Saturday, July 31, 2010

Here are two activities you should do if you live anywhere near SF

So last night The Wife and I had Grown-Up Night, which means we went to dinner and the theater. They were both great.

Dinner was at The Corner, 18th and Mission. I gotta warn you ahead of time, the menu is somewhat unconventional, but trust me, this is a good thing. Like, there's not the usual beef short rib and flatiron steak and roasted chicken that everyone has. Instead, there's shit like rabbit or sole w/ fennel sausage or chicken thighs, interesting stuff like that. The waitress (who was just as much of a hipster as you'd imagine for a restaurant at 18th and Mission - in fact, the whole staff looked like Vice Magazine) totally tipped us off that the apps were huge, so we just got a couple of those. The Wife had poutine with beef cheeks and some kind of cheese that starts with an "h" like "hourumi" or "hurami" or something like that. It was fucking killer. Poutine's like the national dish of Canada or something and I can see why because it's basically like this thick gravy and meat poured over french fries and it's a good cold weather dish and as you know, it's always about 20 below in Canada.

I got the pork shank over cheesy hashbrowns with some kind of wilted green in the middle and a poached egg on top. THAT'S NOT A LOW FAT FOOD. But man, was it good. Not so good was burping up pork the rest of the night but that's kind of my fault for eating too fast.

Both the apps we got (which were entree-sized, at least for us) were like $11 or $12. 2 glasses of outstanding pinot for $10 each. I almost went for the PBR tallboy for $2 but that's too predictable. 7 out of 10 stars WILL DO BUSINESS AGAIN.

(Confidential to the Corner - do something about your fucking website. The "menu" pages are all blank and it hasn't been updated since May. Seriously, this is SF and your web game has to be on point. Really, I'm not kidding, deal with it.)

Then (after a brief stop at the Latin-American for some whiskey for me and some Stoli for her) we hied ourselves over to The Marsh for Dan Hoyle's show "The Real Americans." The show is based on Hoyle's travels in, for the lack of a better word, the "heartland" and he does a ton of characters based on the people he met. Now, of course you're thinking it's going to be smug and condescending but it's actually not. I mean, I don't think he had to invent the fact that people think Obama is a Muslim or whatever. And people in SF get treated just as badly, or worse, than people everywhere else. As you can tell, it caused a great deal of liberal urban coastal angst in me because we coastal urban liberals worry a lot about this kind of thing. Anyway, it's way more complicated than I can sum up here but we both loved it and it is totally worth seeing.

Then we went home and watched the Giants almost fuck it up in the 9th inning (and shouldn't Bautista be throwing BP or something until he can find the strike zone?). Exhausting.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Announcing TK's First and Probably Only 6-Word Memoir Contest (with prizes)

You know what Six Word Memoirs are, right? It's basically exactly what it sounds like: your life story in six words. Mine is on my Twitter page: "Things rarely turn out as planned."

Frank McCourt, who wrote "Angela's Ashes," had a good one: "The miserable childhood leads to royalties." Some other ones I also liked (by not famous Irish authors) are "Facebook has ruined my entire life" and "Freak accidents haven't killed me yet."

So here's what I wanna do. Send me your 6-word story and I shall distribute a Special Prize Package to the one that I totally subjectively like the best. You can either email it to me at or drop it in the comments below, cool?

What does the Special Prize Package include, you ask?

A five-dollar bill with a congratulatory Post-It note from me stuck to it because it's illegal to deface United States Currency, duh. (I can make the Post-It note say anything you want as long as it's not weird or illegal like "I will kill your whole fucking family, Love, TK," or "I am fat" or "I ♥ Vivisection.")

A November 2005 Fast Pass. Since Fast Passes are being phased out in October forever, this is actually a collector's item that will be worth a Ton of Money someday.

This "I lost me to meth" coaster, which is obviously awesome.

As an added bonus, if you win, I'll then have your address, so you might find me knocking on your door at 3 a.m. in a drunken stupor asking for money and/or to be let in. Just like Dad used to do! KIDDING.

I guess I should set some kind of deadline, or some dork is going to submit one in November and then be all "There was no deadline! I can still win!" about it, so let's say 6 p.m. PDT, Tuesday August 3, 2010. I'll announce the winner on Wednesday the 4th. Second prize is a set of steak knives. I'M KIDDING THERE IS NO SECOND PRIZE I just love Glengarry Glen Ross.

Third prize is, however, you're fired.

(P.S. Just to keep this on the up-and-up, if you're currently married to me, you are ineligible to win, but you are still free to enter and I'll totally tell you how awesome your entry was and how you definitely would have won if you weren't married to me.)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Who says San Francisco is expensive?

Got $450? Welcome to San Francisco!

$450 / 1br - Renting out down stairs (San Francisco)

Renting out down stairs
single large bedroom
one bathroom
one kitchen
plenty parking space

if interested, please call 415-879-1691
for English speakers, please call 415-608-8498

I like how this implies that the first number is for people who speak....what?? Your guess, I suppose.

Anyway, it's at 32 Flora in the Bayview. I think it's the one with the RV in front.

There'a always something creepy about an RV parked in front, isn't there?

But in the annals of the truly inexplicable, this one takes the cake.

$550 / 1br - Room for rent with bodybuilding (visitacion valley)

$ 550 Room for rent with bodybuilding, I have a nice 1 ½ room available, very nice place to live with laundry and stores on the same street. Parking behind gate for 1 car, I am a very easy going guy that lives a discipline life style with bodybuilding. I am looking for someone who lives straight life styles that pays there bills on time and the place is yours. High speed internet. The room is not real big but I have extra room also that come with the room that you can store a lot of things.

