Thursday, June 30, 2011
Whilst recently watching some network TV (probably the Bachelorette, God help me, that feels like my fucking job half the time), I happened to see an ad for Red Lobster's special Seafood Feast, wherein one might get a 4-course dinner for $15!!! THAT'S A HELL OF A DEAL. I couldn't find the ad online (because, what, there is nobody in the United States uploading all Red Lobster ads on YouTube? FUCK YOU AMERICA GET TO WORK. Sure, we have this one - FROM 2009 - or this one - FROM 1986 - but nothing for the Seafood Feast? WEAK.)
A N Y W A Y, there is a curious disclaimer at the end of the ad, reproduced here in their online advertising thing:
Now, ignore, if you can, the prospect of some signature New England Clam Chowder followed by some Shrimp-and-Scallops Alfredo and look there at the bottom. See it?
PRICES HIGHER IN TIMES SQUARE AND HAWAII
Now, Hawaii I can understand. It's very expensive to ship frozen processed seafood to an ISLAND CHAIN SURROUNDED BY AN OCEAN FULL OF FISH. It must take tons of fossil fuels to deliver each savory bite of parmesan-crusted tilapia to your table in Honolulu.
BUT HERE'S THE THING.
If you are in New York City, and you go to eat at Red Lobster, KILL YOURSELF. And not just because prices are higher in Times Square! But because you are in one of the greatest dining destinations in the World and you have chosen to drop off your hard-earned dollars in one of the crappiest chains there is. I don't eat a lot of seafood and I don't live in New York, but I will bet you ANYTHING there is a better seafood within walking distance of Times Square that's either comparable or cheaper.
Now I'm not some "Oh, I wouldn't dare eat at a chain" kind of snob. When I'm in the South, I loves me some Cracker Barrel and don't even get me started on Krystal. I want to open a Krystal here and CLEAN THE FUCK UP. I have been known to partake of In N Out, although I fail to see its mysterious allure, and fuck it, I'll throw down at McD's when the time is right.
But here's our standing deal: When we're traveling somewhere, NO CHAINS. C'mon, you've gone 500 or 1000 or 5000 miles away from home and the best thing you can think of is to have lunch at the same place you can hit while you're waiting for your car at Jiffy Lube back home? COME ON MAN.
[DISCLAIMER - I've never really traveled to the Far East and I guess if you went to China and all you had was squid eyes and catfish roe and dirt patties for a week, I could cut you some slack on posting up at KFC. But you're on an Intra-American trip, I'm pretty strict on this. NO CHAINS.]
[Second disclaimer - In the interests of exploration and reportage, I did hit up Supermac's last time I was in Ireland, which is like the Irish equivalent of McDonald's. Terrible. But none of the food in Ireland is any good. Well, there was this vegetable soup at this pub in Gerrykennedy that was really really good. But that's about it.]
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Let's get back on track now. Solo date with Lucas, who has never been to any big city, so Hong Kong should be a good start. Chipmunk must be feeling better because she's back to spouting her usual inanities like "Look at the street market! People are selling things!" (ACTUAL QUOTE, NOT MADE UP.) Very good, Ashley! What does the cow say? Then they have some dinner on a boat and he tells his boring divorce story and whatever. Why did I decide not drinking on Monday nights was a good idea?
Group date time. The 6 losers are separated into groups of 2 and then electrocuted on the beach. No, wait, I was just imagining that. No, instead they must fan out in Hong Kong and recruit people to man dragon boats for a race. A surprising number of locals have Prior Dragon Boat Experience! It must be like Rec League softball there. Anyway, then there's a dragon boat race that's about as interesting as a rerun of the McNeil-Lehrer Report from 1981. For the Night Portion of the date, we are off to some Vegas hotel-looking bar where Ames yanks Chipmunk into an elevator and does what I guess he imagines the humans think is romantic. Seriously, this guy is SO FUCKING WEIRD. He's like a bad actor trying to play someone who's uncomfortable all the time.
