Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Todays' Worst Groupon of the Day

Lily European Pedi-Mani Salon – San Mateo
One or Three Adult Deluxe Mani-Pedi Packages or One Kids' Deluxe Mani-Pedi Package

Yes, that's right. A KIDS' DELUXE MANI-PEDI PACKAGE. At first, I was all like "Maybe they mean teenagers." But no, the Fine Print says "Must be 15 or under for children's option."

That's fucked.

I mean, it's bad enough these days with the overprotective helicopter parents and the kids being super-indulged and running around crazy in restaurants while the parents sigh and say "Isn't Colton adorable?" But this is fucked up. If you think your 8-year-old needs a mani-pedi, you are hereby sentenced to watch 10 episodes of "Toddlers and Tiaras" UNIRONICALLY. That means no laughing/no making fun of anyone on that show.

If your child needs nail work done, get some nail clippers from Walgreens and go to town. But if you strongly believe that your child would benefit from having its "feet soak in a bacteria-free crystal pedicure bowl filled with fragrant rose petals and orange slices" and then having someone "exfoliate feet and invigorate lower legs with a soothing massage before daubing epidermal canvases with a moisturizing mask and a coat of warm, skin-softening paraffin wax," you are part of the problem and not part of the solution. You probably don't vaccinate either and you're the reason we're all going to die of whooping cough and rubella. Thanks a lot.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Bachelor: You are fucking this up, dude

For whatever reason, ABC has decided to take this traveling shitshow to Switzerland, possibly because we have exhausted our island/tropical destinations or maybe just to infuse the EU with some American TV cash. In any case, Our Journey begins with Ben Flathair being shown to a First Class seat on Swissair, where he can gaze meaningfully out the window and burn 10 minutes recapping everything he did with the Final Three. Yawn. During this reverie, he refers to Courtney as a "little nerdy," which is patently ridiculous.

Switzerland is quaint as fuck and looks like a Thomas Kinkade painting without the gauze filter. Here comes the v. excitable Nicki! Know what would be fun? HELICOPTER RIDE. IT'S ALL HELICOPTER RIDES ON THIS SHOW. Ben has been on 2 seasons of this show and has spent more time in a helicopter than a News10 TrafficAlert reporter. Anyway, Switz does look beautiful and stunning and Nicki says "I felt like we were the only 2 people in Switzerland" and I guess this is some kind of Robot Copter. We will cap this off with some mountaintop picnicking and Nicki reminds us all about 100 times that she's in love with this schlub. Yawn.

Later, we're having an indoor log cabin fireplace dinner. Nicki wants to know how many kids he wants. He says that he's talked about it with his sister and they both want 4 kids. Well, who's going to have kids with Nicki then? Oh, not with each other. Never mind. Nicki is down with the Fantasy Suite. It's a chalet with a hot tub and champagne! Nicki luckily remembered her lime green bikini and now let's make out in the hot tub and slowly fade out and ewww I don't want to think about what happened next.

Next up: Lindzi. They're going rapelling into a 300 foot gorge! Thanks, ABC, for remembering who's afraid of heights. So they slowly inch their way down the cliff and B says "Oh my Dad" again and I really really wish he wouldn't say that.

For the Night Portion of our date, Ben shows up with a bow tie and wrinkled jacket and looks like a middle school English teacher. I guess he forgot to bring his Grown Up Clothes on this trip. Over dinner, they talk about how hard it was for Lindzi to open up and also apparently how hard it continues to be for her to run a comb through her fucking hair or put on some goddam makeup correctly. Lindz says she doesn't "normally" spend the night with someone right away, but fuck it, this is major network TV so let's bone down.

It's Courtney Time! They get on a little train and they're off to Wengen for a picnic or something. Courtney voiceovers that she feels bad about being mean to those other girls. She has a hard time because of her "trust issues." No mention of her Being a Total Fucking Bitch Issues. Anyway, blah blah blah lots of bullshit apologizing and do you think for a second she's going to turn down the Fantasy Suite? She's always about one Midori Sour away from fucking anyone in range who's on TV and he's on TV so you do the math. Cut to the outdoor hot tub and WHOA she's wearing the same bikini Nicki was and ABC could at least spring for two bikinis, especially with this crowd.

