Friday, October 28, 2011

What every mayor of a city with an Occupy encampment wishes they could say when addressing the crowd

Attention hippies:

Having fun? Back in my day, when we would pitch tents and smoke grass and wallow in our own feces, we called it "camping," not "protesting," but to each his own, I guess. Look, I get what you're trying to do here. I've often said publicly that I respect everyone's First Amendment rights, but that's total BS and we all know it. Besides, you're having a fucking ongoing sleepover in one of my parks and that has about as much to do with free speech as David Hasselhoff has to do with acting. But I'm down with economic reform as long as it doesn't reform me out of my chance to run for Senator and get the fuck out of this shithole and make some real Monsanto lobbyist money in DC.

If I had my way, I'd send in the fucking cops to bust your heads up and send you back to that Maoist paradise you call a university, but that would look shitty on TV and God forbid we fuck up another Iraq vet. My heart goes out to you, Jean Quan. Christ, what a fucking mess you've got there.

Anyway, I'm more or less sure that you're going to eventually get bored of this shit and want to get back to your gravity bong and Adult Swim, so I'm pretty much going to wait this out. It's going to start getting into the 30's at night soon and let's be straight with each other, you're not exactly the Greatest Generation. Intolerable hardship for you guys is when your iPhone drops a signal. Not really hunkering down in a snow cave in the Black Forest and praying you don't get your eye shot out by a Nazi sniper, is it?

So have your fun and take lots of pictures - like I have to tell you guys that! - to post on your Twitters and blogs and Facebook and whatever. As long as you don't start looting Foot Lockers and don't hassle tourists we can stay out of each other's way until you get bored and go home. So I'll be thinking about you slurping up bowls of that fucking vegan stew or whatever Earth Mother over there is cooking up while I'm enjoying an ice-cold martini and getting blown by the Deputy Chief of Staff tonight.

Suck it, motherfuckers!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Today's Worst Groupon of the Day

You knew this was eventually coming:

$97 for Intimate or Glamour Photo-Shoot Package with Print and Photo CD ($350 Value)

Glamour photography! Nothing says 1986 mall shop more than glamour photography. You know what the problem with glamour photography is? It works backwards. It's the only form of photography that can make otherwise totally attractive people look terrible.

See, they say you'll look like this:

But you're actually going to look like this:

Oh, wait, no you're not! What the fuck do you mean, "Women only"? THAT'S FUCKING SEXIST. THANKS A LOT, GROUPON. NOW MY DREAM OF BEING GLAMOUR PHOTOGRAPHED HAS DIED.

Is Groupon still a viable concern? I heard they fucked up their IPO real bad. The very last Groupon will be for Groupon itself and there will only be one for sale. WHOA DUDE THAT IS SO FUCKING META.

In conclusion, glamour photography is funny.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Herman Cain campaign is turning into performance art, and we should love that

For a while there, I wasn't sure what Herman Cain was up to. I mean, he wasn't REALLY trying to win the Republican nomination for president, right? Oh, wait, maybe he is! He's actually leading! Then last week he fucked up and said what he really thought about abortion:

Appearing on CNN’s Piers Morgan show Wednesday night, Cain said that while he personally believes that life begins at conception, and is against abortion in all circumstances, “it ultimately gets down to a choice that that family or that mother has to make,” in cases of rape or incest.

“It gets down to that family. And whatever they decide, they decide. I shouldn’t try to tell them what decision to make for such a sensitive decision,” Cain said.

Morgan then pressed Cain on the issue, asking if as president, his views would be a “directive.”

"I can have an opinion on an issue without it being a directive on the nation,” he said. “The government shouldn’t be trying to tell people everything to do, especially when it comes to a social decision that they need to make.”

Uh-oh. Cain essentially said it's up to the family to make private health-care and reproductive decisions for themselves. This is, of course , anathema to Big-Government Conservatives who want to control what people do with their bodies. So now Cain is backtracking and saying abortion should always be illegal in all circumstances.