Solo date w/ JP. They're having dinner in "Kowloon Walled City," she thinks but I don't think so because "demolition began in March 1993 and was completed in April 1994." Oh, wait, I guess there's a touristy replacement thing. Anyway, usual outdoor dining thing. God forbid we go more than 10 minutes without a Bentley reference so she tells him all about her meetup with Bentley and JP nods all understanding-like and he's all like "Thank you for your honesty," you crazy fucking basket case. Then they take some tram up to the top of this mountain and HOLY SHIT THERE'S THAT SAME GUY FROM EVERY SUBWAY STATION PLAYING THAT CHINESE INSTRUMENT THING. You cannot get away from that guy. He is stalking us all.
Cocktail Party! Holy shit, things are busting out all over with Chipmunk and the Breastanator 5000 dress she's rocking. Lest another second pass without a mention of He Who Is Called Bentley, she repeats her fucking Breakup Story to the whole group and ABOUT FUCKING TIME instead of cocking their heads to the side and saying "Awwwww," THEY PISSED. Good for you guys! Chipmunk deploys the Girl Natural Defense Mechanism, crying alone quietly, but they ain't having it. Mickey's all "I don't know what you saw in that guy" and bounces! Good for you, man! Blake gets all pissed too but then he realizes this isn't really helping but it's too late because once you're mean to Ashley she will
Exit interview: Blake says, plaintively, "I just want a friend." Blake, you need to be on "America's Next Top SPCA Rescue" because WE ARE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Now, the last thing I want in SF is 700 of these sidewalk-blocking pieces of shit clogging up corners all over goddam town, but I'm sure in the end AT&T will end up getting their way and we'll have all kinds of new obstructions and places for kewl wheatpastes and for hobos to throw up on. Here's the one thing I can't find out from any article:
WHAT DOES THE CITY GET OUT OF THIS DEAL?
Hopefully someone out there knows and can tell me. What I can tell you is that, at a minimum, San Francisco should be getting $13,500 a month from AT&T in rental if this goes through. Honestly, if our feckless Board of Supes had any fucking balls, they'd say "Sure, AT&T, put your boxes up. FOR A MILLION BUCKS A MONTH. Take it or leave it." But they won't do that.
So at least ask for $13,500 a month. These boxes have a footprint of about 9.2 square feet, so 726 of them are a total of 6,679 square feet. Here's a house near Alamo Square with "almost 7,000 square feet" that's renting for $13,500 a month. SOUNDS FAIR. So that's the MINIMUM fucking price the BoS should extract from International Devourer of Souls AT&T.
[USUAL DISCLAIMERS: If part of this deal is some huge cash injection into the city that I just don't know about, apologies all around and I'm sorry I called you "feckless," Board of Supervisors. You should be publicizing that! But if you can't even get market rate rent, you are more fucking hopeless than I thought. Also, fuck AT&T. You think they're going to force Comcast to lower their rates? Yeah, maybe for a month. Then, 6 months later, everyone will be charging the same and we'll have these Toilet Towers all over town for no reason.]
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I have journeyed into what passes for Middle America around here and have returned with some stunning news:
AUTO RACING IS SUPER BADASS.
Like all of us, I have made fun of NASCAR forever. I mean, who could possibly enjoy watching cars go around and around for a couple of hours? THAT'S STUPID. But guess what? It's like hockey or strippers or Bananas Foster. YOU HAVE TO SEE IT IN PERSON TO GET THE APPEAL.
Backstory: The Wife won this trip thing at work. Basically it included a night at this hotel in Santa Rosa and a big group dinner (for like 30 winners in her industry) at Johnny Garlic's, one of celebrity chef/professional irritant Guy Fieri's places, and then going to the Thunder Valley Casino Resort 200 at Infineon Raceway in Sonoma on Saturday.
So I take it that it's kind of the minor leagues for NASCAR but I don't really know anything about NASCAR so I don't know how the whole thing works. The "real" NASCAR race with the famous drivers is on Sunday and that apparently is when 100,000 people show up and I hate crowds so I'm glad we weren't going to that. ANYWAY we got to watch it from a "Tower Suite" with free food and booze and they could have fat guys racing lawnmowers and if there's free food and booze I'd watch it.