Apparently we didn't shoot enough footage for this episode because we have another time filler segment which is a "sneak peek" at Emily, our semi-brain-dead next Bachelorette. This package consists of video of Emily and former contestants Ali and Ashley going shopping, and the only thing more boring than going shopping is watching video of someone else shopping. Oh, now time for a Titanic 3-D movie tie-in! The chicks watch the movie and Ashley seems to think she can interact with it in some way.

Real brain trust we got here, let me tell you.

OK, in an effort to fill even more time, the producers have flown Kacie B in from Bibleville to hopefully stir up some shit. She wants to know why she got cut. Christ, lady, get a clue already. Your Dad basically said that only the Righteous and True would be allowed to compete for your sacred maidenhead. Talk about a buzzkill. Oh, check it out, girlfriend's been eating her feelings ever since. I guess we've conquered bulimia once and for all. Anyway, Kacie also darkly warns B about Courtney but I think we know how much good that's gonna do.

OK, let's just get to the Rose Giveaway. After lots of dramatic pausing, Lindzi gets one and duh of course Courtney. Poor Nicki and her Greek tunic that make her look like a member of the chorus in "Antigone." Into the Crying Limo with you.

Next week we have that bullshit reunion show. I guess I have to watch that too, fuck.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Show Report: Noise Pop, last night

Countering my show-going slackness of the past few years, I'm actually going to 2 Noise Pop shows this year. (In case you're not from around these parts, as I explained in 2010: "Noise Pop is an annual music festival that takes place at different clubs (mostly) all over San Francisco.") Last night we went to see the Soft Pack, Shannon and the Clams, Fidlar and Surf Club at Cafe du Nord, one of the best venues in San Francisco because (1) it's centrally located (2) the sound is usually pretty good and (3) it's not a dump.

(Upstairs from du Nord is a place called the Swedish-American Hall where We Built This City was watching Mac McCaughan of Superchunk directly over our heads.)

Here are some notes:

- Trumer was on sale for $3.50 each. That's a good fucking deal, even if you don't like Trumer all that much.

- Surf Club were young and fun. I liked the songs, but you couldn't hear the vocals AT ALL. Major pet peeve of mine.

- Shannon and the Clams were doing kind of a 50's thing and honestly it's not really my thing.

- The headliner was the Soft Pack. I had heard some of their stuff and liked it but this was one of those times when seeing the band made me like them less. Weird! I don't know, it just didn't sound like the songs were that well-thought-out. They all just kind of sounded the same to me. (Except for one song that sounded EXACTLY like Superchunk, speaking of Superchunk. I liked that one a lot.)

- OK, let's get to the good part. FIDLAR is the good part. First off, here's their deeply weird video for "Wake Bake Skate" (no, it's not Shakespeare, it's surf punk).

Hmmmm, for some reason it doesn't seem as great today as it did last night. Maybe you need to be about 6 beers in to really appreciate it. Whatever, it was fun.

ANYWAY, good times. Try and make it to a show if you can.

(Noise Pop has been around since 1993, but I think my first NP show was Beulah and Mates of State at Bottom of the Hill in 2001. I think.)

In other news, this is a tree in my backyard. Can anyone tell me what kind of tree it is? This isn't a quiz and there are no prizes. I just want to know what kind of tree it is.

Thanks in advance, Amateur Arborists of America!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Bachelor: Welcome to Casa de las Creepout

It was Leo Tolstoy who once said "Man, these people are fucked up." Oh no, wait, he said "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." And with that, we are off on hometown visits to examine what kind of family would produce a person who would debase herself on national TV for a shot at marrying a flat-haired doofus or, in the case of Courtney, to further one's path towards softcore porn on Cinemax.

We begin in Ocala, Florida, from whence Lindzi emerged (although it appears from the subtitles under her face that she now lives in the considerably less climate-friendly Seattle). As Ben strolls down a country path, she appears riding some kind of genetically modified mini-horse. Seriously, you could mount this thing by spreading your legs apart and walking over it. Anyway, they chain this hapless beast to a cart and ride off to meet the parents. Dad is one of those hyper-competitive Extra Dads who make everything a contest and is all OK GAME TIME and then it all ends in tears and recriminations. Maybe that was just my house. Anyway, Dad suggests a little game of mini-horse cart racing except has has a full-sized horse and Dad and Mom win and that means the losers have to strap into the cart and pull the winners back to the house and it is a disturbing scene that is just a couple of horse suits away from some serious furry action.