$550 + $50 Utilities each month
$350 Deposit

Where to begin. First of all, I'm not clear if the room comes with bodybuilding equipment or a bodybuilder. Second, there's the matter of the "discipline life style," but if that's your thing, more power to you. And I'm not sure I want to see the "lot of things" that are being stored in that extra room. On the other hand, high speed internet!

Oh shit, I almost forgot the best part! Thankfully, the bodybuilder has provided some snaps of your new room. Check 'em out!

I know what you're thinking: "Where do I sign?"

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Band-Aid in 3-D: Coming Next Summer

As has been noted by other members of the snarkeratti, yes, they are, in fact, making a movie based on the board game "Battleship," and oh, while we're at it, why don't we pull some names from a hat and, what, who's this? I pulled Alexander Skarsgard! Who did you get? Taylor Kitsch? Wow, that's random, but OK! Now draw one more! What did you get, Rihanna? No shit! This movie should be called "Three People Snorting Cocaine in the Bathroom at a Party at a Producer's Incredible House in the Hollywood Hills," but I like "Battleship," too!

I mean, really. What. The. Fucking. Fuck.

We've been all collectively moaning for years about how Hollywood is out of ideas; just look at "Car 54, Where Are You?" or the four fucking movies based on a ride at an amusement park or the fact that it's now apparently acceptable to remake movies that came out a year ago. But this, I think, is a new low. Sure, there have been movies based on board games before - remember "Clue", the movie? I mean, at least "Clue" has characters. "Battleship" has little plastic ships and red pegs that always got lost and two fidgety kids going "F-4" and "A-3." Not a lot of premise there, although it sounds like it's right in Keanu's wheelhouse, acting-wise.

So this is where we are. I bet you a million dollars there are a bunch of interesting scripts filled with cool ideas and real emotion and well-drawn characters sitting in a drawer in Burbank somewhere and instead we get "Battleship."

If you're reading this, and you're an agent, I have some ideas I've been working on for a while that we should talk about. I want to pitch "Ritz Crackers: The Movie" and "DustBuster" and "Kleenex Brand Tissues." These are already well-known brands. That's a big opening weekend right there, despite what that asshole Roger Ebert says.

UPDATE: Oh, Christ.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Important programming information

Look, I just don't think I can write about tonight's "The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All" special because, frankly, I'm a little recapped out right now, plus that shit is going to SUCK. But maybe! Only if Frank shows up in a new Baby Gap ensemble.

I hear that The Wife is considering recapping "Bachelor Pad," and of course we'll run it here at TVgoingonRecap.

Oh, look, though! Moldy Kirk got with some other contestant from some prior season of "The Bachelor". Good for you, Mold Man! Crap, that story says Frank won't be on the show tonight. That sucks! How are we supposed to have any fun? That little bitch has fucked us over again. Now I know how Ali feels!

UPDATE//OH ONE OTHER THING: January Jones and Jason Sudeikis?? I mean, he's a reasonable-enough looking guy, but really? And before that she dated Jeremy Piven? Maybe I do have a chance with her. January, if you're reading, you know what to do.

Mad Men #1: Thanks for the ham!

A bottle of Jameson split 4 ways isn’t that bad, right? Ugh, maybe it was the additional 4 bottles of wine that did it. Fuck, sometimes I feel like all I do is recap television shows. Do you people know about Television Without Pity? You’re gonna shit, I’m not even lying.

We’re back and it’s 1964 and Pete Campbell is still a douche and now Don Draper is a sub! Bet you didn’t see that coming. Show of hands, ladies, who’s picturing DD in a ball gag, vacuuming your house? I mean, once they invented vacuums. And ball gags. Anyway, check out the new SterCoopDraPry offices! Nice, huh? Wait, who’s Sweater Vest? At least he’s drinking Jameson! I like him already. So far, in the first 5 scenes, everyone is drinking. I’m trying to figure out in exactly which year people stopped stumbling around half-drunk 24/7. Did this happen in the 70’s? I know it didn’t happen in the 90’s, because that’s when I started doing it.

Don lives in the Village! Either above the Hong Kong Tailor or Joe the Art of Coffee.

I fucking guarantee you that today, people are taking pictures of this intersection. Whoa, Don’s got a Mexi-Maid! She should force him to do the dishes. He likes that. We see a Montage of Don’s Solo Life and it’s overintentionally depressing. He leaves his TV on 24/7 which is kind of annoying, since TV was boring in 1964. Also, Don’s got hisself a ho. What do you think a good sex/slap combo runs in 1964? Like $3.50 or something like that.

In other news, there’s some kind of ham-buying scam that I couldn’t follow but it also involves Peggy coming over to DD’s with some bro holding a casserole and she’s all “This is my fiance” and he’s all “What?” and Don’s all “Whatever, later LOL.”

FINALLY January Jones shows up. She looks sober! That’s unusual for January Jones, from what I hear. Oh, and PLEASE MORMON MARRY ME AND BE MY SECOND WIFE JANUARY JONES I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Ew, she married the Cryptkeeper! Gross! Hmmm, Most Awkward Thanksgiving Ever with Cryptkeeper’s Family, and I’m including the one where I stayed upstairs in the guest bedroom and drank Maker’s Mark and cried and wouldn’t come down. Hey wait, is that ANOTHER New Bobby? Fuck, this isn’t One Life to Live where you can just change out the actors every show and no one cares. Oh, maybe it’s the Same Bobby, never mind. Anyway, Cryptkeeper’s Mom is a B-I-T-C-H! Or is that his sister? They’re all about 100 years old, who knows?

Ewwww, are Betty and Cryptkeeper going to do it in the car? G-ross! He’s going to get a hernia or something!