But whatever, that's not why I'm here. I'm here because the Cain campaign just released some kind of video that is so deeply bizarre that now I think the whole campaign is performance art. Check this shit out:

I love it! The shaky camera! The clearly uncomfortable, sallow-faced chief of staff! THE BIG DRAG ON THE CIGARETTE AT THE END. This video is such a clear FUCK YOU to the entire political establishment that it is obviously not meant to be taken seriously.

Starting to love this guy. WHAT WILL HE DO NEXT!

Friday, October 21, 2011

A San Francisco liberal visits the Pima Air & Space Museum

Is it possible to be a liberal pacifist and still think planes - even warplanes that rain death and destruction on unsuspecting innocents - are cool? Yes. Yes it is.

When we were visiting my Mom in Arizona, I prevailed upon her to go to the Pima Air & Space Museum in Tucson. It was unbelievably cool if you like planes, like I do.

My Dad was a pilot, so I come by it naturally. I grew up in the copilot seat as he flew us around. When I was born, he was making mad cash flying DC-3s between Bangkok and Saigon for Continental Airlines. Before that, he flew for the Army. Yes, the Army had planes too. This is the kind of plane he flew.

Moms didn't care for the museum much. She got focused on the death & destruction aspect and finally took a seat by the B-24 Liberator and let us wander around. We went to the next hangar and checked out the B-29 Superfortress, the bomber that dropped the atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Not these actual planes, but the same model.

Outside, they have acres and acres of decommissioned military aircraft. It was actually pretty incredible. Even The Wife loved it. Not so much Mom.

I guess all of us in San Francisco have the same internal debate every year when the Blue Angels appear during Fleet Week and fly over SF, terrifying our pets and simultaneously annoying and impressing us. On the one hand, yes, it's an obscene display of militarism and our horrifying involvement in misguided foreign wars. On the other hand, it's pretty FUCKING AMAZING. As the son of a military pilot, who grew up loving aviation, and then grew into a single-payer-healthcare-wanting, bring-on-the-new-New-Deal bleeding heart liberal, I'm used to seeing it and LOVING it and feeling like "Ugh, this is wrong." It's possible to have both ideas in one's mind simultaneously.

Hard to argue with the World War II planes, right? I mean, we can't argue that stopping Hitler was a good thing, right? Plus, the F-4 Corsair is maybe my favorite plane ever. I love its clean lines. Fuck, I sound like I'm reviewing it for Dwell magazine or something.

Anyway, pretty cool. Have a good weekend.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Deadpool UPDATE!

Looks like Gaddafi's dead! Wanna see a gross picture? Guess I got my Halloween costume!

Anyway, seems like a good time to update the Deadpool. Cast your thoughts back to January 7, 2011, when I first posted this year's Deadpool. Let's see how our contestants are doing.

TK had Zsa Zsa Gabor, Elizabeth Taylor, Tony Bennett, Willie Mays, and Jerry Stiller. I haven't checked on Zsa Zsa lately. Still alive? I think she's still alive. So all I got is Liz. I feel bad for picking Willie Mays, but this is strictly business, nothing personal, Say Hey. 21 points.

(To recap, to determine your points, subtract the person's age at death from 100. That way, you get fewer points for picking the Extremely Old/Close to Death. If you pick over 100, you lose points. That's on you. Blame the playa, not the game.)

The Wife had Roger Ebert, Hal Holbrook, Queen Elizabeth, Tara Reid, and Liza Minelli. I just checked and Hal's still alive, so no luck here. 86 years old and still doing the Mark Twain schtick! We should all be so lucky! 0 points.

The guest anonymously known as Sigmund had Michael Douglas, Dick Clark, Betty White, Margaret Thatcher, and Tracy Morgan. Unless you can die of getting laid too much, Michael Douglas is gonna be fine! HAR HAR HAR. 0 points.