Dad later sits down with Ben and explains that "We kept her away from boys," like no shit, you don't say, looks like you also kept her away from makeup and hairstyling too. The Lindzi picture is swimming into focus now. And in conclusion, we will have a toast with some kind of fucking Mason jars made into wineglasses? What hillbilly sommelier sorcery is this?

Next up, Kacie in Clarksville, TN. After an excruciating bit with a marching band and more baton twirling, KC and B sit down on the HS football bleachers and talk about how her grandparents died. Uplifting! KC says her Dad doesn't drink and B's all freaked out b/c his "business is booze" and KC does a lot of fake high-pitched laughing. Over at the fam house, Mom and Dad have some concerns about KC living in sin prior to marriage and also about women voting and the repeal of Prohibition and how come there's no mandatory prayer in post offices? What I want to know is, what was the picture behind the couch that ABC made them cover? I bet it was come Civil War shit. I bet you.

OK, let's make a brief stop in Fort Worth to meet Nicki's parents before we get to the main event. B blathers on and on about how much he likes Texas. They stop at the Cowboy Store and get all rodeoed up with hats and boots and belt buckles and all kinds of other Yosemite Sam shit and then it's off to Standard Suburbia to meet Mom and Dad. Dad looks like a football coach but he's actually a pretty nice and cool guy and tells Nicki he's sorry he let her marry that first jerk. Oh look, they're having nonalcoholic dinner too, but nobody's making a big deal about it like they did at the Holiers. Nicki tells B she's falling in love with him yeah yeah whatever let's get to Courtney already.

Courtney's from Scottsdale! That makes perfect sense. They head straight to the fam house. Courtney says "This is Casa de Ninas, my Dad calls it, the House of Little Girls." Oh, that's not creepy at all, Dad. Just go the whole 9 and call it Casa de FBI Kiddie Porn Search Warrant, why don't you. Dad, RICK ROBERTS, is a piece of work. He's basically a motivational speaker in a sweater vest. Everyone repairs to Patio de la Capilla, according to the sign above the table, which means Deck of the Creepers.

Later, Dad has a sit-down with Ben. He reaches out and says "ARE YOU READY TO BE YOUR FUTURE??!! YOU CAN LIVE! YOUR! DREAM!!!" Not really. He says something about marriage being a gamble or something. Oh look, Courtney got cokemouth from Mom! Cokemouth must be genetic. Courtney and Ben head off to the park for a super bizarro fake wedding with a minister/actor and they write vows and everything and the whole thing is deeply weird.

OK, back in LA. ABC needs to fill 10 minutes so we get a boring recap of all the visits. Now it's time to cut someone. Not much mystery here. No Sex Before Marriage Kacie gets the boot.She gets a little spicy in the Crying Limo! She's all "What the [BEEP] happened? What the [BEEP] happened?" Your family is what happened, silly!

(In the Credit Sequence outtakes, we are treated to a scene of Courtney telling her family about skinny dipping with Ben - EWWWW - followed by her informing us that Dad likes a bit of the skinny dipping in the family pool himself and I don't want to know anything more about what goes on at the House of Little Girls.)

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Three Unrelated Observations

1. Remember when Gmail first started and one of their selling points was that you got unlimited storage, so you wouldn't ever have to delete any emails? Well, how come at the bottom of my Gmail screen it says "12% full" and"Using 986 MB of your 7681 MB"? DOESN'T SOUND LIKE UNLIMITED STORAGE TO ME GOOGLE. Now, admittedly, 7681 MB is kind of a lot and there's no real reason to save most of my emails but still.

2. We're in the process of moving and we took a bunch of stuff from our old place and put it in a box on the sidewalk in front of our house with a "FREE" sign on it and let me tell you, we inadvertently designed a FASCINATING PSYCHOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT and, as The Wife said, you could just sit there all day and watch who browses and takes what out of the Free Box and it is endless and free entertainment.

One of the oddest things we had, I guess, was a Hello Kitty mini water dispenser that The Wife bought once and we filled it with red wine and put it out at a party. So that went into the free box and some guy in a Lexus SUV scooped up the dispenser part and not the water bottle part! WHAT THE FUCK! It doesn't do anything without the water bottle part! Also, CREEPY.