Let’s see what Don’s got for the Jantzen campaign! Oh, it’s terrible. I mean, wow, that is really, really bad. Fuck whether or not it’s too “racy,” it just sucks. Although the chick in the ad looks kinda hot. What? I’m a guy. So the Jantzen folks don’t like it at all, big surprise, and Don throws them out of the office. He a mess. Hopefully Anna Camp will straighten his shit out. Speaking of, can you believe she didn’t bang him? FIRST TIME EVER. No, really, you’d think Jon Hamm wrote the show, the way DD gets laid.

Oh, and to my companions last night: My mistake. It’s Ben Affleck that’s secretly banging Blake Lively, not Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm is banging…oh, anyone he wants to, I imagine.

Friday, July 23, 2010

What Would You Do?: Muni Edition

Let's play ABC Primetime's "What Would You Do?" for a second.

(Incidentally, ABC, what's up with the "" domain names? ESPN, too. Stuck in 1997, are we?)

OK, so let's say you're on the, oh, I don't know, 48 Quintara at around 5:30 yesterday (or the L Taraval or, fuck, the 6 train to the Bronx for all I care) and you take a seat near the back and then realize you're sitting in the middle of a group of baggy-white-t-shirted skateboard-holding kids. Like 4 or 5 of them, maybe 13 years old, maybe 14. The first thing you notice is the heartwarming (for a San Franciscan) multicultiness of this group - there's a white kid, and a vaguely Hispanic kid, and a black kid, and man, it's like MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech brought to life.

Then the next thing you notice is that the Bieber-haired white kid is very slowly and deliberately carving something into the seat with some kind of implement. Like, obviously defacing the bus seat with whatever kind of graffiti 13-year-old white kids are motivated to write these days.

Or let's take another (also actually true) example that also happened on the 48 Quintara on another day with a different Pack O'Yoots (though older, maybe mid to late teens) and one of them is using a fat black magic marker or whatever to mark one of the windows with a big, looping tag.

What do you do?

I'm serious. I never know how to react in these situations. I know that Muni Belongs To All Of Us and that We As Citizens must stand up to protect out property, but I also know that people get killed trying to stop this kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's rare for that to happen and blah blah blah but IT ONLY TAKES ONCE when it's happening to you.

So what's the call here? What do you do? Say, "Hey, you damn kids, stop messing up my bus!" or whip out the cell and call 911 or go up and talk to the driver or what? Furthermore, what's most likely to avoid me getting hit in the back of the skull with a skateboard?

Cause I'll tell you what actually happened: nothing. I didn't do anything. The lady next to me didn't do anything. The semi-yuppie guy reading The Economist didn't do anything. Now I feel vaguely bad about it! I don't know.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Four haiku about today's Chronicle

Michael Bauer dined
On a somewhat dry pork chop
Bacco, "buzzing" yet.

Oh, look! There's that "Ø"!
A Norwegian firm, it seems,
Will expand MØMA.

Macy*s seems to think
People still buy the paper
To look at the ads

Jon Carroll, you old
Curmudgeon. What are your cats
Up to today? Huh?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Bachelorette: Slouching Towards Denouement

Thank God, we are close to the end now. First we start off with a mini-clip show reprising the 3 finalists’ incredible journey. It is so fucking boring it makes my head hurt. Dead Mother talks about his dead mother. Roberto talks about how they’re building towards something really good, like maybe a televised wedding. Frank is staring into Middle Distance and then meaningfully taking off his glasses. This is a Bad Sign. He still has feelings for Nicole, his ex!!! He’s an “emotional wreck” who has “feeling for two girls” and an unfortunate fondness for thumb rings.

We’re in Chicago. I mean, I just was in Chicago, but the show is now in Chicago. Oddly, on the show, no one is suffering from heat exhaustion or throwing up, so I’m not sure it’s the same Chicago I went to. Frank says he is going to “find” Nicole, and appears to be walking around randomly. This might take a while! Oh, wait, he found her corporate-looking studio apartment. Oh, duh, Frank wants to get back with her so he can move out of his parents’ house. Frank spends the first 10 minutes telling Nicole how awesome and wonderful Ali is and how much he’s into her. Not the strategy I would use to get back together with someone! “Hey, I met this other person who is way better than you and who I love very much. Now, what’s for dinner?”

Oh, wait, Nicole’s a little crazy! Look, she has crazy eyes! “Ever since you left, literally you consumed my entire mind every day,” she says. Y I K E S. Either Frank is a zombie or this chick is cray-zee. Then she says “You need to come home.” Or I can make things very unpleasant for you! Frank has to go to Tahiti to break up with Ali. WTF?? They’ve been on like 3 dates. Send her a fucking text and save ABC $5000, why don’t you?

Now we’re in Tahiti. Looks nice! Roberto feels that it’s the “mecca of tropical destinations.” I thought Mecca was the mecca of tropical destinations! I can hear Muslims writing in already. Oh wow, Roberto has a severe sweating problem. Nothing says romance like huge pit stains. Jesus Christ, another helicopter tour. The only people that spend more time in helicopters than Ali are helicopter pilots and people on M*A*S*H. That was a TV show, ask your parents. Heart-shaped island, picnic, frolic in surf blah blah blah. On to dinner, Roberto’s falling in love with her, off to the Fantasy Suite, you know the drill.

