I AM ON A ROLL BEATING PARKING TICKETS. Well, sort of. I've beat 2 in the last like 8 years, but I've only gotten like 4 in that time period so I'm beating like half of them.
I probably shouldn't say anything, because now the SFMTA is going to be looking for me and I'm sure they have some NSA-level surveillance shit that can identify my car just from this blog. The SFMTA is very powerful. But anyway, I want to share my good fortune with you and also tell you how to beat parking tickets. Sometimes.
OK, our story begins at the Alemany Flea Market. Wife and I go there a few months ago to buy some used crap or whatever. Here's a picture of it from Google Street View in its empty state. See that red MS Paint arrow? Of course you do. That's where we parked, along that curb. Not by the fire hydrant.
OK, so look at that. Is there ANYTHING about that curb that suggests you can't park there? (BTW, there were also other cars parked there along that curb when we got there.) I mean, there's maybe a hint of some red paint that might have been there, but it's long fucking gone now. And no vertical "NO PARKING" signs or anything. So we park and go buy some stuff and come back and there's a ticket on my car and every other car parked along that curb.
WELL FUCK THAT.
So I write a protest letter and basically say "Hey, no red paint, no signs, how the fuck am I supposed to know you can't park there?" Time passes. Then earlier this week:
"We have reviewed your claim and found it to be valid. Therefore, the citation has been dismissed." BOOM.
The last one I got dismissed was I think in 2004 and it was one of those cop-handwritten tickets, not a SFMTA printed-out ticket, I think for not having my wheels curbed or some shit like that. The cop didn't write the code section on it and I pointed that out and it turns out that's a must-have for parking tickets and so that one got thrown out too.
So here's my PARKING TICKET ADVICE:
1. Protest every ticket. If you can't think of a reason, make something up. Protesting buys you at least 4-6 months while it sits on someone's desk that you don't have to pay it. That way, paying it becomes Future You's problem. Fuck Future You, that guy's a dick. Present You can take that $90 and spend it on something worthwhile.
2. Think like an asshole. Look at the ticket and think "Are there any little stupid problems that only a jerk would notice? Like did they get my license plate number wrong? Is the code section wrong? (BTW, you can get to the San Francisco Transportation Code from here. It's got all the rules for parking and the section numbers and shit.)
3. Look at the fucking signs before you park. Duh.
I should also note that I am not 100% with my protests. I was parked in SOMA at one of those "1 Hour Parking without permit" zones and I moved my car down the street after an hour but it turns out I didn't move it far enough. Anyway, still didn't have to pay until like 6 months later.
Let's be careful out there. Have a good weekend!
UPDATE/LATER ADDENDUM: OK, this is like the 4th post in a row with no comments. WTF? Did you guys all get together and decide not to comment any more? Very funny. Ha ha. We all get it.