The Sister had Lindsay Lohan, John Cougar Mellencamp, and Fidel Castro. She tried to sneak in later and add Aretha Franklin. I DON'T THINK SO BITCH. Anyway, lotta good it did her. She's still got an outside shot with Castro, I guess. 0 points.

Stoney selected Bret Michaels, Natalie Portman, Jimmy Carter, and David Crosby. I kind of like each one of these picks for different reasons, but I hate to inform Stoney that it's not 1736 and so the chances of Natalie dying in childbirth were slim. 0 points.

Finally, we have Natasha. Fucking Natasha picked: Hugh Hefner, Gaddafi, Kim Jong-Il, Amy Winehouse, and Dick Cheney. Winehouse, obviously, was a points bonanza, and Gaddafi wasn't exactly ancient either. Natasha is fucking walking away with this. DON'T LET NATASHA GET CLOSE TO YOU, FOR THE STENCH OF DEATH IS HEAVY ON THIS ONE. Also, WATCH THE FUCK OUT, KIM JONG-IL. I mean, if you're even still alive. 104 points!!!!!!

So, in other words, even if Zsa Zsa, Tony Bennett, Willie Mays, and Jerry Stiller all get ahold of some bad mussels at a charity auction in Lake Havasu, I STILL CAN'T FUCKING WIN. I need to remember to pick some young people next year.


Watch your back, pretty boy.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Shut up, Rainn Wilson

Rainn Wilson, I hope this is a joke:

Just what every nascent populist movement needs! A wealthy Hollywood actor telling them who can and can't be included on the basis of their personal wealth!

Based on 30 seconds of research, I couldn't determine how much Rainn makes per episode of "The Office," but Steve Carrell apparently made $297,000 per ep, so I think it's safe to say that Rainn is in six figures for a week's work. Not bad! Certainly not "trust fund" money, whatever the fuck that means. I guess there's a New Money exception to the No-Rich-People-at-the-Protest-Rule that Rainn is apparently espousing.

I think the Occupy movement is interesting, if a little unfocused, but anything that calls attention to the yawning income disparities in this country is worthwhile. I don't understand, though, why you shouldn't be allowed to participate if you have a "trust fund." Let's assume that Rainn is using "trust fund" as shorthand for "independently wealthy." Wouldn't you want to see some of those people on your side? They're the people who can actually influence politics. Wouldn't that be a great group to have aligned with you?

So maybe he's joking.

I have some Fun Vacation Snaps to share with you, but I left my camera in the rental and they're UPS Ground-ing to me, so it'll be a few days. Now trying desperately to remember if there are any incriminating pictures on that camera.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

TK looks at the mayor's race

Guess what? There's a mayoral race on here in SF. Are you one of the 40% of San Franciscans who thinks Gavin Newsom's still mayor? SUCKS TO BE YOU. He's not. He's the Emperor of Cheeseburgers or something, I forget.

So let's clear some shit up.


- There are 413 people running for mayor of San Francisco. One of them is named Ed Lee and is the current mayor. He got the job when Gavin Newsom went to the Big Rock Candy Mountain because his office was next to Gavin Newsom's and he could pull his phone into that office and they wouldn't have to reprogram it.

- 62 percent of the people running are schizophrenic, sociopathic, or mildly retarded. Under federal law, we are not allowed to disclose which are which.

- One of the candidates is John Avalos. I have no idea what any of his positions are, but I love love love this picture from his website:

Here we see Candidate Avalos discussing the finer points of brightly colored murals with a narcoleptic who has unexpectedly drifted off during his monologue.

Here are some basic rules for voting:

1. Vote for whichever candidate you know personally first
2. If, for some odd reason, you don't know any of the candidates personally, vote for Wilma Pang, because it's fun to say "Wilma Pang."
3. If you don't like saying Wilma Pang, what's wrong with you? Also, then vote for Phil Ting, so the SF Bay Guardian can catch him doing something illegal and then use the headline WHAT A PHIL-THY TING.
4. If you're a narcoleptic, vote for John Avalos because he's on the side of the narcoleptic (see above)
5. You're not going to vote anyway. Who are we kidding?