Time for Dead Mother’s date. He goes like 3 minutes without mentioning Mom! Man, this is boring. They swim around and then all of a sudden start killing oysters left and right looking for their Blood Pearls! Jesus Christ! There’s not going to be any oysters left for the Tahiti people! OK, dinner time. Maybe kill some more local fauna! There’s got to be an endangered bird or something you can strangle the life out of. They eat and then wade out to their mid-lagoon Fantasy Suite. Hey, if you were dating Dead Mother, wouldn’t you say at some point “Look, I really need to know what that thing on your face is before we get married in case it’s genetic or contagious.” Not Ali! She pretends not to notice. Over at the Fantasy Suite, DM says Mom is “definitely looking down and smiling.” CREEPY! What, does Mom like Ali’s rack?

OK, time for the Main Event, i.e. Trainwreck Frank. Like many of us, he turns to Chris Harrison for relationship advice. He takes about 30 minutes to say he’s back in love with Crazy Nicole. Chris Harrison is visibly bored. He tells Frank that Ali’s going to be in “emotional turmoil,” but he has to be “honest and straightforward” and tell her. Wow, thanks, Chris. As opposed to what? Not telling until after the engagement? Honest and straightforward has never worked for me, but I’m not Chris Harrison so I don’t know.

Here comes Ali! She says she’s going to take Frank sailing. Maybe on the U.S.S. Just Got Dumped! He tells her about Crazy Nicole. Ali can’t believe this. I can’t either, now that we got a look at Nicole. Homegirl needs a nose job BIG TIME. Everybody cries a lot. Ali “needs to deal with this somehow.” I find booze very effective in the dealing-with-this area. Ali deals with it by talking to Chris Harrison and crying a lot. Hope Roberto and DH don’t see this part! Ali says her best friend told her “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Wow, Ali’s BFF is Eleanor Roosevelt? Is she watching and smiling too? I see a shitload of dead people!

Rose ceremony! Can you feel the tension? There are 2 guys and only 2 spots left. Wait a minute. Ali explains that “Frank has things back home that he didn’t deal with.” What, is his cable bill late and now he can’t watch Spongebob? Could you get any vaguer, Ali? Roberto once again looks like he thinks in a Sweating Contest and it’s the final round. Will you accept this rose? And a squeegee?

Next week, we have our Shocking Conclusion or something.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Field Report: Pitchfork Music Festival, Chicago, Illinois

It's hot.

I'm not going to belabor this point because it's boring but if you want to simulate the Pitchfork Festival experience while reading along, go sit in a sauna with 75 sweaty hipsters and put on a Real Estate album.

That being said, it's also pretty great. The sound is really good and everyone is very nice, despite the heat, and in Union Park there are at least a few stands of trees you can go and hang out under to get out of the sun a little bit. Beers are 5 bucks, which feels like kind of a steal, even if the only thing they have is Heineken and Heineken Light. Plus there are a ton of girls everywhere wearing very little clothing and also it's become clear to me that every single person between the ages of 18 and me (and including me) has one or more (usually more) tattoos. I saw a girl with a tattoo that was the word "TATTOO" in a box on her arm and then I got dizzy from the postmodernism of that and had to sit down again.

Titus Andronicus! Oh my God! They're like Springsteen crossed with the Replacements crossed with Awesome and it's just pure rock and made me forget how fucking hot and uncomfortable it is out here. Incredible set. Then at the end the singer said, apropos of nothing, "If you want to learn more about American history, I'm sure there are lots of excellent books at your local public library," and I love non sequiturs more than anything so I was moved by that.

Kurt Vile was OK. My traveling companion said "Really depressing." Maybe!

Do you guys know what "somnambulant" means? I love that word. Panda Bear was somnambulant.

Wolf Parade was fine except they didn't play the one song I really wanted to hear and so now I have a grudge.

It was pretty clear that most people were there to see LCD Soundsystem and I will say that they were great. I think I get them now. You need to see it live.

OK, one more thing. The closest bar to our hotel is a vaguely Irish bar called "Dugan's" with entertainment programmed apparently by a former cruise director because the first night we went there it was karaoke night and wow, the Grease soundtrack will live forever. Then last night we stopped by after the show and there was a cover band of old guys playing the hits of the 50's 60's and 70's DEAFENINGLY LOUD and I say that as someone who just came from seeing LCD Soundsystem and was not prepared to have his hair blown back by the Turtles' "Happy Together."

I gotta go get some brunch and a bloody mary.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Parade of horribles

How's your week going? I've had better ones. Here's what's happened to me so far:

- On Monday, I was checking my bank balance online and noticed that somebody had charged $100 on Humorously, the first thought that occurred to me was "Did I start playing Playstation online when I was drunk?" I didn't have any memory of this and my ancient PS2 isn't hooked up anyway, so that seemed unlikely. The Wife also denied that she had developed a sudden interest in playing Call of Duty 4 with a little headset on against an 11-year-old in Omaha, so I called Wells Fargo. To their immense credit, their fraud unit called me back the next day and they credited the money back to my account in 2 days. Say what you will about Monster Banks, that's some good customer service.

One funny aside: The lady from the fraud unit asked me if I would be filing a police report and I started laughing and then she started laughing too because, really, if it takes a week for the SFPD to find the body of a murder victim in their own damn impound yard, what are the odds they're going to track down the kid who used my card to buy some online gaming?

- I seem to be developing a noticeable red blemish on my upper lip. Again, The Wife denied transmitting herpes simplex 1 to me, so I have to assume it's just another fucking zit. Here's a News Flash for my Younger Readers: you can keep getting zits your whole life, as far as I can tell. Remember when they told you it would stop around the end of puberty? Bullshit.

- Yesterday I was walking by my car and noticed that my left rear taillight was shattered. Of course, the driver who hit me was kind enough to leave a note. OF COURSE I'M FUCKING KIDDING, WHO WOULD LEAVE A FUCKING NOTE??!?!! I guess I should be glad they didn't wipe out my whole rear end.