3. Goddam Girl Scout rolling her little wagon full of GS Cookies down the sidewalk right in front of my house, like some kind of Mobile Fattening Station. I've been holding out but FUCK I'M NOT MADE OF WOOD I GIVE I GIVE. These lemon shortbread things are new and also fucking delicious.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Bachelor: Somebody is, duh, Not Here for the Right Reasons

Before we get started, let's all just take a moment and enjoy this little morsel of delight, courtesy of Reality Blurred:

I wish you could legally marry a video. Maybe soon! Take that, Rick Santorum!

OK, on to the festivities. We're in Belize! Belize seems like a vaguely watered-down Jamaica or maybe like Mexico with more snakes and less heads in bags. Ben begins with a Solo Date with Lindzi the Makeupless Wonder, which reduces Nicki to tears. Oh wait! She's putting on makeup! She must have read an article in Mademoiselle or something.

We kick off with the Obligatory Helicopter Ride, which terminates at some kind of ocean feature called the Blue Hole and Lindzi will conquer her fear of heights by jumping 3 feet from the helicopter into the ocean. Cut to Outdoor Dinner on a pier. They're all blah blah blah and Ben is "falling for you" like that means anything. They decide to put a note in a bottle and Ben writes a creepy little fairy tale thing and they put it in a bottle and toss it into the 16 inches of water by the pier where it floats listlessly and will later be fished out of the lagoon by Ricardo who will go "Fucking Americans throwing their fucking trash in the water." Lindzi says "Ben's my Prince Charming" and my wife says "Get your hair out of your face, bitch," and that's about it.

Solo date with Emily. As long as we're going to let anyone marry anyone, we want Emily to be our Sister Wife. Maybe that's just my idea but I'll talk everyone into it. Anyway, she and Ben bike around this Belizean town and have some Totally Authentic Encounters with the locals and then head out lobster diving totally on a whim and there's no possible way this lobster diving was conceived of in an ABC conference room 3 months ago and the boat owner had to sign a contract and get the proper insurance and the cameras had to be rigged and everything, nope, totally spontaneous. As it turns out, lobsters do not particularly want to be caught and Mike the Lobster is just meandering along the seafloor doing lobster shit until YOINK he is snatched from his reverie and held aloft by some dork with bad hair and makes his Lobster TV Debut.

On to the OD. That's what I call Outdoor Dinners because I heard all the kids are into using acronyms. Also, D.R.E.A.M. (dipshits rule everything around me). Anyway, they're having lobster, natch, and Emily says "Today was Superfund," and I'm like what, it was a toxic waste site?, and I realize she said "super fun." Anyway, kissing, "best date of my life," whatever.

Solo date with Courtney the Lizard Queen who is so fucking weird and objectionable and still is doing the baby talk and has the flat affect of a heavily sedated schizophrenic. They are off to some Mayan ruins and here is your Mayan Apocalypse, if you need one: Two idiots scaling a Mayan temple to compare notes on their fake TV relationship. C. bitches bitch bitches about EVERYTHING and B somehow finds this bullshit entrancing and says he needs someone "a little bit weird." WELL, THERE YOU GO. THIS SHOW IS NOW EXPLAINED. How about "a lot weird," or "bizarrely weird," Ben? Does that work? Because you've got one right here. Later they're at the top and instead of cutting her head off and rolling it down the steps like he should do, B. sighs and says - NOT MAKING THIS UP - "Oh my Dad" instead of "Oh my God" and I guess Ben's Dead Dad is our new God. He explains he says this sometimes when he feels close to Dad like he does now sitting on top of a Mayan pyramid with a mentally ill fish-eyed baby-talking model. At the OD that follows, she reveals that she wants him to meet her parents. Me fucking too. I want to see what spawned this hellish creation.