That guy in front waving was the guy who put the whole thing on. Super nice guy.
So before we were all "Yeah, whatever, auto racing" but then you get there and the cars are whizzing by at like 100 mph and it is fucking DEAFENINGLY LOUD if you're outside and I don't know, there's something really cool about the whole thing. Early on I chose to be a fan of the #6 King Taco car driven by one Luis Martinez Jr. and at one point he was in 5th place but I think he finished last. After like 5 laps, I was totally into it, against every preconceived notion I had. Being in the Tower Suite probably helped with this but maybe it's cool just to be in the stands too.
So that's my discovery! Auto racing is fun! Now, I'm not sure I'm going to turn on the TV every Sunday or any Sunday at all and ever watch it again but seeing it in person is certainly impressive. Also, maybe this isn't typical of every race but by the end those cars were all beat to shit and had major body damage and parts hanging off them and shit. YAY FOR WRECKED STUFF.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
I went to Oakland last night and saw some music and then my dog got attacked this morning (unrelated)
ANYWAY. Last night we went to see Okkervil River at the Fox in Oakland. I used to like Okkervil River. In case you're not familiar, it's semi-anthemic earnest guitar-based indie rock for white people. Seriously, I did not see a single Person of Color at the show. Not even an Asian. This must be what Iceland looks like.
So just a couple of observations about Okkervil River at the Fox Theater:
1. I say I "used to like" Okkervil River because I'm not sure if I love them any more. They kind of lost me halfway through their set when they did the obligatory Slow Portion with the lead singer Will Sheff just playing acoustic guitar by himself and then it went on and on and on with one dirge after another and it was SO BORING. Is it possible my attention span's gotten shorter as I've gotten older? How could that be?
2. Speaking of Will Sheff, it occurs to me that he sorta looks like Time Lincecum! Check it out:
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
He wishes he could kick her off the fucking show and I do too. Let's bring in Chantal from last season to do some mop up because this bitch crazy.
Friday, June 17, 2011
9:56 am Good morning! For breakfast I was presented with moldy raspberries and a broken spatula w/ no handle to make frittatas.
10:03 am Can't make this shit up.
10:04 am Why do you keep a broken fucking spatula? It's splintered and has NO HANDLE. Fuck.
10:27 am Today we are also featuring a Facebook tutorial.
1:12 pm Tutorial did NOT go well.
1:13 pm She is on FB but doesn't want to use it ever.
1:15 pm She doesn't understand it and doesn't want to figure it out.
1:26 pm Now trying to explain youtube. Sigh.
1:46 pm Every item of food in this house is revolting. I'm not having a good time.
1:56 pm She got mad and was like "You always say everything I have is rotten!" BECAUSE IT IS.
2:02 pm Then she opened her cookie tin where she stores cookies and kale chips together bc she only has one tin.
2:02 pm I said, these kale chips taste like oatmeal cookies. That was why.
2:05 pm Also as you may have guessed the cookies are stale.
Fucking neighbors, am I right?
If you're reading this and you live in a city, you probably either have or have had problems with some annoying fucking neighbors. I have had some bad experiences myself, like:
- When I lived (unfortunately and sadly) in Santa Cruz, I lived in this condo building near the beach and the next door neighbors were this old white couple from Walnut Creek that perfectly summed up and embodied "old white couple from Walnut Creek" with the fucking late-model Caddy and the condescending attitude and the whole 9 and they would come down to their Weekend Place which happened to adjoin my Everyday Place and they would fucking BLAST THEIR TV LIKE THEY WERE TRANSMITTING MATLOCK INTO SPACE and I had to have a talk with the old lady and she couldn't understand what the fuck was wrong. Bitch.