- My boss is quitting, which means I have to teach some new doofus how to do things the way I like, i.e., to leave me alone until I need something.

But it's OK! I'm off to Chicago tomorrow for the Pitchfork Music Festival. I know, I know, it's going to be the largest collection of hipsters in one place except for Williamsburg on any given day. That's OK! I'm more worried about the intense, blazing heat that I'm completely unprepared for, being from San Francisco. 95 degrees! What does that even feel like?

I might post from there. Could be a hoot. Until next time, take care of yourselves, and each other.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Bachelorette: The Plaintive Cry of Squirrel 34

It’s the Family Visit Episode! One of my faves every year, since it’s almost a mortal lock that at least one family will have a K-razy member who is guaranteed to shock and amuse! Awesome! We start out in Tampa, Roberto’s hometown. They go to his college and he puts on the Old Baseball Uni. Man, this is embarrassing. They throw the ball around and what have you. As it turns out, Roberto played some ball in Ali’s hometown! WHOA maybe they’re meant to be together! He’s gotta be the frontrunner now. If he could just learn to button a shirt all the way up, he’d be golden.

Time to meet the fam! They’re all named either Roberto or Olga, so that makes it easy. Holy shit, Mom Olga sounds like a mail-order Russian bride! No wonder Roberto described her as “submissive”! Olga’s all, “Please to be not sending me bek to ze mutherland, Meester Roberto!” Dad sits with Roberto alone and tells him, “You’re a big price.” No, that’s what Olga cost, Dad! Dad’s concerned about whether Ali will support Roberto. And cook borscht! Oh, wait, I was wrong, Mom’s not Russian. She looks about Roberto’s age, though. What strange sorcery is this? They put on some music and Mom & Dad so Salsa: The Dance of Dangerous Love. Then everybody joins in and pretends to have fun. The end.

Next we’re off to Cape Cod, where Dead Mother is on the beach with his black lab and his Thinsulate Men’s Warm-Up Jacket ($59.95) and anything else that might help this tableau resemble a shot from the LL Bean catalog. They stroll meaningfully down the beach and straight into outtakes from a Nicholas Sparks movie. Inside DM’s house, which has an odd salmon color to it, we have lots of conversations about Dead Mother’s dead mother. Dad says the family motto is “Love is the only reality.” Except for reality TV, I guess. Dad tells Ali he’s impressed she left her job to take care of her grandmother. I never heard about this! Does Ali ever actually show up to work, or just take an extended series of absences? “Whoops, sorry boss, gotta take another 6 months off to . . . umm, spay and neuter my pets!” Her boss at Facebook is all “Dislike!”

Dad says DM is ready to get married because he was “overwhelmed and crestfallen” when Mom died. That’s a good reason to get married! I should have gotten married when I was 11 and we lost the Little League championships! Then Dad asks DM what he would say to his Mom about Ali. He’d say he really likes her and also what does Jesus really look like? Then there’s some making out and a closeup of DM’s horrifying ringworm bruise, which isn’t getting any better.

NEXT!! Green Bay to visit Kirk. I shit you not, they got through this entire segment without mentioning the Packers. Maybe it’s Green Bay, Montana or something. Kirk’s parents apparently don’t speak to each other. I wish my parents got along that well! We meet Dad, Stepmom, Adopted Sister Nicka or Nika or Mika or something and HOLY SHIT DAD LOOKS LIKE A CHILD MOLESTER. He immediately wants to take Ali down to the basement to show her where it puts the lotion in the basket or something. Oh Christ, Dad stuffs animals for fun. He’s got a whole Gallery of Deadness down here. “I bring animals back to life,” he says. That must happen in a different room, because these ones are all dead as shit. We know Squirrel 34 isn’t getting any better!

Dad tells Kirk “Oh, I’d love to have her around all the time.” Maybe above the fireplace! Dad advises Kirk to ask himself “Are you compatible? Is she going to be doing things with you? Does she have a nice pelt?” Kirk has Dad’s approval. And Squirrel 34’s.

Off to Mom’s. She’s going to have to gas & flay children to out-creepy Dad. Oh, whoa, that extensive dental grillwork’s a good start! She looks like that guy from The Spy Who Loved Me! They reminisce about Kirk’s Mold Sickness. Oh, those were the days.

TIME FOR FRANK!!! OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!!!! Avoiding an aneurysm will be a major victory for Frank. What the fuck is he wearing, some kind of antique Turkish army uniform?

Frank is oddly subdued and Has Some Serious Questions About the Relationship. Fuck what a downer. He babbles along for a while and never really says anything. They go out to some rural area that is clearly not “Chicago,” contrary to the caption on the screen. Frank’s parents are oddly normal. What went wrong here? Frank’s Dad thinks Ali is great. How come none of the parents ever say “How the fuck could you consider marrying someone you’ve never seen without a camera crew behind you and never been alone with, not even once? Are you out of your motherfucking mind?” Frank lives with his parents, but disappointingly, we never get to see his room or his race car bed. VROOM VROOM!!!

Back to LA for the Rose Ceremony. First, let’s talk with Chris Harrison. WHOA, CHRIS, WHAT IS UP WITH YOUR BLINGED-OUT WATCH? Chris has like 150 carats on his wrist. What did you, appear in a 50 Cent video and keep the wardrobe? Anyway, Kirk gets the axe. No surprise there. You should have had Dad do his thing on her when you had the chance, Kirk! We’re down to 3 and Our Long National Nightmare is close to an end.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The strange case of Die Antwoord

OK, let's talk about Die Antwoord for a second, because it seems like a lot of my time this weekend was spent thinking and talking about Die Antwoord. D.A. is a rap (? I think) group from South Africa that are one of two possible things:

1. A savant-like brilliant band getting the recognition they deserve; or

2. An elaborate piece of performance art, although to what end I'm not sure.

Evidence for #1: the video for "Enter the Ninja."