On to the Group Date. B rounds up some chicks and they're off to go Shark Diving! It sounds scary but these sharks frankly look a little sedated and like they could care less about all the stick figures floating in the water 7 feet above their heads. Hey, new Belize ad slogan: BELIZE, WHERE EVEN OUR SHARKS ARE DRUNK! You can totally use that if you want, Belize. There's a rose at the end of this lame-ass shark encounter, which Kacie gets for "wearing her heart on her sleeve," sure, and I can't wait for her Epic Meltdown when she finally gets the boot. Later, the chicks are all busting on Courtney and telling B that she is Not Here for the Right Reasons! You go, girls! Unfortunately, Courtney has done some kind of bruja shit and cast a Lizard Spell on this hapless retard and he will not listen to the truth.

Nighttime and the chicks are assembled on some tiki torch patio for the Cocktail Party but Chris Harrison appears and delivers the Shocking News that there will be no Cocktail Party tonight and we are proceeding straight to the Rose Ceremony. We're gonna cut 2 chicks tonight! We're all set to go when B pulls Courtney aside and she is doing her crazy fucking cokemouth and he wants to make sure she is Here for the Right Reasons and his investigation consists of him asking her if she is and she says "Yes" and that's about it.

Anyway, Scratchy-voiced Rachel and Emily get cut. You're better off, Emily. As for you, Flajnik, you get what you deserve. I hope you end up with Courtney and that bitch will haunt you the rest of your days.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Hahahaha oh shit

This story is fucking hilarious:

NRA official: Obama wants to outlaw guns in 2nd term

A top official with the National Rifle Association said Friday that President Obama will move to "destroy" gun rights and "erase" the Second Amendment if he is re-elected in November.

While delivering one of the liveliest and best-received speeches at the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre said the president's low-key approach to gun rights during his first term was "a "conspiracy to ensure re-election by lulling gun owners to sleep."

"All that first term, lip service to gun owners is just part of a massive Obama conspiracy to deceive voters and hide his true intentions to destroy the Second Amendment during his second term," he said.

"We see the president's strategy crystal clear: Get re-elected and, with no more elections to worry about, get busy dismantling and destroying our firearms' freedom, erase the Second Amendment from the Bill of Rights and excise it from the U.S. Constitution."
Holy shit, DON'T YOU SEE IT? The fact that Obama has done nothing at all to restrict gun rights is a dangerous sign that he certainly will do so in the future!!!!

I note that Wayne LaPierre hasn't yet begun his second career as a ballet dancer in New York City. The fact that he hasn't IS A NEAR GUARANTEE THAT YOU WILL SEE WAYNE LAPIERRE IN A PRODUCTION OF SWAN LAKE BY NEXT SUMMER.

I'm also curious about this power the President has to erase constitutional amendments at will. Seems like someone would have taken advantage of that power by now.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

New Bar Night: Mission Edition

A couple of days ago, my friend Stephen made a good point. "All these bars keep opening," he said, "but the existing ones never get any less crowded." Then he said "Do you think people from the Philippines get confused about Tagalong Girl Scout cookies and think they're really Tagalog cookies?" He didn't really say the second part. I'm taking some artistic license there. But he did say the first part, or words to that effect. If all these places keep opening (specifically in the Mission) where are all the people coming from who keep filling them? Why aren't the existing bars any less crowded?

SPEAKING OF MORE BARS, there are some new-ish bars in the Mission District of San Francisco, so I assembled my crack New Bar Night Team - ok, I assembled Olu - and we went out to evaluate.

The first place we went was Mosto, the little bar that's attached to Tacolicious, the famed Marina quasi-Mexi-food purveyor that recently opened an outpost on Valencia, to the consternation and wailing of the Missionites, who saw it as an invasion of their turf by the Marinaites and whatnot. Anyway, FEAR NOT, MISSIONITES. It's not that bad. I mean, it's not dirtbaggy like Pop's, everyone looks like they've taken a shower in the last few days/isn't strung out/is wearing clothing that doesn't look like it came out of a dumpster, but it's not like Fraternity Night at Blue Light either. It's basically a long narrow dark room with good cocktails and some interesting bar snacks. I had this thing with tequila and lime and ginger beer and something that made it red and I don't even like tequila and it was really good. Probably wouldn't make a special trip here, and it really does seem more like a waiting room for Tacolicious next door than anything else, but if I were walking by and it wasn't crowded I might come back.