- Oh and as I alluded to last week, my place in North Beach was directly above a Divorced Mom Who Became a Lesbian and her two right-around-teenage kids and Mom used to jet off on the weekends to do lesbian stuff or whatever and leave the kids alone right around the time they discovered metal and you can guess where it went from there. Now, I'm not exactly a go-to-bed-when-the-sun-sets kinda guy, especially on weekends, but when the Metallica starts up at fucking 9 am on a Saturday YOU BET YOUR ASS WE'RE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM. Little fuckers. I hope they're both in juvie now. GREAT JOB PARENTING ABSENTEE MOM.
We lucked out and have a place now that only has one wall in common with another place and so we don't really have neighbor problems any more except for the Creepy Old Guy whose back stair landing faces our back door. COG looks to be maybe late 60s and is bald and bearded and British, apparently, and typically wears suspenders and a t-shirt and comes out to smoke on his back landing and also FUCKING BLARES music outside to the whole fucking neighborhood, shit like Bob Dylan and Cab Calloway and scratchy old blues records. For the life of me I can't understand why he has to open all his doors and treat the entire neighborhood to his stupid fucking music but he usually turns it off by around 8 so I guess I don't have to kill him and his family YET.
ANYWAY. I don't want to hear this bullshit about "It's a city, if you don't like it move to the suburbs." Fuck you. This is about common courtesy. We all live on top of each other and a little bit of thoughtfulness goes a long way. So here's how to be a good neighbor:
1. When you come home shitfaced at 2 am, don't fucking blast "California Gurls." If you want to rock out to some guilty pleasures, you have headphones. Use them.
2. Do you live above someone? Any time something hits your floor, I guarantee it sounds like a bomb going off through the ceiling to your downstairs neighbor. Watch it with clomping around in your Doc Martens.
3. Why are you hanging pictures at 1 am on a Tuesday? If you're not spun out on meth, you have no excuse. Driving nails is a Daytime Activity.
4. I know "According to Jim" reruns are funnier when you can hear them in every room of your apartment, but give us a break and turn the fucking TV down a little bit.
Life is tough and we all have our own struggles to work through. But we can all get along better and be happier and more productive citizenbots if we just look out for each other. Take 30 fucking seconds and think about someone besides yourself, OK?
I'm going to randomly put money in parking meters today. Random acts of kindness, you dig?
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Andy Grammer, "Miss Me"
You've heard this song a million times before. It sounds like the background music in a commercial for visiting Nevada or something. It's super-clean and shiny and totally devoid of life. This will show up in a Kate Hudson romcom during the "we broke up and I'm sad and moping around the house" montage towards the end.
Owl City, "Deer in the Headlights"
Ugh, this is terrible. It's like they didn't even put any effort into it. Just string together some synth effects and any melody that pops into your head and call it a day. Are all their songs this bad? No wonder people hate them so much. Fuck this.
Jadakiss, "Hold You Down" (f/ Emmany)
Seriously, I was really liking Jada at the beginning and then WHAM we get hit with the totally predictable R&B chorus. Why you gotta mess up a perfectly good rap song by cutting and pasting a Destiny's Child chorus in the middle of it? Oh well, guess "Emmany" needs to work too.
Ziggy Marley, "Forward to Love"
Really, Ziggy? This is what you're doing? This isn't any good, even by reggae standards. I mean, it seriously sounds like something some white college kids put together after listening to "Legend" for a whole semester.
Junior Boys, "Itchy Fingers"
WOW THIS IS SO BORING.
Here are some sentences you might hear when this is playing in the background:
"The dentist will see you now."
"Your call is very important to us. Please continue to hold and we will be with you shortly."
"Welcome to T.J. McGillicudy's! My name is Cody and I'll be your server today."
"This sure is a good song, Mark Sanchez!"
The video, which seems to involve a herd of bison trying to keep from getting crushed by falling statutes, is far more interesting than the song. Poor bison. I thought Justice was supposed to be good? This isn't very good.
Sie7e, "Tengo tu love"
I'm kind of uncomfortable judging songs sung mostly in Spanish because I don't really know enough about the genres to know what I'm talking about. This is some kind of vaguely reggae-ish thing where the guy uses some English words like "love" and "black card" and whatever, I'm not the right person to ask.