Wilma Pang. Wilma Pang.

Off to Arizona tomorrow. May or may not be posting from there. We'll be in touch. I gotta let you go now. Yes. Yes. I gotta go. Yeah, we'll talk soon. OK. OK. Bye.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

More fun with Mom

Me and The Wife are going to Arizona to visit Mom on Thursday. Pray for us. In advance of our visit, I received an email with the following information:

1. She will be making breakfast for us on Friday morning. Apparently, I have not eaten a meal she has prepared "in 30 years." Pretty sure this can't be true, but that's her apparent belief. True, I eat at her place sparingly, but that's only because she favors food far past the expiration date. That seems to be a thing with Old People.

2. I am to leave some room in my suitcase so I can "carry back some kitchen utensils" she picked up for my sister (who's getting a new place) at garage sales in and around her Arizona retirement community. That's right, I am to leave room in my carry-on to schlep back Corningware and used spatulas. I don't think so.

Mom's always on the go. For her, a family visit isn't complete unless the day is chock-full of activities. Sitting around and talking is her idea of hell. Thus, she asked me to suggest some activities we could do. I suggested the Pima Air & Space Museum, just to see how that would go over. That didn't go over very well. I haven't been asked to make any other suggestions since then.

We're staying at a resort in this oldster community. Know how you can tell it's an oldster community? The bar & grill in the hotel closes at 8.

Friday, October 7, 2011

This Week in San Francisco in Verse

Look! It's Bevan Dufty riding Muni
With his daughter Sidney
If he can fix the fucking trains
I'll give him my left kidney

Steve Jobs passed on; I guess you'd say
His work benefitted us all
Another way to put it would be
AT&T dropped his call

The mayor's race is heating up
Ed Lee is getting attacked
I wouldn't worry about it though
He's pretty heavily Rose Pak'd

Occupy SF took to the streets
To stir up some civil strife
I doubt they're going to reform Wall Street
By yelling at my wife

The Blue Angels are here for their yearly flight
Some people think it's tacky
If the sound of fighters bothers you
Be glad you're not Iraqi

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Hank and the First Amendment: A Primer

To no one's great surprise, ESPN and Hank Williams have parted ways after he compared Obama and Boehner playing golf to Hitler and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu playing golf. Just as well; we've been subjected to that retarded "Are you ready for some football" song for 20 FUCKING YEARS. About damn time to shake things up.

Anyway, Hank immediately played the Victim Card:
"After reading hundreds of e-mails, I have made MY decision," he wrote in a statement on his website. "By pulling my opening Oct 3rd, You (ESPN) stepped on the Toes of The First Amendment Freedom of Speech, so therefore Me, My Song, and All My Rowdy Friends are OUT OF HERE. It's been a great run."


Here's what the First Amendment actually says:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

First phrase: CONGRESS shall make no law. Not ESPN shall make no law. The First Amendment is designed to keep the GOVERNMENT from telling you what you can and can't say, not ESPN or any other basic cable network. Or your employer. Or your Mom. Or any other non-governmental body. Hank Williams Jr. and ESPN had a mutually beneficial business relationship. When ESPN decided that it would no longer be beneficial, they cancelled it. I have no idea what kind of contract ESPN and Bocephus had, but I'm sure it didn't contain a provision saying that "ESPN will not terminate its relationship with Williams Jr. because of any retarded thing he says in public." But there's not First Amendment involvement here at all.

(Of course, over the years, courts have added a number of exceptions to the seemingly plain "Congress shall make no law . . . abridging the freedom of speech." It's illegal to threaten to kill someone, for example, even though that's a law abridging the freedom of speech. But that's neither here nor there.)