We then embarked to Southern Pacific Brewing, the vast new brewpub/restaurant that opened recently on Treat near 19th. It's kind of tricky to find but if you keep going south on 19th past Homestead and then turn on Treat you'll find it. We followed a drunk girl who was yelling to her male companions "I WILL NEVER GO DOWN ON A CHICK" just as we arrived at the place, so I hope they weren't holding out for some of that. Anyway. SPB is in a HUGE steel former warehouse or factory or airplane hangar or something and it's all very new and clean and looks like the kind of place you'd see on a Travel Channel special about Hot New Places to Go in San Francisco. There are a bunch of communal tables inside and a medium-ish patio outside that will be fucking MOBBED on nice afternoons, let me guarantee you. Pretty clean-cut crowd. Olu met an actual Marina Girl when he was outside smoking, so there's that. I liked it. We tried pretty much all the beers, and the Pale Ale was my fave. It's THREE BUCKS. Three dollars for the pale ale! Can you imagine?

Photo by Clara S. from Yelp. Hope you don't mind, Clara S.

Onward. Our third and final stop was Dear Mom, on 16th and Harrison. We walked in and immediately we were like WHOA THE INTERNET IS HERE. Not surprising, I guess, since this place has gotten lots of blog love. That's the most links I've ever shoved into two sentences. Anyway, yeah, I can see it. Plenty of room. Convivial surroundings. Not too long to wait for drinks. Definitely the youngest bar of the night. In fact, as Olu pointed out, you could do the entire Cycle of Life in these three places - Dear Mom to Southern Pacific to Mosto.

Thus concludes New Bar Night.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Bachelor: Let's Get Weird(er)

Panama! We're in Panama City for some reason. Probably because Haiti was too expensive. Oh look, Trump has some kind of resort thing, if resorting in Panama City sounds like fun to you. BUT BE WARNED: "NYGypset" says it has "Strange stale smell in the lobby areas, your guest room, bed linens." Maybe that's just Courtney!

We begin with a solo date with Kacie B. Another helicopter ride. I'm not kidding guys, helicopter rides are to the Bachelor franchise what straight lines are to Mondrian. Did you get that? I'm trying to class this joint up a little. Oh, just forget it. Anyway, they get dropped off on SAN BLAS with just their wits and a machete and a camera crew to sustain them for the next 15 minutes. San Blasé, more like. BAM!!! Kacie is told to bring 3 things and doesn't bring any food. WE'LL KNOW WHY SHORTLY. FORESHADOWING. She opines that "a lot of times, couples don't survive when they're just the two of them alone." I have no idea what that means. They head out into the water to try and catch a fish and Ben thinks that "if we can accomplish something like this together, we can probably do anything." Oh Jesus Christ. You're fake-fishing on TV, you're not the mushroom hunters who almost ate their dog. Try accomplishing something a little more challenging like parking in North Beach on a Saturday night or watching an explosive new episode of "Castle."

Outdoor Dinner, of course. ABC hates to see people eating indoors. Kacie says "a lot of things that have made me who I am are tough to talk about." OK HERE WE GO!!! Please please please drug problem drug problem drug problem no whammies drug problem OH FUCK EATING DISORDER. That's just fucking great. Chick was bulimic for a year. I've had drinking binges longer than that. FUCKING YAWN. Anyway, I guess it explains why she never touches her food.

She gets the Calorie Counter Rose and I'm guessing she's going to be in the Final Four. Just a hunch.

Group date. Let me preface this by saying this was one of the most painful Ugly American things I have ever seen on the Bach, and that includes painting that fucking orphanage in Africa. So we're tooling down a jungle river and we come upon some kids playing soccer who lead us to their Village of Savages where Courtney gets mostly naked and dances around with a black bar over her chest and everyone else gives her dirty looks. I really fucking hate Courtney, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, the less said about this little exercise in cross-cultural pollination the better.

Nighttime brings drinks by the pool, like it always does. Lindzi's looking horsey as ever. Jamie finally gets some screen time and she's blah blah blahing away as Courtney disrobes in the background. I swear to God, that bitch cannot keep her fucking clothes on. Anyway, Lindzi gets the rose and Courtney is SO MAD she sucks her lizard lips up into her rocky skull.