THE VERDICT:Even though they're all free, nothing worth downloading this week. Unless you happen to love terrible electropop. Seriously, Owl City must be stopped, for the good of music.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Tonight the Douchecabal is off to Thailand where they will hopefully die in a powerboat drug-smuggling incident but probably not. We will also not be able to count the number of times Ashley Chipmunk says the name "Bentley" in voiceover. She loves that psychopath SO SO SO MUCH.
Solo date with Constantine, who has a head like a soccer ball and a lazy eye. They were gonna take a boat out to a private beach but the weather's no good so you know what Constantine's backup plan is? LET'S GO SHOPPING! The romance is strong in this one. They head into town in Phuket or whatever and Chipmunk sees a holy Thai shrine and squeals "That's so cute!!!" like it's a Chuck E. Cheese or something. She is really a dipshit, no joke. Constantine wants to interact with some locals so they stop to ask a kindly old shopkeeper for his advice on marriage and they rope in some hapless kid to interpret and he says "YOU BUY EVERYTHING IN STORE YOU HAPPY FOREVER" no actually he says something about "Don't try to win" which is fine if you're a BIG PUSSY. Anyway, they don't buy anything and then they have awkward beers at some kind of cafe and SHE STARTS BITCHING ABOUT BENTLEY IN VOICEOVER.
The dinner portion of the date is at our usual outdoor seaside cabana thing. Guess who's on Chipmunk's mind? One guess.
They fucking blather on about nothing and Soccer Ball Head gets a rose.
OK, next day. Group date. How do you think it starts? If you guessed "TALKING ABOUT FUCKING BENTLEY," go ahead and cut yourself as a reward. You've been very good holding out this long and we'll tell your therapist it was an accident.
Chipmunk takes about 10 douches out to this orphanage thing. "Maybe some of you guys know," she says, "but in 2004 there was a huge tsunami here and it left a lot of people really devastated." The guys all furrow their brows and try to figure out what the hell she's talking about. As it happens, they're going to do some cleaning and painting and whatnot at the orphanage and this is actually very very nice and it's hard for me to make fun of this except to say that the lime-aqua combo they're using to paint one of the rooms is TRAGIC.
Oh look, Ben F. has gone the extra step and painted a mural on one wall!
It's called "Miniature Pink Elephant with Vacuum Attachment Prepares to Hoover Up Flower Garden." Lovely!
Time for some Post-Charity Cocktails. Chipmunk tells Ben F. she "went through a hard time last week" and you know who she's talking about and this is now veering into the very very strange. Anyway, he manages to get a little makeout sesh with her which he then botches by actually saying "Ruh Roh" in the middle of it. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE.
She goes off to talk to JP her BFF from last episode. You know who she mentions in the V.O. at this point right?
Anyway, she and JP start making out and whatever.
Next day, solo date with "Ames," the "Portfolio Manager" from "New York." As it happens, this nerdy little Achievebot has been to Phuket before! Alone! To go to cooking school!
What's this? A text from my sister, who says what we're all thinking at this point:
"Total gay. He is hoarding his roses to make potpourri."
What, a straight man can't go to Thailand alone to go to cooking school? No, as a matter of fact, he can't. Wait, here's Ames' account of his Best First Date: "I met SOMEBODY in a shoe store and they said 'What are you doing tonight' and I said 'Going out with you.'" They ended up dating a long time. Make of that what you will. Also, he tells Chipmunk he's looking for somebody "open-minded." OH I BET YOU ARE.
Another outdoor dinner! Another mention of You Know Who!
Ames looks at the rose on the table and says he prefers to think of it as a "floral piece." Girlfriend is redecorating the cabana in his mind already! He gets the floral piece and Chipmunk gets a new Gay Best Friend.