Evidence for #2: a short film made by Amoeba Records on Haight in LA when the band came there. Now, in this one, they seem like they're totally putting us on, right? I mean, this has to be a joke, right? Hey, how come DJ Hi-Tek is a different guy every time?

"Do you like fish sticks? You're a gay fish." I mean, not even crazy South Africans with long textual tattoos talk like that, right?

More evidence that it's a big put-on:

Videogum says even if it is fake, who cares? Sounds good to me.

ANYWAY, they're playing at Rickshaw Stop Friday night. Wanna go? You can't, it's been sold out forever. How does $200 for a pair of tickets sound?

Also, YAY SPAIN. Told you so. Did you think it was kind of boring? So did people who know a lot about soccer.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

TK presents: My Very Good Restaurant Review

Last night we went to Hog & Rocks. Since it's a new place and new places are better than old places, it was very crowded. We were told we had to wait, even though one of the people in my party was a Famous Person. I thought famous people didn't have to wait for anything! But they did say they'd call us when the table was ready. They wouldn't do that for someone non-famous, I bet! So we went back to Stephen and Jessica's apartment and drank beers for a while until they called and said our table was ready.

I'm not gonna lie to you, we were drinking. I had a Tom Collins! WTF! Who knew anyone made those any more. In fact, the whole cocktail list looks like it came from a steakhouse in Denver in 1979. There was like a Manhattan and a margarita and a tequila sunrise. The Tom Collins felt a little too girly so I had a whiskey sour after that. zOMG it was the best whiskey sour EVAR! I'm going to start drinking whiskey sours more often.

For an appetizer we got pimento cheese and some avocado thing I didn't eat. Fuck, I love pimento cheese! Do you guys even know what that is? It's ground-up cheese and mayonnaise and pimentos. I'm not doing it justice, that shit is off the hook. The version at H&R was a little too liquid-y but I got mad respeck for anyone who puts motherfucking pimento cheese on their menu and it's not, like, a joke.

Then this chick walked in wearing what looked like a cut-up sofa slipcover and some feather earrings she stole from Stevie Nicks! People.

All the main courses are like $10 or $12, dig? No wonder the place was packed. I wasn't that hungry because I had already like 16 beers so I got some jamon serrano. You know what that is? It's a pile of ham. That suited me just fine. Stephen and Jessica are vegetarians so they were pretty much fucked because it's called "Hog & Rocks," not "Potato & Rocks." They got some side dishes that were really good, though. There was a brown bean kind of thing that tasted OK.

Oh, I forgot, there were some oysters too but I didn't have any of those. I don't like oysters! If I want to eat snot I'll get a cold, OK?!

I also had a glass of garnacha. That's wine, FYI. The pour was a little small but I was pretty lit by that point anyway.

You know what else? The service was fucking ON POINT. I hate hate hate bad service more than anything including Hitler, but this service was awesome. Probably because of the Famous Person, but maybe they're like that with everyone! I doubt it.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Ask TK: "Who should I root for to win the World Cup on Sunday?"


I guess there are all kinds of boring tactical reasons that you can read about here. Personally, I've been a big fan of Spain going way back, at least to 2008. But wait, there's more.

First of all, I don't have anything against Holland or the Netherlands or whatever they're calling themself this week. I think the song "Holland 1945" by Neutral Milk Hotel is just gorgeous and perfect. (O/T but wasn't Neutral Milk Hotel supposed to get back together or something? What happened with that?) By all accounts, Holland is a beautiful and wonderful country and all that jazz.

But Spain! If I had to pick one of the two countries to live in, I think I'd have to pick Spain. First of all, which sounds better to you:

"Spain 's location on the temperate zone lends it a sub-tropical climate almost uniformly throughout the year."


"The Netherlands has a maritime climate, with cool summers and mild winters."

Cool summers and mild winters I can get right here! Give me some of that sub-tropical climate almost uniformly throughout the year, brother!

Plus, I like tapas. What's Dutch food? Hutspot? "A dish of boiled and mashed potatoes, carrots and onions"? No thanks. I'll take some tortilla espanola and Jamón ibérico any day. And Albariño! I love Albariño. Do they even make wine in Holland? I can't be for anyone who doesn't make wine.

So yeah, Spain.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Incredibly Common Muni Chicken Story Reappears

Soon after I moved to SF years ago, I heard a story that went something like this:

My friend's brother was on the 30 Stockton one time near Chinatown when this little Chinese lady tried to get on board with a live chicken. The driver says, "Hey, you can't bring a live chicken on the bus!" So she snapped its neck and just walked on.

Quite a tale, huh? Over the years, I've heard it at least 4 or 5 more times, each time recounted as having happened to a friend of a friend of the narrator. (In the universe of urban legends, this person is called a "FOAF," an acronym for "friend of a friend.") It surfaced on Muni Diaries not too long ago.

So yesterday, on one of SFGate's super-duper-look-Ma-I'm-doing-New-Media blogs, a variant of the story appeared yesterday. In this one, thankfully, the chicken escapes its premature transit-occasioned demise:

Muni buses may be getting less crowded when service cuts are partially rolled back in September, but there still won't be room for loose chickens on board.

That's what a guy tried to do today on the 30-Stockton bus line in North Beach. He hoped to hop onboard at the corner of Union Street and Columbus Avenue with a fully grown, brown-feathered chicken tucked under one arm.