Deathmatch Date with Rachel and Blake!!! They're off the learn SALSA, Dance of Love. Our instructor reminds us that "da most impohrta think ees that eet ees SEXAH!!!!!" Rachel thinks there's "chemico" between them. Argh! Somebody get the face wash then! Jesus Christ, get it off me! Blake dry humps Ben and the whole thing is quite off-putting. Later, after a Mildly to Very Awkward Dinner, Blake has something to show him. DON'T DO IT GIRL. Any time somebody has something to show someone on this show, it turns out badly! KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Oh no. Here it comes. It's a little Stalker Scrapbook of collages cut out of magazines all about her love for him! F U C K I N G. W E I R D.

In a related story, Rachel gets the You're Not That Weird Rose and Blake is escorted to the Crying Minivan. That creepy notebook did it, Blakely. Try not to be so weird next time.

Now we have some time to fill so Chris Harrison generates a little drama. It has Come To Our Attention that Casey S. is still in love with her ex Michael! Well, maybe she's not, but CH puts the Hypnotic Voice on her and says "You're still in love with Michael, aren't you?" and Casey S. looks blank and nods and says "YES I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM CHRIS" and Ben and his awful, awful hair think she should leave. She just wants someone to marry her. Poor thing. As she rides off in the Commitment Minivan, she wails "Now I have to find someone else!" Love is mysterious and strange, is it not?

Time for the Cocktail Party. Jamie has apparently decided that she hasn't debased herself nearly enough and so she cranks her desperation up to about 11 and tells Flajnik "When I go to bed at night, I definitely think about the things I'd like to do with you." Hopefully one of them is cutting his fucking ridiculous hair. She then awkwardly mounts him for some kind of lap dance/animal mating thing. It's like she's heard someone describe sex but has never actually seen it done. She's issuing all kinds of instructions about who should keep their mouth open or shut and let's do this and the whole thing is some kind of bizarre spectacle and I don't even know what the fuck is going on here.

Do you really need to know who gets cut? I mean, duh, Jamie. I guess her strategy was to lay low for the first few weeks and then BAM explode in a Fireball of Humiliation. Well, that didn't work. Nothing that a few years of therapy can't fix. That's what I always say.

Monday, February 6, 2012

The 2012 Giants: I Know How Hard This Has Been For You

Voila, the San Francisco Giants 2012 motto:

I guess it's better than "All Out, All Season," 2008's execrable slogan, but not my much. It has that sort of plaintive quality. Like:

The 2012 Giants: Please, Let's Don't Fight Anymore

The 2012 Giants: I Didn't Mean It Like That, Baby

The 2012 Giants: Don't Say That. You Don't Mean That.

The 2012 Giants: That's Fine. We'll Be Fine Without You. You'll See.

(Anyway, just got my tickets for Magnet Schedule Night, Monday, April 16, against the Phils. Baseball will be upon us soon. THANK GOD.)

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Cold Ketchup - Warm Butter - Warm Bread

I can still remember the first time I encountered a Cold Ketchup Family. I was at my friend Rob's house in like 5th grade and was staying for dinner and OUT COMES THE KETCHUP OUT OF THE FRIDGE. Now, I grew up in a Warm Ketchup Family (kept in the cabinet, next to the salt & pepp), so this was quite a surprise. I was all "WHAT THE FUCK" or whatever the 5th-grade equivalent of what the fuck is. Anyway, it was a world-rocker for sure.

You see, I grew up in a Warm Ketchup - Warm Butter - Warm Bread family and I didn't know any other way. As my life progressed, I would learn that not everyone stored their ketchup, butter, and bread at room temperature. You had your Cold Ketchup - Cold Butter - Warm Bread families and even your Cold Ketchup - Cold Butter - Cold Bread families. Yes, there are families who keep their bread in the fridge. I know, right? I was just as shocked as you.

Fast Forward to today. We're now a Cold Ketchup - Warm Butter - Warm Bread family. But what does your ketchup-butter-bread situation say about you?

Warm Ketchup - Warm Butter - Warm Bread: Possible Mom with mental issues.

Cold Ketchup - Warm Butter - Warm Bread: Totally normal.

Cold Ketchup - Cold Butter - Warm Bread: Fearful; anxious. Possible drug problem.

Warm Ketchup - Warm Butter - Cold Bread: Wary of strangers. Cheap.

Cold Ketchup - Cold Butter - Cold Bread: Distant and aloof; potential cockroach problem in house

I heard that in France they store cheese at room temperature. Let's don't even get started on that.