The Pre-Rose Cocktail Party is back on this week after a terrible hiatus last week. Chipmunk has a little chat with West, who definitely did not kill his first wife. He's ready to "move on" and presumably NOT KILL AGAIN. Chipmunk says she has "some pretty big shoes to fill." Pretty big bathtub full of water after you have a seizure too! That was terrible. I'm sorry about that.
Chipmunk sits down with Our Host Chris Harrison. Guess who she wants to talk about? Milton Friedman. No, silly! Anyway, she's only sending one guy home this week. Fuck, at this rate this show is going to take fucking FOREVER to finish. Cut to Rose Ceremony. West gets cut. SO TO SPEAK. If you decide to date West, take showers instead of baths. Just a little friendly advice.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Anyways, whilst out walking the dog yesterday, I came across this curious artifact on the sidewalk:
WTF? It's one of those peel-off stickers that someone hasn't peeled off yet. Is this the Worst Nametag Ever or was someone planning on an Anti-Cliff campaign in my hood?
We walked another block and THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE, also not peeled. I picked 'em up, for sure. They'll be a hoot at parties.
The Wife found another one this morning when she was walking the dog. What the fuck is going on?
Also, exercise is supposedly good for you and whatever. If walking to a bar counts as exercise then I used to be all set.
SO ANYWAY I've been trying out some exercise. A few years ago when I lived in North Beach I used to take these long epic walks to like the Presidio and back but that wasn't just for exercise but also because I lived above these two kids whose Mom used to take off and leave them alone and they'd blast Metallica at like 9 on a Monday night and I just had to get out of thew house. Then I joined a gym but I didn't really like it because I'm not really a gym person and everyone else there was super fucking annoying (I'm talking to you, Bluetooth Guy Who Drank Coffee While Working Out Like What the Fuck). I used to run cross country back in high school and tried doing that again but it was fucking murder on my knees so I had to abandon that.
So you guys I know this is boring but I think I finally found my thing. It's doing these workout that things they have on Comcast On Demand with Chris Freytag.
This bitch has this whole set of like 20-minute long workouts on On Demand and she is KICKING MY FUCKING ASS. Swear to God, you may think TV workouts are for bored housewives and mental deficients, but by the time one of these gems is over I'm squirting sweat from every pore and breathing like a fat kid at Field Day. Bitch has no mercy.
So yeah, I know I'm totally doing Lady Exercise but WHATEVER. Haters gonna hate. At least I'm fucking doing SOMETHING every day. Plus, check out Mandy! She looking good! Maybe I can lose 113 pounds too.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Solo date with Ben C. I have no memory of this anonydude. Chipmunk tells us that she's been working with "Flash Mob America" to coordinate the perfect Flash Mob. Oh Christ. Flash Mob America's website is down today, I assume because there are thousands of mouthbreathing jelly donuts who have never heard the term "Flash Mob" and are furiously looking it up on AOL today but their Tumblr says they are "a nationwide, full service Flash Mob production company with an extensive community of passionate Flash Mob enthusiasts from all over the country!" Oh fuck you.
Anyway, they go to some fancy-ass strip mall with a lawn called "The Americana" in fucking Glendale and sit on the tiny patch of grass while tourists and shopaholics photograph them like they're snow leopards or retarded monkeys. Then Flash Mob America shows up for a carefully packaged and rehearsed spontaneous dance exhibition to "Like a G6" and God if I never hear that song again it'll be too soon. Oh look, Far East Movement is here because I guess donating bone marrow or going to a poetry slam wasn't painful enough.
(At this point, I got a text from an associate that said "Helicopters: Out. Asians: In" but I didn't understand it at all until she clarified that Far East Movement contains Asians but it's cool because she's 1/4 Asian.)
They have dinner at the Hilton Checkers (really, Hilton? Hilton Checkers? The fuck?) and Ben C. is apparently dining on pharmaceutical grade cocaine because he starts babbling wildly about wanting to "live in a bubble with somebody" which is in fact an "unrealistic idealistic bubble where we're convinced we're more in love than any other couple that ever lived" and then sucks in air through his teeth and goes "MAN I FUCKING LOVE THE HILTON CHECKERS AND BEING ON THIS SHOW. FUCKING LOVE IT." Chipmunk seems to like this mania.