Oh, one more thing: I fully support Hank's right to say whatever the fucks he wants. If he wants to say Obama faked the moon landing and is secretly a Chinese spy, go for it. I'm just saying that ESPN firing him has nothing to do with the First Amendment, despite what he says in his oddly capitalized email.

Monday, October 3, 2011

You have a beautiful egg

Here, read this Slate story "Did Human Pregnancy Evolve Because of an Infection?". You're not gonna read it, so I'll tell you what it's about:


Holy shit. MIND BLOWN. Can you fucking IMAGINE if people laid eggs? So, you'd like have labor and birth after a few months of being pregnant and then PLOP, "OK!! Here's your egg!" and then you'd leave the hospital with a pamphlet called "Caring for Your Egg" and it would have stuff like "It's best to wrap your egg in an electric blanket at night, especially if you live in a cold climate." No, even better, people would sell EGG COZIES on Etsy and you could get one with your baby's name on it.

For some reason, I'm picturing them about a foot-and-half tall and maybe 15, 20 pounds. Don't ask me about how that gets out, biologically. Gross.

There would totally be anti-abortion groups called, like, Don't Crack That Egg and Americans for Egg Integrity (AEI). And a whole underground of people who would like dispose of your egg if you didn't want it. There would, naturally, be a snuff film black market underground of people who ate human eggs and said they were "delicious, if a little gamey."

Custom shell-painting. Nuf said.

People would bitch about mothers who carried their eggs with them everywhere and they gave them an extra seat at the movie theater because they just couldn't stand to be away from their egg for a second. They'd be called "Penguin Parents" because they never leave their eggs alone. Other parents are happy to sometimes leave their eggs at the Egg Watchery at the mall while they go shop for hatching supplies, but not Penguin Parents.

Southwest, however, makes you buy an extra seat on the plane for your egg.

Don't even get me started on the people who hatch at home. SO UNSAFE.

Monday: Random

- I saw a completely naked guy on a bicycle on the corner of Church and Market yesterday. Is that a thing now? Naked bicycling? There wasn't even a group, just him. Whatever. Everyone is an attention whore in their own way. Walk around with a parrot on your shoulder? Attention whore. Have a face full of metal? Attention whore. BART protester? Attention whore. Naked bicyclist? You guessed it.

- Here's a completely fake rant about Hardly Strictly Bluegrass:

Oh great! Where else can 600,000 white people crawl all over each other and talk through a performance by the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Band singing songs about a life of hardship and deprivation that the crowd pretends to embrace but which is as foreign to them as a moon rock, since "deprivation" to this crowd is a full parking lot at Trader Joe's? Yes, I know you spread out your blanket at 11 am to save you 8 square feet of space but I don't see any Deed from the City and County of SF tranferring title of this muddy patch of GG Park to you and unless you've developed the first working force field, people are going to walk over your blanket and you're going to have to get the fuck over it.

j/k. I didn't even go this year because I don't like crowds and it's always a nightmare getting anywhere afterwards. But I honestly think it's a very nice event and I've always enjoyed it in the past. But: Too Crowded.

[Also, professional musician? Attention whore.]

- I know it's Election Season again when fucking campaign workers start knocking on my door. (PARENTHETICAL: Does this happen to everyone, or am I just especially afflicted?) One day last time around, we had something like 8 different people come to the door in one day. I've gotta put the "No Campaign Workers" sign back on the door. This time it was 11 am on Sunday morning. I'm sorry, but that is fucking bullshit. You do not knock on someone's door before noon on Sunday. (Well, you should never knock on someone's door, but ESPECIALLY not before noon on Sunday.) So, David Chiu, guess who's not voting for you now?

When they knocked on the door, my dog naturally went apeshit like he do and I yelled through the door "WHO IS IT" and I heard someone say "David Chiu for Mayor" and I said "IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME" and now I wish I had said "YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS BEFORE I OPEN THE DOOR AND LET THIS DOG OUT."