Ali Fedotowsky is a beautiful, willowy creature with bad extensions and a dress that looks like it has a pie plate attached to the ass. Instead of finding love like the rest of us do - over shots of Wild Turkey at last call or on Adultfriendfinder.com - she has become the Bachelorette, which means that she has a future making $1000 appearances at Tao Las Vegas or hosting a video game show on G4. She's from San Francisco in the sense that she's one of those chicks that moves here after college, fucks an I-Banker, throws up in the bathroom at City Tavern, and talks about how much she loooooooooves San Francisco until she moves back East 2 years later and starts having kids and voting Republican.
So in last night's premiere (amongst the obligatory shots of Al sitting at Crissy Field and staring REAL HARD into middle distance), we got the recap of how she found True Love with Jake on the Bachelor only to fall victim to that quintessential 21st Century illness, My Job Comes First, and take off only to realize she had made a terrible error after Facebook gave her extra vacation time and said they wouldn't fire her but by then it was too late and Jake had moved on to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Vienna, who, to get a little tangential, is a hot mess who took all her ex's money for a boob job, and BOY AM I SURPRISED.
SO ANYWAY. We meet the guys. Do all guys except for me have terrible hair now or what happened here? The majority of them are just generic douches, like you couldn't see that coming. Lots of dead relatives this year! There was Phil, who spends his time staring at a picture of his dead brother. His ideal date would be visiting his dead brother's grave and talking about his dead brother. No, I'm shitting you, it would be "dinner on the deck of a yacht at sea followed by swimming, then soaking in a hot tub, looking at the stars while drinking champagne." Obvi!
Then there was Chris L. He moved back to Cape Cod to help his Dad out when his Mom was dying. Awwww. Then his Mom died. That's sad! Then Ali asked him if his parents were still together and he said "Yes," which I take to mean that his father sleeps next to his mother's mummified corpse. What?
I would be remiss if I didn't mention Jay, who obviously watchesd old episodes of "Three's Company" for cues on his look, which is the only way to explain the feathered-back hair. All he needs is a cop 'stache and a Camaro and he could clean up in 1976.
I don't even want to get into Rated R at this stage.
No, we need to devote all our attention now to Kasey.
Kasey looks pretty normal, no? In fact, he was identified by the women on our panel as maybe the best-looking one. And then it happened. He opened his mouth and spoke.
zOMG WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!11!1!!!one!!1!. He sounds like a frog trapped inside the body of a deaf person trapped inside the Well of Souls. I have never heard a sound like that. Admirably, Ali refrained from screaming or going "What the fuck is up with your voice" and even kept a straight face when he opened with "My Dad cheated on my Mom," like Is that really what you say to someone you just met? (Although I guess overshare was the order of the day, what with "Shooter's" little tale of premature ejaculation earning him a quick trip to the door, DUH.) So Ali and the Frog Prince bonded over their shared history of Broken Homes and I just can't wait to hear him talk some more.
What else? Oh, she kept Frank, who popped out of the roof of the limo like he was on his way to prom and in fact probably was like last year because he appears to be about 19 and also jacked up on the methamphetamines. And that douchey guy with the Wall of Hair. He's gonna be fun.