Back at Douche Ranch, Mask Guy takes Ash aside and is ready to take off the mask and he does it and OMG IT'S COREY HAIM HE IS STILL ALIVE oh wait no, it's just another jerkoff with a Failed Dating Strategy. Whatever.
For our Group Date, a bunch of us will go to the Comedy Store in LA and do a Hi-Fucking-Larious roast of Ashley. I'm running long here, so I'll condense it: Small boob joke; small boob joke; small boob joke; William says he wishes it was Emily or Chantal on the show instead of Chipmunk; small boob joke. WHOOPS! Ashley cries and cries. Bentley goes to comfort her in his menacing way and says her boobs are great and chuckles evilly and SHE EATS THAT SHIT UP. Meanwhile, William keeps hitting himself in the head with his shoe and going "Stupid! Stupid!" Dramatic shots of him wandering the streets of West Hollywood. Ashley is chatting with Demasked Guy, who tries to comfort her by telling her he adopted a three-legged dog. CHRIST MASK GUY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT? Also, her fake eyelashes are now all wet and look like swim fins attached to her eyelids. Gross.
Next day at the Bachelorette house, Chipmunk is walking around the pool and gazing meaningfully into middle distance. She is in love with Bentley, we learn. Cut to Bentley, who says he's not "feeling it" and he "played everyone" and WTF? If by "played everyone" you mean "convinced America that I'm a psychopathic monster," then yes. He goes over there to tell her he's splitting. He makes up some shit about missing his daughter but tells us secretly it's just because he's not feeling it. Chipmunk cries cries cries cries. How will she go on without this emotionless crapmonster in her life? He's off to go home and tend to the severed heads in his fridge and torture some animals or whatever. Chicks love assholes. It is so true.
So she's got to pull herself together for a date with JP Gordon-Levitt. This date is apparently ordering Chinese food and sitting on the floor in PJs while she cries about Bentley. What is he, her fat best friend? Maybe they'll braid each other's hair and make collages! He gets the Sympathetic Friend Rose. Then they make out.
No pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party b/c Chipmunk is still devastated about Psycho Killer leaving. Let's go straight to the cuts. She is wearing a dress made from crumpled aluminum foil. Maybe she and JP did crafts last night too! I fast-forwarded through most of this but I can report that she cut Mask Guy, who can now form a traveling circus with his three-legged dog, and some guy named Chris who I didn't know was on the show. That's about it.
Monday, June 6, 2011
IS THERE ANYTHING GOOD TODAY? Sort of, maybe.
First up is a free video!
LMFAO, "Party Rock Anthem"
Oh God this is terrible. TERRIBLE. If your stated goal is to make a "Party Rock Anthem," why is it SO FUCKING BORING? Seriously, I've heard commercials with better hooks than this song.
I could give a shit about the post-apocalyptic zombie video or whatever.
Everybody involved in this should be ashamed of themselves. Or shot.
Herencia de Timbiqui, "Y Qué"
This is fine, I guess. I don't really know anything about this kind of music. Including what genre this even is. I guess I'm trying to say that this is so far outside my wheelhouse that I have no idea whether it's any good or not.
Royal Tailor, "Black & White"
This is apparently some kind of Christian pop-rock band. JESUS IS VERY MAD AT YOU FOR MAKING THIS SONG. It's like crappy Jamiroquai. Is that redundant?
(Also, maybe I'm not reading it closely enough, but I don't detect any religious content in these lyrics at all. It seems like a run-of-the-mill "I'm sorry I hurt you and I want you back" song. Maybe the Christian part is so cleverly camoflaged that only the Pure of Heart and Spirit can decipher it, and that's not me.)
It's not terrible! Compared to the others, it's positively glowing! I mean, it's derivative as all hell (hello, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club!) but that's OK. I probably wouldn't seek it out but it didn't pain me to listen to it like that fucking LMFAO song.