The driver shook his head, saying, "You can't bring that bird on here."

After a futile moment of pleading, the birdmaster, looking a little scruffy and sporting a baseball cap turned backwards, replied with a curse.

The morning commute continued.

First off, note the completely unsourced nature of the story. Did the author, "John Cote," witness this event personally? Did he hear about it from someone else? A FOAF, perhaps? It's suspicious from the get-go. Imagine if real journalism could get away with shit like this!

The three guys at your corner store are actually Al-Qaeda members.

When they say they are going in the back to get more Yoo-Hoo, they are actually working on a bomb to blow up Cha Cha Cha.

Anyway, nevermind that the wretched fowl escaped unscathed in the SFGate blog version. Unleash the SFGate commenters, eager to recount the urban legend again and again and again!

joeyjess 2:40 PM on July 7, 2010

This happened many years ago on the same line, when I was a little kid....when the bus driver told the lady she couldn't bring a live chicken on the bus, the chicken's owner promptly broke its neck and tried to re-board.

sockmonkey 2:44 PM on July 7, 2010

Years ago I was riding the 30 Stockton when the driver pulled up to a stop and an old Chinese woman started climbing the steps to board. That's when the driver noticed the bag she was carrying was moving and squawking. "Lady!" he said, "You can't bring a live chicken on this bus!" She quietly stepped off the bus, reached in the bag, snapped the chicken's neck, climbed back on and that was that.

phreakshow 2:51 PM on July 7, 2010

my sister saw this happen once with a little old chinese lady on the 30 Stockton. She was told she could not board with a live animal. She broke the chicken's neck and boarded the bus.

capdragon 3:03 PM on July 7, 2010

True Story.......

A couple of years ago my wife was riding on a bus headed towards the Haight. A Chinese woman got on around Powell. She was carrying a live duck. The driver told her she couldn't bring the duck on board. So in front of everyone she proceeded to twist the duck's neck until it cracked. There was a collective gasp from the passengers, but the driver then let her on with the dead duck.

Wouldn't it be nice if immigrants who come to America had enough respect for our values that they learn, not only English,but some of our cultural values as well, like common courtesy.

Vampirella 3:37 PM on July 7, 2010

About 10 years ago I was on the 30 Stockton when this same thing happened. Only is was a little old Chinese lady who promptly wrung the chicken's neck and then got on the bus.

sandiegopete 4:04 PM on July 7, 2010

I was riding a Muni bus years ago when an Asian woman started to board the bus with a live duck in a bag. The driver told her no pets were allowed on the bus. She said it wasn't a pet it was dinner. He still wouldn't let her on so she reached into the back and snapped the duck's neck and said to the driver, "Now its food". He let her board.

scientific 4:44 PM on July 7, 2010

There is an old, old story going around about a lady in Chinatown (probably on the 30 Stockton) trying to get on the bus with a live chicken. When the driver told her she couldn't bring a live chicken on board, she simply wrung its neck. Problem solved!

That's a lot of dead chickens! Let's see here. Joeyjess, Sockmonkey and Vampirella all say it happened to them - always "years ago." Capdragon doesn't go all the way to FOAF, but goes with the more conventional "happened to someone I know." Maybe it's easier to just skip the FOAF when you're an anonymous Internet commenter.

You also have to love the fact that Capdragon, being an SFGate commenter, can't resist a little side of xenophobia with his entree of urban legend. Yeah, why can't the fake people in my made-up story stop acting so, y'know, foreign?

Anyway, I think the story persists for a couple of reasons. At the root of it, it's kinda funny, and shows a clever way to solve a vexing problem. It's got that surprise twist ending that all good urban legends have. Plus, it plays on the general unease white people have about foreigners in general and Chinatown residents in particular. My kids'll probably hear this story one day.

Some SFGate commenters have it figured out!

bridgeofbardo 6:07 PM on July 7, 2010

There must have been, like, a million people on that 30-Stockton bus "years ago" when that "old Chinese woman" got on with a live chicken and the driver said et cetera, and then she et cetera. You guys who re-posted that ancient urban myth here today (that everybody has heard) just lost all credibility. Ha ha ha!

Who knows? Like many urban legends, there's probably a grain of truth in there somewhere. The fact that people bring live chickens on Muni has been pretty well-documented:

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The Bachelorette: We Don't Really Care About the Dog

It’s Monday night, so you know what that means! Soft crying and self-medication. Oh, and The Bachelorette. We’re in Lisbon! I can tell because Ali says something in a foreign language that has the word “Lisbon” in it. We first see the Final Five lined up in some public square. Unfortunately, they’re not being shot for treason. Oh, look, Frank is wearing Baby Gap! HOW CUTE. I love his little anchor tee.

Solo date with Roberto. They run around Lisbon taking pictures of each other until Roberto says “When I hear music, I’m sorry, I can’t help but dancing.” It’s his fiery Latin blood! Or whatever he is. He proves this to be true by dancing in the middle of the sidewalk and annoying Lisbonites. They get on Lisbon public transit, which is just like Muni except it’s empty, there aren’t any 14-year-olds tagging the interior, and it goes more than 1 mile an hour. They go to some castle and drink wine and make out. Ali says she “can’t figure him out”! Wow, the Jumble must be like Fermat’s Last Theorem for her.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the guys are talking about HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT THING ON CHRIS’S FACE?

It’s the worst case of ringworm in history or he slept on a hot plate or something. Maybe ABC can use some of the Ali’s Hair Budget that they haven’t touched to get him some medical care.

