showed the Young Republicans of SF [yes, there is such a thing] celebrating Scott Brown's Senate win at Eastside West and all I want to say is that I doubt they have a lot of problems with simmering sexual tension over there at the Young Republicans.)

So yeah, where do I turn in my Man Membership Card? MONSTER TRUCKS!!! UFC!!!! CHEWING TOBACCO!!!! WES ANDERSON FILMS!!!! DIE HARD!!!! Are we cool now?