THE VERDICT: Might as well download the Lowline song. I mean, it's free. The "Y Qué" song is fine, if you're into that kind of thing. Avoid the other two like the fucking plague. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, that LMFAO song is the aural equivalent of botulism.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Officials at the San Francisco Municipal Transportation Agency are looking into why a Muni light rail operator did not let people off a train after a passenger became ill and vomited onboard, a spokesman said.
An outbound K-T train took on an unpleasant odor when a passenger began throwing up at about 8:10 a.m. at Montgomery Station, Muni spokesman Paul Rose said.
The operator was ordered to allow passengers off at Montgomery station and then to take the train directly to West Portal station, where it would be cleaned, Rose said.
"The plan was always to take the train out of service at West Portal," he said.
Control room officials, however, noticed the train still had passengers aboard as it bypassed Powell Street and Civic Center stations, and ordered the operator to stop at Van Ness station to do so, Rose said. When the train finally stopped at Van Ness station, the passengers were allowed to leave. It was then taken to the West Portal station, cleaned, and returned to service. No significant delays were reported, Rose said.
INT. MUNI TRAIN - UNDERGROUND
A crowded Muni train. The morning commute. Passengers sit and stand, some looking at their phones, some listening to music through white earbuds. A newspaper rustles.
Suddenly a SICK PASSENGER begins throwing up. There is an audible gasp and other PASSENGERS scurry to get out of the way of the noxious stream.
DON, a suit-wearing businessman in his late 30's standing near the front of the train, yells to the driver.
Driver, stop the train! This man is ill! He is vomiting!
The fuck you say!?
Stop the train! This man needs help!
We're all going to die in here!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Now let's talk about Joel Kinnaman for a second. He's an actor from Sweden who plays one of the two detectives, and I think he's the best thing about the show. He's kind of a dirtbag former juvenile delinquent recovering meth addict who happens to be a police detective, and he has this air of quiet menace and danger that makes him far and away the most interesting character on the show. It's really worth watching just for him.
(Kinnaman also has a pretty amazing backstory - raised in Stockholm by an American expat father who had kids with a bunch of different women and so forth.)
ANYWAY, there was this interview with Kinnaman on Salon.com that is totally worth reading and really interesting and in which he blatantly lies to us at one point:
Are you familiar with the Tumblr "Fuck Yeah Joel Kinnaman"?
[laughs] No, I am not.
BZZZZZT!!!! You're lying, Joel Kinnaman. Know how I know you're lying? Because look what happens when you GOOGLE YOUR OWN NAME:
You see that? Fuck Yeah Joel Kinnaman is the FOURTH FUCKING RESULT. And you've never heard of it? BULLSHIT. Actors are some of the most self-centered narcissistic people on the planet. They probably Google themselves DAILY or HOURLY. And Joel's never noticed the FOURTH MOST POPULAR RESULT?
In other Joel Kinnaman news, he only has 440 followers on Twitter! I have more than that! I feel bad for him now. Let's all follow him on Twitter.
This has been your Joel Kinnaman news for the day.
(This post will probably be in the Top 10 results for his name soon. HI JOEL KINNAMAN! NO HARD FEELINGS!)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
What do you think? Do you like "Cut 'N' Run"? I was also thinking "Circumfashion" or "Tip Top Removal Service."
See, if the ban passes in SF, obviously circumcision will still be legal just a stone's throw down Mission Street in Daly City, or across the bridge in Oakland, or across the other bridge in Marin. And obviously as long as there's Jews or just people who wanna circumcise their kids, there's a market for it, so VOILA, I'll be there to pick up the slack. Or cut off the slack, as it were. POW!!!
(Speaking of Marin, can't you just picture the circumcision outfit there? Soft lighting, quiet New Age music playing on hidden speakers, the gentle scent of herbal tea, and circumcision tables padded with supple calfskin. Divine.)
(The pic is some hairstylist in Toronto. Credit to Blogto.com. Hopefully no one gets mad.)