OK, 2 on 1 date with Ty and Franksta. Fuck, ANOTHER helicopter ride? I haven’t seen this many helicopter rides since “Apocalypse Now.” They go to some other castle and have the Most Uncomfortable Dinner Ever. Ty darkly warns Frank to “stay away from the spinach” which is pretty good advice because spinach is deadly poison. Frank and Ali go off alone and he confesses that he lives with his parents. That explains why he dresses like a 9-year-old! He says it’s brought his family closer together. Someday maybe you can live with them too, Ali! Oh, he’s wearing a thumb ring, ew. Frank is just sad.

Solo date with Kirk. They take a horsedrawn carriage ride to Clicheville. Ali’s hair now looks like the rotting strands of a dead bird’s nest. They have yet another romantic dinner on the roof. Blah blah blah no one says anything remotely interesting. Kirk says he deserves love and happiness. What he deserves is the graveyard shift at a 7-Eleven in Hoboken, but life isn’t always fair. They come upon a Witch from Hell singing some godawful music. She gonna put the Evil Eye on you, Ali! You gotta tip her!

Next we have a solo date with Dead Mother. They’re going for a scooter ride. This has a Difficulty Level of about 20 for DM. It’s a fucking bicycle with a motor, not a goddam F-18, DM! They stop at the Scenic Overlook to talk. He wants her to meet his family. Most of it, anyway! Then they talk about his dead mother, shock. Next they visit a winery where DM gifts her with something he calls a “Dennis bracelet.” I think that’s what he called it. It’s a piece of wire with a ball bearing stuck to it. That’s Old World craftsmanship! Ali’s very touched because she’s never had a piece of jewelry that only cost 45 cents to make. You gonna have a green wrist tomorrow, Ali!

On to the Elimination. She cuts Ty and his awful wardrobe. Ty is clearly not “31,” as he claims, BTW. She walks him to the limo in the pouring rain and stands there until her spray tan starts to melt.

Now we have the Jake and Vienna Couples Counseling Session! It’s so vile and awful that I’m not gonna say that much. Vienna, who is looking even more Fetal Alcohol Syndromey than ever, says Jake wasn’t there for her physically. Oh snap! He says she was cheating. That was Gay Todd over at my place, you jerk! Let’s get the polly-a-graph machine! In other news, Vienna is working on a line of hair care products for cancer kids. It’s called Invisible Shampoo and only angels can see it! Chris Harrison is speaking for all of us when he says, “OK, we don’t really care about the dog.” True, Chris Harrison, true.

Coming up next week: We continue limping towards the inevitably painful demise of this fucking train wreck.

Friday, July 2, 2010

How to make air travel even worse

No, I'm not talking about the maggots on the plane, although that is HORRIFYING and some truly next-level End Times shit. (Also, love ya, New York Daily News, for "Maggots like the ones pictured above tumbled from an overhead bin...." Because, you know, we have to show a picture of maggots to go with your McGriddle but we don't have a picture of the actual USAir maggots. But I digress.)

I'm talking about low-cost European airline RyanAir's proposal to sell standing-only tickets.

Ryanair wants passengers to stand during its flights so the budget airline can squeeze more people onboard.

The Irish air carrier plans to cut costs by making fliers perch on stools with seatbelts around their waists.

Chief executive Michael O'Leary has already held talks with US plane manufacturer Boeing about designing an aircraft with standing room.

I've flown on RyanAir before. It was HELLA janky. First off, it was like 7 a.m. and we were flying from Shannon to London and the guys across the aisle from us were already pounding liter cans of lager and yelling. Then halfway through the flight the flight attendants come down the aisle selling lottery scratchers and stuffed animals and CDs and crap.

On the other hand, I just checked their website and you can fly from London to Venice today for 17 Euros, which is about 20 bucks. But I'm not playing, RyanAir makes Southwest look like the Players Club or something.

(RyanAir also flies to lots of mysterious places, like "Perpignan" and "Fuerteventura." What the fuck is "Perpignan"?)

Oh, wait, shit, the whole standing room thing is probably just a publicity stunt. Figures. Everything cool is always fake.

ANYWAY, Happy Friday! Don't get rioted on! Have a nice weekend!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

BFD of the day

Gavin Newsom's wife's trust held stock in Transocean, the company that owned the drilling rig that is now permanently ruining the Gulf Coast. BFD.

It turns out that San Francisco's eco-conscious Mayor Gavin Newsom and his wife, Jennifer Siebel Newsom, own a piece of the deepwater rig at the center of the gulf oil disaster.

According to the mayor's most recently filed economic disclosure statement, last year the couple invested between $10,000 and $100,000 in Transocean Inc. - the company whose ruptured deepwater rig, which is leased to BP, is spewing millions of gallons of oil, endangering wildlife and beaches all along the Gulf Coast.

So what? I'm sure my mutual fund is invested in baby seal coats and Bible stores and whatever. I have no Earthly idea what I'm invested in. I highly doubt Gavin knew either. And if he knew, through some weird circumstance, that his wife was invested in Transocean, do you think he did some due diligence and found out that Transocean ran deepwater drilling rigs in the Gulf of Mexico? Please.

Yes, it would be best if we researched every company that our spouse's trust is invested in to make sure they're all in line with what we believe, but who really does that? Besides Ed Begley? I mean, the new chancellor of UCSF had a substantial investment in tobacco stock. Tobacco! And she's the chancellor of a medical school with a famous anti-smoking crusader on the faculty! She had that stock from August of last year until someone noticed last week. See my point?

Generic thinks this will cost him the race for Lieutenant Governor. I say it costs him, at the outside, a few hundred votes. The majority of Californians will never hear about this story. Gavin may lose for other reasons - namely, that there are a lot of Republicans in California - but this? Hardly.